Context: Around a month ago I made a group chat of 14 friends and then left it to kind of be like “haha hey surprise me”. I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time but if it was and my friends told me I would have definitely stepped in and taken planning responsibilities.
Anyway my (22f) best friend of 4 years (21f) and my boyfriend planned it, mostly my best friend by choosing a picnic and the day, time, and ordering a cake for me. However, on the day of, plenty of people canceled and I think it made her upset because she mentioned how people had either only told her they weren’t coming last minute or just didn’t show up. She was pretty mean throughout the entire afternoon, making sharp comments targeted towards my boyfriend and me later on. For example, she wanted to go on a holiday with me and some friends but I told her I wouldn’t be able to afford it. She brought it up a couple of times today and asked why my partner didn’t pay for it, half jokingly perhaps, and I said that he did offer but of course I wouldn’t take him up on it. Then she made jokes about how I’ve been playing a video game and how it’s such a waste of time; that if I had the time to play it I had time to get a part time job and work instead (I’m currently studying an intensive course). Later on when my partner asked if I’d like to go somewhere later in the year, she went “with what money?”
It kind of got a bit awkward because she was getting really upset about me not getting tickets to a concert later and I own up to being shitty in this instance. She emphasised that she told me multiple times (“this is the tenth fucking time I’ve told you about tickets”) and I offered to get them now, but she said it wasn’t about that because they could have been sold out. The reason I didn’t get them despite being reminded on Thursday is because she messaged and told me her favorite DJ had canceled, others would play, and she wasn’t sure if she should refund them or not. Hence why I asked if she still wanted to go.
At the end of the afternoon she got upset and called me a bad friend (we as the picnic group are still together but they have bunched off next to us confused) and said that she had been feeling neglected. I countered with asking how, because I saw her twice this week, during this party and on my actual birthday, and twice last week, once with my boyfriend together and another time by myself. She said it didn’t count because she has felt this the entire year and she rather spend time with me without my boyfriend, but I said I had been making an effort to do that. Additionally, she travels between her home country and this country often; I mentioned this and said our schedules don’t match up because when she is back I have other things planned already. She then said it was an excuse as she also had a life and is busy; although I personally believe this isn’t fair because while I am studying right now she isn’t at the moment. I said I had exams this week and she said “I bet you didn’t even study [that day]” (she asked to see me in the morning of that day and I said I couldn’t bc I had to study). I said this isn’t fair because she flakes the same amount and I don’t get upset when she does (this is objectively true and I wish I had receipts to pull up). She then said that she wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I asked who else did. She said “5 other people”. Guys, I don’t even have 5 people I see consistently to be upset at me like this?? The people at the picnic I love but see when we are available, my best friend is the only one who I try to make consistent plans with. She wouldn’t tell me who but just said that they felt that I was so flaky that they’ve started to not even make an effort to include me to things, that she has defended me in front of them, and that this should make me reflect on how bad I’ve been as a friend.
I was stunned and said I respected how she felt and would make a better effort because I knew I wasn’t getting through to her. We got ready to go, my boyfriend and I left in an Uber which I proceeded to bawl in. My friends (one who was there) affirmed my confirmation bias and told me to take some time before I approach her to talk but I don’t know how to talk to her without potentially being gaslit because we clearly have a codependent friendship that I have basically enabled. Her birthday is also happening soon and this has made me feel even worse. She has not messaged at all.
Tidbit I feel might be relevant but this happened to her on her birthday last year; a friend had basically accused her of being a bad friend for flaking around her birthday and she was upset she would do this to her on her birthday. When processing this I was shocked this has essentially happened to me.
TLDR: best friend planned birthday picnic for me, but was off the whole day and made mean comments to my boyfriend and I, culminating in a disagreement/argument next to my friends and resulting in me crying when I went home. Idk how to talk to her without ruining everything and causing a bigger fight.