I tend to keep my emotions to myself and get into my head that vulnerability will only cause unnecessary complications and potential disappointment.
Speaking up for myself always puts me in fight or flight mode, especially in relationships. I feel the need to defend myself in case they try to manipulate me or dismiss my feelings. I know a lot of it is me having to practice and recognize I am not in my past relationships/childhood. I know I need to go to therapy and probably get on medication because I feel like I spiral whenever these conversations come up. I just don’t feel safe or heard and it feels like there is nothing anyone can say to comfort me to calm me down. It’s exhausting. I just want to be alone and sleep it off til I forget how I was feeling.
My partner wants me to speak up if anything is bothering me but it’s overwhelming. Sometimes I think I am just being dumb and he wants me to say it anyways and I feel more dumb based off his reaction. Maybe I am too into the habit of repressing my emotions but I don’t want to bring everything up because sometimes I just need to let the discomfort pass.
I know getting into my head is not good but letting anyone in makes things so complicated. When I am in therapy I feel like I can see things clearer but talking to anyone I care for makes me feel like I want to just put my head in the sand.
I currently can’t afford therapy and I am working on getting a good psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, any advice in the mean time? Book recommendations?
I find myself becoming more avoidant to speaking up for myself to the point I don’t like to be around people anymore. I just want to feel like I have a voice without feeling like I am going to lose everything for it.