I’m not sure this is quite the right sub but it’s dating-related so looking for insights from y’all.
So, long story short, I (31 F) have a tragic backstory, including growing up in an abusive home and dire poverty. I’ve pulled myself out of most of it – got a degree, a well-paid job, own my home, etc.; by all accounts living a secure middle class life.
But my relatives (mom, siblings, close cousins) are mainly playing out the patterns again. My family has a lot of substance abuse history, financial irresponsibility, job instability, petty crime, and other issues that (in my experience) are typical of a low-income family. As a stereotype, they’d be “trailer trash” or “hillbillies” if that gives context.
In the past, I have always dated in my originating social class: people who grew up poor and whose families had similar issues to mine. But my last several dating situations have been with guys who grew up fairly affluent and in stable loving families. As just us, we get along great, we have similar priorities, and that’s the kind of upbringing I want for my future kids.
When my dates ask about my family, if I give honest answers, I see the trepidation on their face. I get it, my family is a mess. But I love them and they will always be part of my life; I see my family for dinner about once a week. Their dramas mainly don’t affect my actual life, but it’s not at all unusual to get nonchalant family gossip updates like “Uncle Steve is back on meth” or “did you hear your cousin now has a third baby daddy”.
Any advice for dating across social class? Short of just not talking about my family (which is generally what I do for the first 6-8 weeks but isn’t sustainable forever), is there anything I can do to help dates understand that my family’s lifestyle is not at all indicative of mine?
16 comments
You’re right you can’t hide it forever. Some may see it as a strike against you, but there’s a whole other set of people who will be impressed you pulled yourself out of that. It’s definitely a net positive in my book.
I think it’s more important to communicate whatever boundaries and expectations you have regarding your family with your partner. You mention kids, given the situation would you ever want your relatives to watch your kid(s) for you? Do you expect your partner to visit your family on holidays? If shared finances are in your future, do you expect financially supporting anyone in your family in the future? I’m not saying this is first date stuff, but these are potential concerns that your partner might have that you might want to figure out the answers to sooner rather than later.
>When my dates ask about my family, if I give honest answers, I see the trepidation on their face. I get it, my family is a mess. But I love them and they will always be part of my life; I see my family for dinner about once a week. Their dramas mainly don’t affect my actual life, but it’s not at all unusual to get nonchalant family gossip updates like “Uncle Steve is back on meth” or “did you hear your cousin now has a third baby daddy”.
>Any advice for dating across social class?
Like with everything else, you’ll just have to keep dating until you meet someone who accepts your background and your family. Maybe it’ll be a guy who grew up in affluence but is understanding of your history; maybe it’ll be a guy who grew up poor just like you and now lives a financially stable life, so he gets it.
I wouldn’t worry about it. What you have demonstrated is resilience. You’re also building up these guys who come from “stable loving families.” Just because they come from affluent families, does not in any way mean they were stable families, and you will find a lot of garbage in their families as well. It’s just not as obvious and often more hidden in more affluent families. Lots of heroine and cocaine in the wealthy burbs, for example. Dysfunction is ubiquitous in a dysfunctional society.
We have a ton in common except I’ve had to cut my mom out of my life. Drug addiction has gotten the best of her and I need to separate myself from what’s left. I’d imagine that makes some things easier, like women don’t have to be around it. But then I’ve had women say it’s concerning I don’t talk to her.
I have no real advice. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this situation.
Some dynamics I run into are women putting me on a pedestal (two women have told me they’ve done this) for being so strong and making it out. Then they convinced themselves they weren’t good enough for me.
Another one is women accusing me of hiding my feelings. They say that there’s no way that a person who went through what I did could be as rounded as me and they know there’s something they need to fix underneath the surface.
This only happened once but I dated a very very successful woman (ceo of a tech company). I do well but she had FU money. After a few drinks she said my story broke her heart and she wanted to be my sugar mama and spoil me.
It’s all rather insulting. I hope your experience is different and people just accept you.
As someone from a similar background, they may just be worried that your family could view you as the familial safety net / bank / boarding house during hard times.
I keep my family business on a need to know basis. I like to think that my firm boundaries with my family are readily apparent with time. By the time they know the scope of it, they’ve already seen that I don’t let my family’s chaos bleed over in to my own life.
Your family is what it is. I think being honest about it is wise. I’d probably determine to what degree you’ll allow familial issues to intrude into your life. (edit) AND let your dates know the answer to that question.
Eg. Will you be the one to take in your niece when her baby daddy goes to prison and she has no job to provide a home for her kids?
Or is that type of thing off the table? People you date care more about situations that will significantly impact them, not the mere fact your family is of lower means or has more drama amongst themselves.
If they DO care about the mere fact you come from a low-income family, well, you probably don’t want to be with them anyhow.
I’m going to be honest. I have trouble family members too. I learned to love people from a healthy distance. I come around from time to time but it’s not an environment I want to be around.
The biggest problem for me has been approach to life. I have had no safety net my whole life. I have money and perfect credit but if I fuck up, there’s no one who has the ability to help me out. Where as anybody who didn’t grow up poor has more appetite for risk. They will just move back in with their parents or get inheritance to solve their bad financial decisions. The problem is I will always be that poor starving stinky kid in my head and they think they will be middle class or better forever.
As someone that came from a more affluent family and is now engaged to someone from a poor family, I can say that we both have plenty of family issues and they way that we deal with them and talk about them is just different. And we have honestly learned a lot from each other and how we communicate and set boundaries. Maybe I’m just optimistic but I think it’s very feasible to make it work.
So the more successful I become in life the more I’m surrounded by “healthy and stable” people and honestly I’ve given up even sharing my story with them. I divulge almost nothing and let them think I’m one of them.
When it comes to dating, again, the barest of details and they’ll still feel sad for me without ever really knowing the truth. I don’t have any good advice here except to keep dating, give out the bare minimum (even less than what you think) and hope you find someone who is understanding enough to bridge that gap.
For some, marriage for example isn’t just the union between two people, but the union between two families. A lot of people think this is absolutely absurd, but it is what it is.
And naturally, they will take your family into consideration. So people that grew up in single-parent households or trouble households will get unfairly judged.
Fortunately, there are those that are more open-minded and will look past it 🙂
Everyone has skeletons, some aren’t just as visible as others. I too come from absolute dumpster fire of a family, both biological and adopted. Generational trauma, residential school survivors, and drug addiction out the wazoo. It becomes pretty clear once you get to know me the shit I’ve had to go through go to get where I am. And I’m proud of that.
Some people are horrified by things like this and others aren’t. The ones that don’t judge and run away and accept you for who you are and what you’ve overcome to be where you are right now are your people. Everyone else can go sit on their fingers and spin.
If they can’t tell you live a different lifestyle than your family does, they’re dumb. I wouldn’t judge someone based on their family, but I would judge them on how they treat their family (disrespectful to parents, etc). I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
So I’ve been on the opposite end of where you’re standing and it’s never bothered me… Maybe a little bit because I’m not always sure how to respond to everything.
But I’ve never let someone’s family represent the person I’m dating.
Sure family is a part of a partners life, but If I’m dating a person then I’m dating them… not their family. Some people don’t see it like that and that’s fine, but then we’re not on the same wavelength and would likely need to part ways.
Be open about your life and see how people react.
Maybe just mentioning that you’ve learned to have boundaries with your family and have done the work/are doing the work to get out of that cycle. TBH id be nervous hearing that a close family member is on meth or about “another baby daddy.” Not bc its indicative of anything bad about YOU, more like, ok if we get serious will we be responsible for bailing people out of jail? watching a bunch of kids that arent ours? will we constantly be asked for money? stuff like that