Throw away account for obvious reasons. I (38f) am adopted. I’ve known this since I was 12 but my parents only revealed this to me about 2 years ago. It was a huge relief when they told me because for years I was going a bit crazy with self doubt.
My husband and I have 2 kids one 16f and the other 6m. My daughter is his step daughter. My husband is an amazing father to his son. He does a lot with 6m. Spends a lot of time with him, is patient and loving. On the other hand he has no time for 16f. He is extremely critical of her and won’t cut her any slack. He doesn’t spend any time with her or do anything for her without turning it into a big argument. He often punishes her for not doing xyz or her attitude which I acknowledge can be pretty trying at this age. His behaviour towards her is the cause for 90% of our arguments. He often wants to go on holidays with just my son and me.
When he introduces 16f he will often refer to her as 38f’s daughter. He often says 6m loves him unconditionally but 16f often brings home attitude is selfish. In my honest opinion she’s just a very typical teenager. The part that irks me the most is he will often say he’s mine and she’s not. That cuts deep for me based on my family history. Everytime he says that it makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be loved by my parent because I’m not theirs.
I’ve tried explaining this to him but he just shuts it down by saying it’s different because my parents chose to adopt me. I have told him he chose to marry me and he knew we were a 2 in 1 package. Because he is frequently punishing 16f and telling her off, I often take 16f side and will be a lot more lax with 16f and cut her a lot of slack. This causes more friction between us and I’m spending more time questioning my relationship with someone who is not willing to spend time with 16f.
6m is starting to clue on to this favouritism and is causing a rift between a very beautiful sibling bond they have. 6m is also quite spoilt as he gets almost everything he asks for. On the other hand 16f wants some clothes and I buy it for her, I will find myself having to defend my purchase when questioned by my husband.
When we talk about this, it is difficult because his come back line is I pay for everything she does, which is not true since I work ft too I just don’t earn as much. I drive her places and you don’t understand what it is like to be a step parent. He is not wrong. I have 2 children and they are both mine. I am hoping reddit can shed some light on how else I can address this situation?
Tldr: husband is a stepparent and favours own child and is causing a rift within the family but he doesn’t see or acknowledge it.