About 5 years ago, I was hitting off with this girl that I met while I was studying English. Back then I never had an experience of actually dating someone and was very worried that I might screw this up. After some time, I met her after a year of exchange student period and I can’t remember how the date with her went.
After the date, my mind was filled with self-doubt and basically became a wimp who couldn’t handle all this. She even messaged me first after the date – “Are you at your place right now?” and I…ghosted her (and almost everyone. I still have a pile of messages that I haven’t read). Just like that.
We crossed path from time to time but I pretended as if nothing happened. I still liked her (till this day I guess) and wanted to talk to her but with my mind spiraling downward, I felt like puking everytime. It was a nightmare. I even guessed myself that I might have some sort of mental condition.
Some time after, I went to the counsellor and dealt with some of my conditions (OCD, depression and so on) I’ve finished my master’s degree and found myself a job. But back in my head, thought of her remained the same. I told myself it would be very, very rude and inconsiderate to message her after all these years. But…I just can’t help myself but wanting to talk to her. I found out that she didn’t block me and I can message her if I can muster up my courage. But should I? I am still not sure whether I should move on or not. I am a terrible person so I might just carry that weight with me…
TL;DR: I met a girl in the past, had a nervous breakdown and basically ghosted everyone, including her. After years, I (at least) believe I became a better person I want to get in touch with her but I know it’s inconsiderate to do so. What should I do?