I (23F) have been dating 25M for 10 months now. I am so scared I am going to sabotage this relationship because of my insecurities. I am just comparing myself endlessly with his ex-gf and his ex-FWB.. There are multiple things that bother me, I”ll try to list them:
It’s almost like I want to make myself feel anxious and insecure. Information, pictures or texts that I’ve found through lurking (which I try to stop doing) hurts my feelings but have burned themselves into my head. **(1)** For example, the summer we started dating he was frequently liking his ex-FWB pictures on IG – some revealing, some not – last one he liked was from a couple of months back, a very revealing one where she had taken a picture from above, angle looking into her tanktop, her tongue was out, nipple piercings visable through her shirt, very suggestive. Him liking provocative pictures of a woman he used to have sex with makes me uncomfortable. He hasn’t done it for months now, but I fear it could return around summer when she wears revealing outfits again.
**(2)** I’ve also recently realized in a group chat with his friends he added me to, you can look back at messages before you were in the GC. That led me to look way back and see some things from months before we started dating, that still bothers me. Messages about his ex-FWB, how hot she is, how hot it is that she is a masochist (I’m not one), etc. I even saw pictures he had shared in the GC of many, many nudes she had sent him and pictures he took while they were having sex, in many different positions (with her consent, she’s into it). It bothers me it looks to be using the same BDSM equipment he uses on me, the same positions he likes me in, etc. It makes me paranoid he’s thinking about her when he’s having sex with me. From the pictures it was apparent she is more sexually confident than I am, which makes sense given she has a much bigger sexual history than I do, he only just took my virginity, but still, it makes me scared he wishes I was more like her. This thoughts show up in my head almost any time we do anything sexual together, it’s horrible and obviously makes it very hard to be fully there and enjoy it
**(3)** I also saw a message he sent in the GC 8 days after him and I had met: *“I asked \*ex-fwb\* if she wanted to fuck just now, she’s online she’s ignoring me lol”.* This was 8 days after we met, 8 days after he sent a message to that same GC about how he met a cute girl and he thinks that she likes him (me). We weren’t official, didn’t become so until 5 days after he sent that ex-fwb message, but still, it kind of hurts he wishes to hook up with her once more even after we had met, we had had our first date at that point. Especially also because he has told me multiple times that having sex with her reassured him that sex just as a means to get off wasn’t for him, and that it was the emotional intimacy that made it important to him, he said he didn’t even enjoy it, wasn’t even attracted to her body type, etc…. yet he wanted to do it again? I fear he lied to me.
**(4)** There were also some messages from the past about his ex. He send various different texts various different occasions about how he loves how extremely outgoing and sociable she is and that they can have such intelligent discussions. I feel like him and I never discuss things back and forth. I also am very, very much the opposite of “sociable”, I am very quiet and subdued, I like to observe more than anything and talking to strangers makes me nervous. He also send a comment about how his ex, at the time when they were dating, had “perfect big boobs”, which makes me insecure since mine are much more on the smaller side.
This is me being insecure. I am aware of that, fully. I want to fix it. I am in queue for therapy, but for now I’m doing my best with what I can do. It is absolutely exhausting, the way everything makes me second guess myself. I’ve never felt as insecure as I do now. I’ve considered breaking up multiple times, even though I love him and really can see myself having a family with him in the future, just because it is so draining and I feel much more insecure now than I ever did before we were dating. The little insecurity that I do show him willingly, he will go on to reassure me a ton.. he’s very loving, supportive and reassuring that he loves me for how I am, he’s called me more attractive, trustworthy, more compatible, etc, that any girl he had a relationship with before, so it’s not as if he is trying to make me insecure or anything. It’s all in my head. *How do I improve from this? ANY advice appreciated x*
**TL;DR:** I’m struggling with insecurities in my relationship with my boyfriend of 9 months. I find myself comparing myself to his exes and feeling inadequate. I’ve discovered past messages about his ex-FWB and ex-girlfriend that exacerbate my anxiety, from before we were dating. Including him calling his ex-FWB hot, sharing the nudes she sent him, sharing pictures he took while they were having sex (with her consent). It makes me extremely insecure and worried that he prefers her, or is thinkig about her when we do stuff.
Also about his ex, about how he thinks she’s so amazing for being sociable and outgoing and I am the completely opposite. I worry that he wishes I was more like her.. I feel jealous and uncomfortable with the fact that he has liked his ex-FWB provocative IG pics last summer and I worry he will start liking her pictures again this summer when she starts to wear less clothing again, despite them seemingly not having been in contact since she ghosted him. I’m aware of my insecurities and seeking therapy, but it’s not readily available. My boyfriend is supportive, but I fear my insecurities may damage our relationship. How do I repair my insecurities?