I don't usually care what others think of me. However around sometime in 2022, I developed this unexplainable fear or what my closest friends think of me.
It is very frustrating. Just today was another example. I had to pay close attention to what I was doing and exactly how I interacted with someone I have become closer to, because I feared that I might end up doing something revolting or something that will taint my image to said person. Every time the person said something nice I sigh a relief. Every time I fear I may have wronged the person I start to panic.
The frustrating part TODAY was when I grew so tired that I just relaxed for one minute, then I suddenly worried that what I just did within that time frame has made the person find me revolting or that I have done something that paints me in a bad light, just because I was being myself. It is an endless cycle
It is very, VERY FRUSTRATING. Especially so now knowing that in the past, I had to cut off ties with a close friend because of my irrational fears. It is time and energy consuming. And it really sucks because it only happens when I am interacting with someone I am close with (as a friend).
IT IS EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING because I just want to be myself. I want to be myself and do things and have friends knowing that they don't care about how I act because that is how they know me as.
I HATE having to come up with some way to small talk or "apologise" for something later in the day over text just to talk to the person again and try to see if/reassure myself that everything is alright. For the record, about the friend I cut off ties with, I had to try to come up with some small talk EVERYDAY over text just to reassure myself that everything is alright. It is an endless cycle
What am I to do. When I cut off ties with that friend, I experienced peace. But now that I have interacted and made new friends, the fear has returned.
**(Right now I am considering sparking a small talk to the friend I interacted with today just to reassure myself everything is alright,: "Hi could you send the video you took today? Thanks. Also sorry if I didn't contribute much to lab session today (this is a lie, I intend to just type that to…I don't know anymore…)