It’s Sunday today and I usually spend Sundays quiet at home doing house chores, lounge, watch TV and relax, unless there’s something else already planned ahead or an emergency, I have Sundays for myself.
However, today my MIL came to visit unannounced. She texted my husband “I’m coming to your house now” and my husband told me about the text as soon as he got the text. I asked my husband whether they talked about her coming over and forgot to tell me and he said no. So while I feel a bit guilty of being annoyed of her coming over without an advance plan, I held myself back and thought, that’s okay she’s my MIL and my husband for sure would love her to visit sometimes.
So here’s what I didn’t appreciate. She finally showed up at the door 15 minutes after the text message “I’m coming to your house now”, when I opened the door, I was dumbfounded by her, as she didn’t show up by herself! She came with a friend who I do not know personally. I may have acted cold while they were here at our house and felt little disrespected by my MIL by coming over unannounced and worse, bringing someone I do not know. She said she was in the area and would like to bring us dinner. Although I appreciate the thoughtfulness, I do not appreciate the unannounced visit with a friend. They only stayed for about half an hour, probably could tell how annoyed I was. I thanked her for the food though but I couldn’t really convince myself that it’s okay for her to disrespect my privacy for bringing a friend.
I wanted to talk to my husband without him getting upset and think that I I’m ungrateful.
This isn’t the first time it happened. It happened a year ago when my husband and I were both working from home and they suddenly showed up at the door. My husband let them all the way in the kitchen. At that time, I was not made aware of them visiting at all!
Is it just me? Or does my MIL not respect me at all?
5 comments
t’s totally understandable to want some heads-up before guests pop by, especially with a friend in tow. Maybe have a gentle chat with your husband about setting boundaries with your MIL. Keeping communication open is key! Wishing you luck in finding a balance that works for everyone.
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70 year old guy here, married 46 years and together 53. I don’t know about being disrespectful or attempting to show superiority, but it is not right to just show up. At this age, what I would say is that life is too short, and this is not worth getting upset over.
For the record, when we were married, the words used were, “The two become as one.” The concept of separate finances is just off to me. What I make is ours, and what she makes is ours.
Your MIL is definitely a piece of work. It is very doubtful she would change at this stage of her life. I am guessing that your husband is aware, but he will say nothing as he has been conditioned to accept her ways his whole life. It may explain why he seems to be distrusting financially and perhaps other ways that are not so obvious.
When your MIL makes unwelcome comments, just look at her and say, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts.” Say nothing more and turn away. I am guessing that after doing this several times, she will temper her opinions. If she challenges you and asks what you mean, just say you respect the opinions of others to provide a different perspective and always something to consider. If she challenges you further and asks why you never act on her suggestions, you can respond by saying that while you respect her opinion, you have yours as well and make the decision based on what makes you happy with your life.
You are being the ultimate diplomat, and it’s an argument she can’t win. It may not change her opinions, but perhaps she will voice them less often.
I would also ask your husband his reason for separate finances and what he sees as the benefits. I would say it makes it appear as if he is not fully committed to the marriage with one foot in and one foot out. I would carefully consider “the benefits” of having children with this man. Ask him how he would see that working in a “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is yours”, scenario.
This happened to me once, a month after my first child was born. Except I had NO heads up. She said she was oh I was visiting SIL and thought I’d drop by….ughhh
But then again I do not like visitors without lots of prep time.