Over the years I have had all sorts of friends, partners, and family (some toxic and some… not necessarily toxic) – and I could talk to all of them comfortably in spite of being a major introvert, as long as the relationship was real enough to be considered "close", like if I had time to get used to their presence. However, even at my best and with my closest of relationships, I still struggle a great deal to actually say/convey what is actually on my mind.
It's as if my thoughts are in an entirely different language, so, when I don't have enough time to "translate" my thoughts, it can often come out weird, or inaccurate to what I actually want to say. For example, if I wanted to say "I don't like Oatmeal cookies." when someone offered me some, what actually might come out could instead be "I'm not hungry." So sometimes what I say, though it may get my original idea across somewhat, depending on the situation, I can sound rude or stupid or weird, and I don't know how to make my voice actually say what I mean to get across.
When I was younger, I had the same problem when I tried to write out my thoughts, and the only way I fixed that was by writing my first novel, and redoing it dozens and dozens of times, until I felt I got it to match what I was actually thinking. It took several years, but I eventually managed to make the words match what I was thinking. Yet, no matter how many times I try to do the same thing when I try to talk to other people, practice, I just can't seem to make it come out right.
Sometimes I think maybe it's everyone else who just isn't listening or keeping up with me, but I know that can't be the only reason, right? Then, I'm so used to being ignored or judged or whatever, because I'm so introverted, that I'm always over explaining myself when I do talk, and that just seems to make people ignore or judge me even more – so then I try doing the opposite just so they will listen to at least a little of what I have to say, but then I end up screwing up my words, like I mentioned before, and I stop being able to get my point across like I want to.
I'm just so stuck on what I'm supposed to do about improving my ability to actually say what I want to convey to people!
And I'm so SICK of hearing people and self help junk tell me that the problem is "lack of self confidence", "lack of practice or experience", bla bla bla. I have plenty of self confidence and I don't give a hoot about what people think of me, but that doesn't mean I can suddenly just say what I actually want to say and when I want to say it. I have had loads of opportunities and moments where I thought to say things to strangers, like "Your nails are pretty." "Awesome jacket!" "The music they are playing in the store today is nice." – BUT IT DOESN'T COME OUT! I just end up freaking standing there in silence like a totally awkward idiot because my voice won't come out like I want it to! Part of me even thinks I'm starting to be "too considerate" to even break the god awful silence – yeah, I KNOW it's hella awkward, but my body just ain't freaking listening to me so I can change that! Then, when something finally does come out, it's not even what I wanted to say! It doesn't even matter if it's a complete stranger or my best friend, I STILL screw up ALL THE TIME.
What do I do???