I’m a 26 year old female and today I got approached from a guy to sit and talk while I was at a coffee shop. I let him sit and we talked for a while, honestly I just wanted to be nice and not discourage him for the future because so few people do it now and I know it’s hard but I’m not dating right now.
So I’m asking men, Would it have been better to just not let him from the beginning – I never know what the best thing to do is if I’m not interested. He said this is the smoothest this has gone for him and I felt very bad at the end
40 comments
Probably a better idea right at the start to say “I would prefer to be by myself at the moment thanks”. Any decent guy would thank you & walk away.
You literally tell him what you told us: “honestly I just wanted to be nice and not discourage YOU for the future because so few people do it now and I know it’s hard but I’m not dating right now.”
i feel like most guys would appreciate it if you were honest. while there is nothing wrong with a person shooting their shot, there is also nothing wrong with the other person stating their dating situation.
i see where you were coming from tho, defininetly still a kind thing to let him sit and talk to you. you seem like a nice person for that.
Guess I disagree with everyone, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you did, I don’t really see why it is worse that he had to spend a few minutes talking to you and if he didn’t have an issue with it then you shouldn’t need to feel bad either.
That’s how i interpreted your last sentence anyway, meaning that he said that afterwards, right? The very fact that he said that’s the best it has gone for him seems to be in line with your reason for talking to him in the first place.
Just get your point across that you aren’t interested. A firm rejection should stop most men.
No thank you
“I don’t mean to be rude but I really just need some alone-time rn” or “sorry, I have to take a phone call, nice meeting you”
Tell them you’re waiting on a call, busy with something, and don’t relent. I often point to my headphones, smile, and go back to what I’m doing. If they don’t get it, simply tell them you’re busy and cannot talk.
The golden rule?
Reject them the way you yourself would like to be rejected
When I’ve been asked out, but unavailable, I’ve always thanked the guy for asking or said something to the effect of “I’m flattered that you asked me out, but I’m actually seeing someone right now.” I would not want him to feel hurt or like a creep in any way, especially when he had the balls to ask in the first place. It sounds like many women aren’t so kind.
My favorite rejections are the polite but firm “I’m really not interested” Its kind of rare but I really appreciate it when its communicated clearly.
Dude here, I keep reading horror stories of men abusing women that turn them down. Unfortunately, I don’t think you should ask men this question. Rational men will give rational answers. Example, I offered to buy drinks for two women that were ordering at the same time as me. They said, “no thank you.” I said, ‘ok that’s cool.” And moved on.
Some AH Might have gotten offended and gone off the rails.
You might want to ask women on reddit to learn fail proof methods.
TLDR, I am a man. Don’t trust the opinion of men.
Edit, I can’t type and fixed a couple things and probably still missed stuff.
Sounds like it went nice and like you, he just enjoyed that chat?
why did you feel bad? I see nothing wrong being a nice person and having a chat with somebody, and when you’re done, just get up and say equally nice and friendly it’s been great, you enjoyed the chat a lot, have a great week! and away you go. He didn’t ask you to get married, he just sat down for a chat and you responded like a very decent respectful human being from your original post here.
You did the right thing. You dont owe anything . Be assertive like you are.
It’s perfectly fine to say, “I’m not interested and would rather be alone, but thank you for the offer.”
Every man has to learn how to take rejection and move on from it. Don’t worry about it.
In my cold approaching days a simple “No thanks, I’m not interested” worked on me.
I’m a woman. I’m 40 and married. When I was younger when guys did this I froze and was polite and felt uncomfortable. Then I got older and realized that if I didn’t like someone, I could still be polite and still not give them my time. Especially now as I’m married. If a guy approaches me, I’m polite. Say a little small talk. Then if they want to talk more than a minute, I say “well, I’m in the middle of something right now, nice talking to you” and smile politely. Then I look down at my phone and look busy. This is body language that says don’t bother me. This is words that say don’t talk to me anymore. Now most men that are decent will understand and move on. Some men don’t get it. They will persist. Then I will gather up my things and go to the bathroom and wash my hands. Then I come back. Usually they are gone. If they are not and persist this person is not safe. Find a crowded area and take a call or something or see if you can leave. I come from a scary neighborhood and now live in a decent city but still encounter a lot of strange men. Trust your instincts. Talk to the employees and make small chat with them to get a weird guy to beat it, this one works real good. Stay safe sis.
I’ve only approached women a few times in my life, and every single time was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. It is really very empathetic of you to be so concerned about a stranger’s wellbeing, especially as I know how much it must happen that men you’re not interested in approach you.
I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re a good person, so I’d always start with politeness and cordiality in the rejection, but in *no way* try and ‘break the news’ by with something like ‘something positive about you, but something negative about me’. It gives the wrong idea. “no” is a full sentence. What you said is absolutely perfect: “I wanted to be nice and not discourage you from politely approaching women because I know it’s really hard to do, but I’m not interested in dating right now”
A decent human being says, “Ah no worries, well it was really nice to meet you, have a good one!” and leaves you alone. A wanker *insists* on your time and energy, and at that point it’s totally fine to go “alright mate I was trying to be nice but I can clearly see you’re a cunt, fuck off *now* before I call the police”
Sometimes you don’t know if a guy is going to be an arsehole before you reject him, so it’s always a gamble. If you’re ever unsure, and have a bad feeling about a guy, “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m a lesbian” or “I have HIV” are all pretty good, too.
FWIW guys, I met my wife at the gym. Chatted briefly a few times, asked her out for coffee, she said yes, and it is the first time a girl I didn’t already know has ever said yes to me asking her out. The fact of the matter is that people say, “Don’t approach women it’s rude and impolite” but then what are your alternatives? Tinder? Friend of a friend? Trying to get set up? Someone from work? While men and women are equals in many aspects, dating is not one of them. If I ever had to go back to online dating, Bumble is the *only* app I would bother using. The odds are stacked *heavily* against men. Approaching women and being rude and impolite is rude and impolite. Approaching someone to have a friendly conversation is fine *if* you are able to read their body language and immediately leave them the fuck alone if they show *any* signs of being not interested in talking to you.
“I don’t want to make you feel bad for the attempt, but the answer is no.”
“Thanks for the chat, I’m not really looking to date right now but I’ll take your number!”
Cold approaches are like job interviews. No one ever tells you that you didn’t get the position. You just never get a call back.
Just straight up tell him “sorry but I’m actually not dating right now, thanks for approaching me though”. Or something similar. The only time where I’ve taken rejection personally is when a girl would give me a weird look when I asked her out. Like she was disgusted, or if she swatted me away/ was hostile.
Politely but firmly and clearly. Your job isn’t to manage their feelings, it’s to look after your own.
I think it was handled fine. There is no “right” way to handle it. An immature guy isn’t going to like rejection regardless of how it’s served to him. A mature guy is probably get a little wounded in the ‘ol ego regardless of how you do it, as well. I get WHY women have to be careful with how they reject women but goddamn do I hate they have to be.
I’m in a long term committed relationship but this entire thread makes me want to approach women just to gracefully accept rejection and help change the perception of shitty men.
In general I think ‘cold approaching’ is kind of annoying, similar to getting a telemarketer call. I treat it like I would someone calling me up to buy something I don’t want or need with ‘no thanks I’m not interested’ and continue with life.
if youre not interested say no to the sit and talk idea in the first place. its your space and theres no need to sugar coat anything or feel sorry for him. if hes normal he’ll accept it and leave you alone.
Start speaking gibberish. Fart, burp, even pee on yourself if you can. We’ll get the hint
I think the sentiment you’re going for could be best explained with a simple:
“Hi, I appreciate your approach and confidence, but I’m just not interested. I hope this doesn’t discourage you from putting yourself out there in future because you haven’t done anything wrong.”
Pick your nose
Yes we must embrace the Sock of rejection, I should explain, asking a female colleague out one time in a different department, I sent her an email, and of course I told her if it was a no, no problem, I’m a big boy, I can handle the Shock of rejection… at least that’s what I meant to say.. damn typos, Woebetide the man who wears the Sock of Rejection….🤣🤣
You handled it correctly. You can’t post a “ Not Hiring” shingle so you politely address any inquiries with a no thank you while not being dismissive.
“I really appreciated your respectfully coming up and sharing a conversation with me. Right now I’m not interested in dating, but I think you were brave to walk up and ask. So thank you and good luck”
Though it sounds like how you let him down was perfectly sufficient too. It’ll always hurt to cold approach someone until you are used to it. Nothing you said can pad that sting.
So just be respectful and courteous and honest. There is nothing shameful about setting your own boundaries and stating your preferences.
And for anyone reading this who haven’t learned how to to approach yet:
it is totally ok to
– feel scared
– to feel hurt if you’re turned down
Be respectful. Here’s the biggest hint to hitting it off with a stranger I can offer… whoever he/she/xe are, they are just another person. A human like you with fears and hopes and dreams and will things they like and don’t.
Don’t be afraid to say hi. And don’t worry too much if they aren’t into you. That’s ok! Thank them for their time and candor as well and wish them well
When he said “this is the smoothest this has gone” that was your queue to say “actually…”
Just say you’re engaged or have a boyfriend. Don’t sit and talk with them.
Just be up front about it. We have worst cases as well. She calls us a creep, laughs at us, we go home and question our life choices up to this point. Your worst case is him flipping out and casing a scene (i’m sure there is far worse, but just making a quick example). The sooner your intentions are said, the easier imo the man can be like “well, I’m psychically attracted to you so I’m just going to leave and not waste both our times.” but maybe that is just me.
The easiest let down is to imply that you already have a boyfriend (even if you don’t) – whatever he says, work your boyfriend into the conversation. “I like your dress” “thanks, my boyfriend bought it for me!” “would you like to dance” “no thanks, I’m just waiting for my boyfriend” “Nice weather we’re having” “my boyfriend likes nice weather too!” It kind of takes the sting out of the rejection – she’s not *rejecting* you, she’s just already found somebody.
Honestly, best to turn them down on the spot. Regardless of intention it can seem like you’re leading them on
I think he dodged a bullet.
It sounds like you were handled it very kindly. If I find the courage to approach a woman like that and she wasn’t interested yet entertained me in pleasant conversation, I’d still count that as a positive experience.
But of course, if the guy gives you the creeps or you’re simply not in the mood, politely telling him that you’re interested is still a good way to go. After all, how a person takes rejection isn’t your responsibility, especially when you’re not rude about it.
Be upfront, direct and nice in your approach. The initial kindness cost you nothing and can make for a smoother easier interaction. Here are some examples:
Can I join you? (If you’re open to company but not dating): I’m okay with it but I want to let you know I’m not interested dating right now because (reason). I’ll gladly take the conversation though if you understand that and are okay with it
Can I join you or can I have your phone number? (If you’re not open) I appreciate the compliment and the courage it took for you to ask me for my number or social media contact/ to join you but I’m (reason).
It’s a complimentary, kind but firm no. The kindness and compliment will disarm him and help smooth his feeling and the interaction. (You’re not obligated to take care off the other person but this will make it smoother for you.) The clear no, right upfront, should make it real clear.
If they don’t get it after that and move to being creepy, toss nice out the window, be kind to yourself and escalate in making it clear that you meant it when you said no. (Try to avoid insults though)
Good luck. 👍