Hello! I (23F) have recently started dating someone (24M) for almost a month. We aren’t exclusive but are heading that way.
I have been in notoriously bad relationships; abuse, drug addiction, cheating, etc. I also have borderline personality disorder so I stayed in those relationships far longer than I should have.
I have spent the last year and a half single so I could learn how to not depend on someone. I was sleeping with people (I am bisexual so both men and women), but never let it get serious. I feel more secure in my mental health then I ever have in my life. I rarely feel unstable and have cut off multiple people when I knew they weren’t going to be healthy for me.
He is good to me. Like really good. We like the same things and he spends a lot of time with me. We seem equally very interested in each other and he always reassures any doubts I have. If I have an attitude about something, he does a perfect job at diffusing the situation without ever getting angry or upset with me, which is something I’ve never experienced. I really like him.
The only problem comes when we have sex. I’m a hypersexual person. And as much as I know it comes from trauma, I’m into some pretty hardcore things. I always have been. I don’t like things to be gentle or for short periods of time. For example, the last time I hooked up with someone besides him, it lasted three hours and it included things that left me sore and bruised for days. Now, I know that that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but sex with him lasts about 15 minutes and I never orgasm.
I have briefly brought up to him that I’m into more rough things, but he’s just too sweet to treat me the way I want to be treated when we get intimate. He’s tried to do some of the easier things I enjoy (like praise), but it’s not enough. For me the praise comes after the more aggressive and rough things.
I do not know how to bring this up in a more serious way. I was in a 3 year long relationship where I brought this up and he attempted to try the things I liked, and that only made me feel like he was doing it for me and not because he enjoyed it, which I did not like. I can’t help but feel like the only people I do have good sexual chemistry with are usually bad people. But I want to have that with him.
So I guess I want advice on how to bring this up? Or maybe if I shouldn’t bring it up at all? We’ve only been seeing each other for a short amount of time, so maybe it’s just a nerves thing. Last resort would be breaking things off, but considering I’ve never been treated better, I really don’t want to do that.
Thank you in advance.