Hello. I am once again asking for advice on this thread. A little while ago I (21f) mentioned I was having trouble getting my bf (20m) to actually finish, and after some advice, it proved to be helpful, but I discovered the underlying issue. My bf has a porn addiction, and it’s been a huge drag on our intimate life. At least, for me.
At first, we did talk about how we both jack off and watch porn, and agreed that no more irl porn. He most sticks to impossible and animated, while I’ve stopped watching porn on my own completely, outside of when I’m with him. However, he will go multiple times a day.
He will actively go and camp out in the bathroom to act like he’s taking a shit while he jerks off. We both have a really high sex drive so it’s not like he’s not getting intimacy with me. I’ve asked him if he can stop for a few days, and I’ve given him permission to wake me up to be intimate, but nothing is working. I’ve also talked about how it makes me feel rejected and unwanted, especially because he’s my first sexual partner.
This makes it so he’s not in the mood whenever I am, because he’s already gotten off and doesn’t feel the need for any sexual intimacy. It’s actively hurting my feelings and it has put a damper on our sex life.
How can I approach this problem?
Reply All (+ some more added context):
Wow, thank you everybody for replying and offering help, advice, and insight on this post. I was not expecting responses this quickly. Now to answer some common/repeat questions—
The type of hentai/porn he’s into, aka the “impossible”, is usually transformation and objectification. Things not scientifically possible. I have never once shamed him, and as we continue to discuss our own sexual fantasies and preferences, I have been enthusiastic about recreating or roleplaying those scenarios occasionally whenever he’d like.
I always highly believe in the ability to deny sex or intimacy with another individual, with or without reason, and there should be no stipulation or shame that comes with that from either side. But he’s also expressed to me, multiple times, that if he hadn’t already jacked off that day, he would be intimate. It frustrates me a little, considering we live together and are home at the same time. Often, I’m right in the bedroom, doing nothing, as he’s in the bathroom masturbating.
Finally, context I did not add to the initial post, but in hindsight should’ve provided, as it was basically the reason I decided to make this post. In the middle of sex, I was being an enthusiastic participant, when he suddenly told me to “stop talking”. I did, as I assumed I was either too loud or it was more of a roleplay thing. After I stopped talking, he finished, and then later admitted that the reason he told me to stop was because he was remembering a comic he’d read earlier, and my speaking was pulling him out of it, and that he wasn’t able to get off without it. In that moment, regardless of whether or not it was “valid” to feel so, I felt like I was just a toy he used to masturbate rather than a partner he was having sex with and attracted to. He then said he’s had to do this (imagine/remember porn) multiple times while we’re in the middle of sex.
I don’t care if he finishes one way or the other, really. I used to, as I thought it was something I was doing wrong, but I’ve come to the understanding that, as long as we both enjoy and have fun, there’s nothing wrong with not finishing. It’s the fact he needs to imagine porn while being intimate with me in order to finish at all. And that he would rather turn me down to go “secretly” jack off than be intimate.