I’ve got a rather complicated issue between my mother and husband. Both are emotionally similar people; both wonderfully loving and rational most of the time, but are sensitive, emotional, stubborn, and dominating and their triggers from one to the other are the exact opposite things. I describe being around them both as trying to cross a minefield of eggshells. I know both their triggers and it’s easy to avoid treading on one of their eggshells as individuals, but together I have no hope. I can’t people-please both of them because what one find funny or ok, the other finds offensive.
They don’t hate each other, but they never know where they are with each other and often offend each other by accident with me being caught in the crossfire as the two of them bitch to me about it – might be for the best at times because they would clash too hard if they tried to talk which could lead to two very angry hurt people convinced they are right and unwilling to consider they might not be. My issue is, my mother is coming down for a few days this week and I’m 21 weeks pregnant and the idea of them being in the same room together sends my anxiety through the roof.
The last time my mum came down was the first time she’d stayed with us and the first time anyone had stayed with us for more than a day. My mum got stressy with me while cooking, but I know she meant nothing by it and probably didn’t even know that she was doing it. Meanwhile, my husband – who wasn’t even in the kitchen with us – got so stressed out by her he went moody and created an atmosphere (my mum usually is the one to create atmospheres when she’s angry so it was unusual for my husband to do it). My mum sensed his animosity and got very worried about it, tried to break his mood, but it didn’t work and got the impression he didn’t want her there and was super hurt. She never said anything to him, just to me. He didn’t want her there at that time and saw her as being rude, which he told me all about. I could see both sides and felt both people’s emotions. If anything, I wished my husband could just ignore the things he sees as being rude in my mother, but then i feel the same way about my mum and him! I wish my husband could have just shrugged off the stuff about my mum for the sake of everyone. She was only there one more day of 4 days! She left early to avoid him and was in tears and even now, she’s still hurt and I know she thinks he doesn’t like her.
I’ve had the same situations in the past with my mum against my husband; he thinks he’s being funny or just being friendly, my mum gets hurt and offended and creates an atmosphere, he feels very unwelcome and i end up in therapy for the next week because I’m so confused and anxious and hurt at them both. My mum did try to talk to him directly about it once, but it went really badly and I got the brunt of that afterwards too. That situation was because my mum once tried to buy him a birthday cake since his own parents forgot his birthday (remembered mine, 6 days before and we were living with them – he has issues with his own parents but he’s mostly got over them after many years), he thought it’d be funny to cut it up like a psycho my mum took it personally and thought he was showing contempt for her. One of the worst most anxiety-inducing days of my life. We all talked to him about it, my mum being kind and supportive and saying how she wants him as part of the family but that she was hurt and accepted maybe she was being sensitive, but he took it as everyone against him and was furious at me for putting him through it. It was a very bad week following that.
On the other hand, they have both expressed their admiration for each other and have put themselves out for each other with good results at times, so it’s not as simple as they hate each other or one person is objectively in the wrong all the time. They’ve managed to be kind to each other and there is a lot about each other they like and totally agree with. Over the phone, everything is fine and I talk to my mum a lot.
I’ve talked to them both about it, trying to get either one to adapt. My mum is more willing to adapt and has tried to do so as she doesn’t want to make life difficult for me. She has always said my husband comes first and would never want to try to get between us – she is not controlling. When she’s down this week, she said she’ll try and keep away as much as possible since she knows he’s uncomfortable with her and it’s more a stay out of necessity due to her picking up my brother on the monday and it being a long journey. Also, with the new baby on the way, we’ll lose our spare room soon so she won’t be able to stay with us and, unlike my inlaws, can’t afford a hotel to visit in the future. My mum matyrs herself (my husband occasionally does this too) so refuses to let me pay for her. She’s being a bit difficult on that one and it’s all because in inlaws insist on doing up the spare room next month – baby not even due till end of August and will be in our bedroom for 6 months, but I won’t win against them on that one. In-laws and husband are too impulsive. I worry about something going wrong and would rather wait till the baby is actually here and everything is ok before doing anything drastic other than get a few basics. But the spare room project will remove our spare bed and my husband is refusing to consider a smaller one in there and my mum took that personally too \*sigh\*.
I talked to my husband, and told him how anxious he and mum make me and pleaded for him to just ignore the stuff my mum does that upset him (like talking over him or being negative about something) as I do that with his parents, but he just said he is sick of being asked to be the bigger person (his own parents have asked him to do this before as he and his siblings all hate each other and after years of doing it, he’s become resentful). As he puts it, he shouldn’t have to put up with other people’s shitty behaviour. My mum can be passive aggressive and make comments (not against him, me sometimes and sometimes comments that show her hurt feelings as if to guilt trip or something, but nothing really really nasty, just childish and petty). He said he’ll just go out to play golf a lot instead. This makes me worried for when the two of them are around. I just want him to be ok and to be chill and not make her feel unwelcome. Truth be told, he radiates ‘go away’ energy at the best of times and just like my mum, has a victim complex of how hard they have it and how great they are vs how everyone is ungrateful and treats them badly. But he just tells me I just have to trust everyone and he’ll be nice if he calls out my mum’s behaviour (x to doubt because his ‘nice’ is not really my mum’s ‘nice’). I wish he could be chill, friendly, and welcoming.
To be fair, my family are intense. We talk a lot and passionately about everything. We can get so passionate we sound like we’re arguing when we’re not and it can give my husband a headache. My mum is highly strung and stressy – she has had an awful life and her health has severely suffered due to it. In recent years, since my dad died and she retired (and my brother still lives with her with his boyfriend), she’s become very sensitive. My brother has the same jekyll/hyde personality as my mum and the two of them (mum and brother) in the same house is an intense, loud stress fest with one snapping at the other believing the other to be behaving in the wrong, but we never do personal attacks. The good points of my family are how loving and supportive and communicative they are and my mum was a bloody amazing mum. If my husband and i talk about our childhoods, it’s night and day. Worth noting, my mum and brother’s kind sides are ‘cringey’ to my husband because they are very huggy and silly in their friendliness. He’s ‘too cool for school’, if you know what I mean. He looks hyper aggressive and angry even when he’s not, which doesn’t help!
My in-laws are the exact opposite of my family in every way – and my husband and I are the exceptions in both our respective families. I’m the calm one in mine and he’s the angry one in his. My in-laws are bland people, accidentally hurtful but don’t mean anything by it. They rarely get into conflict, but instead pretend nothing is wrong. You can’t move for all the elephants in the room! When they are pushed to anger, it’s personal attacks and threats. They are bad communicators, have favourites between their kids (my SIL), were not good parents in any way and are almost emotionless. But they are easy to live with. You’ll never hear an apology out of them or be able to reason with them and they are very impulsive bordering on interfering, which is my only real issue with a baby on the way. They absolutely ruined their granddaughter so i’m glad they aren’t nearby to us and i hope they don’t suddenly decide they want to be.
If ages matter, my husband and i are mid-30s and we’ve been married for nearly 10 years. I just want to know what strategies I can implement to deal my anxiety with this situation since I can’t control anyone in this situation, but it feels more serious now i’m pregnant because I don’t want my kid to go through what I do, nor do i want him to join them!
It really sucks being the only chill, rational person who loves three very emotional difficult people (i love my brother too, but I can deal with him the best as I’m the older one and we are the most alike so his hyde personality rarely affects me at all; water off a ducks back). I realise only now how I spent so long trying to get away from people like this only to be left with them. Why do wonderful people come with such difficult sides?