The other night me (F) and my boyfriend were about to have sex after dinner. We started kissing, hugging, caressing and touching each other. As we started he told me there were some dirty dreams he had and wanted to tell me about After maybe 10-15 min he slapped me (this is something that I normally like, if I am turned on. I wasn’t horny enough at this point), and I asked to go slower. Then he backed up and said that he didn’t feel like doing it any more, that lately our sex is always too vanilla as I had asked it to be, and he felt like we never did it the way he likes it (more dirty). He said it was better if we went to sleep. I had been looking forward to be together that night all day and got slightly annoyed. Then this conversation became a disagreement where both of us felt really insecure and the whole ambience fell down, uncomfortable, painful.
Background before I continue: for the last few months, we have been playing around with the fantasy of having mfm threesome, which he particularly brought up and is excited about. We use toys to fantasise sometimes (he would like to use them more often), and what he likes about the mfm fantasy is to see me subdued, to see me being a slut. This fantasy does not always sit well with me, partly because I’ve read about so many bad experiences of mfm on Reddit. About a month ago I asked him to leave this fantasy on the side for a while as it was making me uncomfortable and self conscious as it would always come up in sex, and I could not focus on enjoying us.
So he said he did not really like vanilla sex all the time, and he felt as if he had to put up with it all the time, doing it the way I ask and felt boring. He later said that he did not feel as desired, that he felt I was looking at him with love and not desire and things were a lot fiery when we first started dating about 10 months ago. That was a trigger, because he has felt very insecure about his body and attraction in past relationships. He got really really low after this conversation.
On my side, I felt both conflicted and understanding, because I have also been on the side of losing attraction for sex because it felt too monotonous. I got vulnerable and insecure and even cried a little because I felt a crack between us, I don’t want the relationship to fail.
It takes me some time to warm up, and I don’t always want to bring up that fantasy because it makes me uncomfortable for some inner conflicts.
I admit that I do fall into routines and vanilla especially when I am tired and don’t feel like having a huge long sex (the minimum for us is at least 1 hour). I am not great at dirty talking and bringing topics and fantasies either
So I want to fulfill his needs more, being more passionate, but without bringing the mfm fantasy all the time. I suggested we write a list with all the moods we would like to set for sex, and choose random ones each time.
What’s your advice on becoming more passionate?