TL;DR Abused boy is outcasted in high school and is now questioning 10 years later if he was the cause, and how to fix it.
I was thinking about this today after a discussion with my wife that since I was an outcast in high school, I still am one today. I have the generic tragic backstory most do, mother and stepfather were drug addicts, abused physically and mentally. That was all when I was around 1-6. After my dad took me in, never talked about anything that happened though. In middle school I was really popular, I said anything on my mind so that was reinforced as being a good thing, that’s when I started acting out, just trying to be funny. (One time I said I was gonna blow up the school and got suspended, I couldn’t understand why, I said it as a joke, a bad joke yes, but a joke none the less. I was not allowed to watch tv nor did I have access to the internet at this time, so my thoughts were “How would a middle schooler even get a bomb? What are you adults stupid or something?”)
I think I tried holding onto the same type of personality that people liked throughout middle school to high school. It is synonymous to how the manosphere men act today. I had connections from middle school and would often eat lunch with them. But when I hit my sophomore year, seats stopped becoming available, for me at the table. I knew and I had too much anxiety to sit with people I didn’t know, so I skipped lunch and would try to find somewhere to just wait out the lunch period. After this point I would just ignore everyone and keep my headphones in throughout the day
I dropped out due to depression and maybe other things. I didn’t talk much, I didn’t go out much, so i started streaming while I played video games. People in my life saw it as a waste of time and pushed me to just work a factory job and hope to move up after years. (It was actually the leading cause for getting me kicked out of not 1 but 3 houses) I was always a nice guy but not a genuinely nice person, just a guy who would be nice to get what I wanted. I started getting followers, and felt accepted, made it to a good subscriber count. like 1.5k but then I quit. A few reasons but one of the main one was that no viewers would show up unless I played a specific game I was really good at. Not because of me, but my skill, or so was how I viewed it..
Until my early twenties, like 21-22. I’m 27 now :P. I was so sad an depressed about not making friends that I was making trying to force it with the first people interacting with me. Even with them though they had taken more of a liking to my wife then myself. I’m not sure what it is, but you know that feeling that you introduce people and they become better friends and eventually they hang out without you? That has been something I noticed happens to me for awhile. Throughout my life I’ve only ever been invited to things from people passing out fliers for events. When I say it I think people think I’m trying for pity or being facetious when I’m mainly just making an observation, that or the people who did invite me were people I didn’t want to hang out with.
I thought I just had naturally low charisma but thanks to my dad I know the art of being charismatic. My dad is super charismatic and can make friends with anyone so I just mimicked him. While I could use the right tone my verbiage felt wrong I felt like everything I said or do would be wrong or misunderstood. So I made the realization it was how I viewed myself, so I worked on that a lot with the help of my wife (Who actually has been the only person to choose me) made it to the point where I love who I am. And I know the path of the person I want to become. But I still see myself as an outcast. I also don’t see it as a bad thing, just something that is. But is that self destructive? Will I have to do away with that thinking so I can run my business? If you were an outcast, if you’ve never stopped being an outcast are you still one or am I just reinforcing because I want to be one?
As a kid I was obsessed with not wanting anyone to remember me. I begged teachers to remove my pictures, or any proof that I was there closer to graduation. I skipped the picture days so I wouldn’t have a picture in the year book. If it’s harmful how does one change that mindset, go out and try to make acquaintances?
Thanks for coming to my ted talk and opinions are greatly appreciated.