I have a friend who I’ve known for a few years. We met in person slightly before the pandemic began and kept in touch via text over the next few years because we lived in different countries. We have similar interests, chatted almost everyday and shared a lot of personal things.
He is charismatic, intelligent, witty, always smiling, and I feel like I’m giving more than he is. I have given him money when he was unemployed, brought him chocolates that were difficult to find and even traveled to another country to see him and I make it known that I care about him and want to strengthen our friendship. He doesn’t seem to reciprocate.
Well there’s more: he was away for a few months and just returned a few weeks ago, but he didn’t tell me which day he was arriving and didn’t make plans with me when he arrived.
He said he wanted to hang, but it was very vague. We tried to get together this past weekend, but he “wasn’t feeling well,” and now he’s leaving again tomorrow for a short trip, but will be back in a week or so.
Our last text message exchange was from a few days ago and he hasn’t told me if he’s feeling better and if he wants to meet before he leaves on his trip. I know I could text him, but why does it always have to be me?
I feel like I’m not priority in his life and he doesn’t care about me as much as I do. If I traveled to a city where a good friend lived, I would have let them know right away and made a plan to see them especially after being away for a few months.
Should I be open and honest about how I feel and talk to him? My friends tell me to move on and let it go, but I feel like not communicating is worse and will make me become bitter and unhinged.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
3 comments
Be open and honest. What’s the worst that’ll happen? You lose a friend you’re already ready to lose? Be honest. Stand up for yourself. Do not people please.
Honestly, I’ve had a friend like this – very similar – very friendly, charismatic, easy to get on with etc. but when shit hits the fan, he wasn’t there for me and puts no effort in retaining the friendship now he’s moved away. Let me down many times on meet ups. I’ve mentally distanced myself and gone through the grief of losing that friendship.
I also support you talking to them about how you feel and go from there. If they’re not willing to balance the scales then you can move on. If they care and put in some effort then that’s also a win.
I let my friend know that them ghosting me for two years really hurt (esp after a lot of things I’ve done for them). He apologised, but then disappeared again so I’ve cut my losses.
I’ve had friends like this. Manipulative and greedy. The biggest problem is what you’re investing in them; it seems to be a lot of time and money.
Many people will tell you to completely cut this person off. That would be wise. But I also offer an alternative: just stop giving this person stuff. Anything. You can keep the contact, maybe catch up every once in a while. Cross them off your “friends” list and put them into your “professional conctacts” list. But that’s if they have anything they can help you with