When I was younger, I was the quintessential wall flower. I didn’t understand how to interact with others or make conversation, so I stayed quiet. Over the years, I’ve ruthlessly observed how other people operate in social situations. By the time I reached college, I was fluent enough in socializing that I could join a sorority, made a lot of lifelong friends, and felt confident talking to people
As an adult, the rules of socializing have changed again. Whereas in college, there were plenty of topics to chat about (schoolwork, parties, mutual friends, etc), my friends all have different jobs and my friend groups have become more disparate. Nobody has enough time to see each other as often, so the first question they ask is often the dreaded:
“What have you been up to?”
For the past 6 months, I’ve been focusing on my mental and physical health journey. But saying, “Oh nothing really, just working and going to the gym” doesn’t facilitate connection or conversation. People want to be entertained and enthralled. Unless they haven’t seen you since you started a self improvement journey and you look dramatically different, they don’t want to hear about your efforts (this is different with close friends, of course)
It’s unfortunate, but people who don’t know you judge your worth based on what they think you can provide to them. If you have nothing going on, you’re already off to a bad start. Why would they want to build a relationship with someone who isn’t going anywhere?
Once I became consistent in my routines and added more passions, hobbies, and projects to my life, I found it was MUCH easier to have conversations with those 2nd- and 3rd-tier acquaintances. Suddenly, instead of getting stuck discussing work (a topic I have no interest in), I can discuss things like creativity and showcase my discipline and commitment to myself and my interests.
This subtly reminds everyone I speak with that I am a committed person: someone to be relied upon.
Some of what I’ve been working on:
– I love writing, and I started a newsletter on Substack. Plus, talking about it helps spread the word! (EDIT: someone messaged to ask for the link so posting it here if you’re curious: https://verymadz.substack.com )
– My roommate and I started hosting pop up events in our space (dinner parties and shows)
– I’m a fiend for movies and books. I always mention what I last read or saw and come to social events armed with recommendations. This has the added bonus of making me a tastemaker in people’s eyes. It’s also a great way to suggest future get-togethers (a trip to a new bookstore or to see a film)
– I’m planning to start gardening this summer, too
More recommendations for you:
– Taking a class (pottery, writing, a class at a local college)
– Anything creative. Bonus points if it is something you can share
– Talking about a career shift or side hustle you started (avoid the topic of work, though. Stick to changes and developments and highlight why they make you valuable as a connection)
– Volunteering
– Training for a race
– Going to interesting local events (I always have a lot to say after a concert or comedy show)
– Seeking out new restaurants and bars. One of my friends is known as the go-to guy for all things eating and drinking. This is great for initiating follow-up hangouts as well
– Cooking or baking. Works best if you have a recipe to send or a picture of what you made (make sure it’s well-lit and appetizing). Integrates nicely with hosting dinner parties if that’s what you like!