Before I begin, I (20m) want to say that my mother and I are still in a good relationship. We’ve been to counseling but we’re still working things out. I love my mother, but she definitely wasn’t perfect.
So. Now that I’m starting to work on my social skills I’m starting to notice a lot. I’m not the nervous type when around people, instead I avoid people. I’m usually the guy in the gathering in the distance, by themselves, watching. Avoiding all contact because I assume that I don’t fit in so why bother? But now I want to be social but I can’t because there’s this metal barrier that keeps me away. It’s like I’m in the sunken place when I try to join others. My body’s there, but my mind is occupied. However, I began noticing things in my childhood that came from my mother.
She’d usually make fun of my friends. Or just flat out disapprove of them. I had a small group of friends but I think made me ok with thinking that I could only have 2 or 3 friends. I usually hid who I was friends with, and then she’d say I was lonely while making fun of the friends I had. It was strange.
She’d even make fun of my interactions with other black kids. She’d call me “whitewashed”. She misused the word but I understood she basically meant “oreo” or just a white acting black guy. I began to believe it and I never thought I belonged to the black community. Now that I’m part of black organizations, I can’t relate to them.
I basically lived in a life of mental and social isolation. I’m honestly proud of myself for identifying it. My mother identifies it too but doesn’t admit it was her that perpetuated it. I’m broke and I don’t want my mother paying for my therapy so what can I do now to reconnect with others? I know people say to just join clubs but it’s hard when you subconsciously avoid them.