Hi, I(f27) just got out of abusive relationship I have been into for years. This was my only partner ever and I always felt bad in that relationship. But it’s religious marriage, so I sort of was alone with my feelings. There was emotional and sexual abuse. No real rape but like manipulation and blackmailing, threatening me with consequences if I don’t agree to have sex. He didn’t listen to me in bed, payed no attention to my tears and was wanting to have sex with me being ill, feeling bad, while he was drunk, touching me when I was asleep, rubbing against me.
Now I am dating long distance with a very nice man, we are intimate using what we can online and I have high libido and he is very understanding and so on. But I frequently have these flashbacks, panic attacks, emotional shit and ptsd things. Recently there was a situation when we were kinda intimate on video for the first time ever, just got undressed and he started asking me to do some things even like not showing them to him, just for my satisfaction. The sound was weak on my side and when I started panicking and asking him to slow down and wait, he didn’t hear and kept asking things. It triggered me badly, when he finally heard me, he stopped and I could barely collect my firmness to not let the tears out. I was so scared, panicking, like I was in the way of a train. He was upset because he thought I was scared of him. But in fact it was like the whole situation. I never was so close intimately with anyone else. I am afraid I will ruin everything when we finally meet.
Who went through that? Is there a positive outcome? I don’t want to panic because of simple loving intimate play.