My wife and I have a cycle of very inconsistent sex. Half the time it is very enjoyable and electric, half the time it results in her completely shutting down and screaming at me, and I honestly cannot see what I am doing differently.
We(38m, 35f) have been married 9 years and have 2 kids. She is the only woman I have ever been with, naturally I had difficulty pleasuring her in the beginning of the marriage but I think we have worked together and I have learned alot. I am certainly not perfect but I take it slow, listen to her body and try to let things simmer slowly.
The problem as I see it is half the time she just doesn’t communicate or get involved at all. She just lays there and basically says “yes, no, no, no, no….i can’t do this anymore, you need to learn how to touch me”. It’s like she will micro manage my every move, getting upset when it’s not absolutely perfect, and then yell at me that she hates having to control sex.
Tonight we started with some light massage, she was a bit controlling about how I was doing it but i went with it and eventually she remarked how it was so perfect and she was so lucky that I am her husband. I then proceeded to start fingering her, eventually she said it felt great and to keep doing it. Then something shifted(I don’t know what) and she said it didn’t feel good. She asked what fingers I was using…I showed her my ring and middle finger and she got so upset and basically called me inept for thinking I should use those fingers. To quote, “you are the only man I have ever been with that I had to explain how to touch a woman”.
These same fingers were pleasuring her 5 minutes previously, and I’m sure I’ve used them many times before. The issue to me is not that she didn’t like it….thats fine, but she could say “baby I don’t like those 2 fingers, please always use your index” or something else. Instead she just calls me sexually inept which is hurtful and shows completely disregard for the great sex we had just days ago, and countless times throughout our marriage. I’d say it’s 50/50 good/bad.
I’m really just tired of this cycle and being made to feel like a POS, but I definitely don’t want to divorce or live in a sexless marriage.
Appreciate any advice