TLDR; I thought about making a throwaway but I don’t even care who sees this who knows me in real life. I am neurodivergent and struggle with social concepts all the time and I’m tired of over analyzing everything and having everything go wrong. I am smart enough to see myself failing at social cues and lacking the ability to fix it. I can see when people don’t like my sayings and lack cognitive awareness to resolve it. Everyday I get mowed down and have to build myself back up. I have been in therapy but it isn’t helping. List of reasons why are below, feel free to skip.
– I thought my boss was happy with my performance. Nope, I found out via third-party she is not and I have to go job hunting.
– I thought my landlord was alright with my presence. I always pay my rent on time, am never home, it’s always quiet in my unit, and I bring goodie treats to the community. It’s all for nothing since I’m told I have a month to leave. What I did wrong is a mystery to me.
– I moved states and finally have a knit-group of friends in the city after five years of feeling alone. All of them are moving next month to various cities, which I found out yesterday at once. I know this is not my fault with me but I have to start from scratch. Again. I have no family here. Like I said I am nuerodivergent and my lack of social awareness is a problem that seems to never get better even after being in therapy for so long. Oh and since I’m mentioning loneliness, my lifelong partner passed last fall after losing a pregnancy. I still have rocky emotions about that.
I can’t do anything right ever and am losing the will to keep going. I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t even matter what I do because everything gets fucked always. I hate this. I hate looking out the window and watching my life go by but having the inability to fix whatever issue is happening. Why can’t I just be normal and figure out what’s wrong with me? Any advice welcome if you’ve read this far. Thank you.
2 comments
I’m so sorry things are rough for you! Life is hard enough without having to deal with this on top of it.
You say you’re not sure what you’re doing wrong. Since these are situations you’re leaving anyway (job, living space) why not ask the boss and the landlord what exactly they didn’t like? At this point you have nothing to lose. Tell them you’re looking for a fresh start and could use some constructive feedback.
That’s where I’d start.
I was recently diagnosed with Type II bipolar disorder. At 40. I spent the last majority of my life thinking that I was the most sorry, useless, pathetic excuse for a human (let alone an adult human); unable to perform simple tasks, even when I knew what needed doing; unable to respond to societal situations despite having clear memory of having dealt with similar situations earlier in my life.
Nothing done right, if it was even done at all… That was my reality for longer than it should have been; until the day I was diagnosed. Simply knowing what was causing this shit lifted the burden. I still have a lot of work to do and a long way to go but that first step was more important than I ever would have thought.
I spent over two decades alternately believing I was a waste of air and I was the greatest person in the history of mankind. Never knowing that these extreme views of self aren’t normal. Never knowing that my daily existence was the very definition of unhealthy living.
I say all this in the hope that it will add more weight and thus make you believe me when I tell you that it’s never too late. Help can be found.. even if you don’t think you deserve it