I (29m) need advice on navigating a difficult living situation that has become increasingly toxic. I live in a house share with six people, and over the past 18 months, tensions have escalated to the point where I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to cope.
Here’s some context: Initially, things seemed fine, but when I expressed interest in asking one of the girls in the house out for drinks, things took a turn. This was a big deal for me and a big ask for me to put myself out there, because I’m not someone who has had many dates. Another housemate saw it as a competition and swooped in. While I have no issues with that – she’s free to make her own decisions. However, the way it was handled left me feeling misled and strung along. To add insult to injury, the girl in question began playfully hitting me, which escalated into violent punches and body-shaming comments in front of the rest of the house. As someone who was severely bullied in the past, this triggered a lot of painful memories and left me feeling isolated.
After feeling bullied and isolated, I made the reasonably easy decision to sever all contact and communication with my housemates. It was a self-preservation measure, driven by a need to protect my mental and emotional well-being. Walking around with AirPods in, listening to music, and avoiding eye contact became my coping mechanisms, shielding myself from further hurt and confrontation. While this approach may have provided temporary relief, it has also deepened the divide between us and intensified the hostile atmosphere in the house. Now, I find myself grappling with the consequences of my withdrawal, unsure how to move forward.
Additionally, I’ve been subjected to physical aggression, including being thrown down the stairs by the guy who is romantically involved with the girl (he tried to get into my room to retrieve a glass and a small plate that was in someone else’s room anyway). When I reported this incident to the landlord, no action was taken, leaving me feeling unsupported and vulnerable.
Amidst the strained relations, I also contend with the practical challenges of living in a shared space where cleanliness and consideration for others seem to be lacking. Returning home after long days at work, I often encounter a kitchen cluttered with dirty dishes, and pots filled with stagnant water from the day before. The communal living areas resemble more of a storage space for sporting equipment than a welcoming environment, with golf clubs strewn about, golf nets occupying valuable floor space, and golf balls scattered haphazardly.
Adding to the complexities of communal living are the prolonged stays of other people’s partners, who often occupy our shared space for weeks at a time. While I understand the desire to spend time with loved ones, the lack of consideration for housemates’ boundaries and shared living arrangements further strains an already tense environment. I actually organised a surprise visit for one of the guys’ girlfriends on his birthday when we were all on speaking terms. It was meant to be a gesture of goodwill. However, the deterioration of relationships since then has rendered such gestures unimaginable, leaving me wondering why I even bothered.
In the house, I’m constantly blamed for minor issues, when in fact it is other people that are responsible for things like loud door closing or clutter in shared spaces. I’m not around as much because of work commitments and a side hustle which keeps me out of the house until 9-10 pm most evenings. Confrontations with my housemates are frequent, and I struggle to assert myself or communicate effectively in those situations. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, and the hostility is taking a toll on my mental health.
Recently, one of my housemates aggressively confronted me about a minor issue, and I froze, unable to respond. He was yelling at me, called me childish and jumped on the fact that I freeze in those situations and begin to stutter. He mocked this and said something along the lines of “you’re an adult… g g get your words out”. I believe it was over a door that I opened in the kitchen which slammed when the wind caught it. This lack of confidence in confrontations has only exacerbated the situation, and I’m at a loss for how to address it.
I’m reaching out for advice on several fronts:
1. How can I build confidence in confronting my housemates about their behaviour and setting boundaries without fearing retaliation, making the situation worse, or making it a tit-for-tat style of argument?
2. I hate the idea of people taking advantage of me or other people getting one over on me. How can I tear myself away from this attitude and thought process without feeling like they’ve won? I feel that it is making me a worse person and one who is becoming cold, distant, isolated and filled with hate.
3. What steps can I take to improve my mental health?
I appreciate any insights or strategies you can offer. Thank you for taking the time to read.