My fiancé (F26)and I (M21) are getting married after 2 years of dating and I don’t know weather to make her change her last name or for me to change my last name, we both have very unique one off last names, we thought about hyphenating but both our names are too long to do that we are both in the military and have to think about name tags, we thought about keeping our names but I just feel like that means we are committed and if I’m going to have kids I don’t want them thinking we could even decide on a last name, I’m leaning more on the side of giving up my last name since a lot of people in my family are in jail or are on their way and I’m embarrassed so much by them I distanced myself across the nation just to get space, but then again I ask people at my work what they think and they say it’s “gay” to change to her last name, she told me she’s totally welcome to changing her middle name to her maiden last name and taking my last name but I just feel bad because her last name has so much history and culture but just like me her family isn’t the best “upstanding citizens”. Nothing thing to take into consideration is that we are a interracial couple and both our last names are very much “white” while the other is very much “Asian” so one of us will look like a imposter. If you could please give me advice on which way to go on this last name I would appreciate it and so would my future wife.
4 comments
It doesn’t have to mean you “couldn’t even decide” on one name. It could be that you decided to each keep your own if that’s what you want. It’s not indecision if *that’s* the decision. Then you can figure out what to do for your children. Not sharing a last name with your spouse is not a lack of commitment or anything that means you’re not really a family. People within families have different last names all the time. My mother remarried and changed her name so hers was the same as my stepfather’s and his kids and not mine and my sister’s. It didn’t make us less family and the minor confusions that result from things like your parents having different last names from either you or each other are super easy to clear up (“Oh, no my mom’s/dad’s last name is actually…”). Just do what feels right for both of you. Bonus if neither of you changes your name – no paperwork. No updated SS cards or drivers licenses or changing it with the bank and doctors offices and every online account or subscription etc. that you have, etc.
1. You can’t *make* her take your name. She can choose to, but you can’t make her.
2. It’s not “gay” to take your wife’s last name. Nothing about doing so makes you attracted to a member of the same sex as you, which is literally the only thing that means you’re gay.
3. My husband is Hispanic and has a Hispanic last name. Taking his name doesn’t make me an imposter. It just makes me a woman with my husband’s last name.
4. Take out all of the societal stuff and think about what you really want. Put all the options in a hat and pick one. Pay attention to which option it is you’re hoping gets picked, and there’s your answer.
Have you considered that the two of you could create a new last name that you both love and change both your names? It’s a newer trend, but it’s one growing in popularity.
My husband and I have our own last names and it’s never been weird. My last name is different from my kids’ last name and it’s never been a problem. I love my family of origin and we have a long and rich history in our town and I’m very proud of my name. It’s 2024, no one bats an eye when a couple has different names.