Me and my fiancée went on a trip to do some paperwork and we stayed over at his friends house (F20). There was this friend of hers that stayed there (M28) but he was in and out of the house a lot and I thought nothing of him until things escalated..
I'm absolutely gutted and afraid this is how we will break up since we can not reach an agreement.
The first and second evening I felt really left out as my fiancé and his friend (F20) talked until late night and had good laughs. I felt like she intentionally made me excluded out of the conversations but that might've been my insecurity talking. I tried to have a good attitude towards her.
When her male friend (M28) arrives, let's call him Adam, on the third or fourth day, the dynamic changes in the room and I feel that my fiancé acts differently, like he doesn't know what to say but I know that he would absolutely never confess to being insecure or anything. Adam is just really in his head and overall a little disconnected. My fiancé is usually always on top of every conversation and is VERY strong in social settings which I really look up to. I love to listen to him talk and he is super intelligent. He is really charismatic and people really swoon over him. He's not like that at all after Adam comes in. Adam is tall and tattooed, which I mention because height has been a hot topic for my fiancé and I, as my fiancé is as tall as me and I have been the tallest girl he has been with, and I have had some suspicions that he is uncomfortable with it, f.x. when we are in front of a mirror he asks me to stand side by side to him and check who is taller that day, that used to happen multiple times a week until we had some heart-to-heart conversations about it where I expressed that I did not want him to feel uncomfortable.. He never confessed to being insecure of his height though and only explained his need for measuring us side-by-side by saying that he just loves us being the same height and that is the reason why he wouldn´t want me being any taller or shorter than him. I mention Adams tattoos as well – as in the first week of our relationship my fiancé told me that I looked like a druggie with all of my tattoos, which he later on confessed to saying because he was insecure of how I had a lot more tattoos than him and it made him feel bad.
With all honesty did not have ONE thought about Adam. I did not even think he was cute, charming etc. The only thing I thought was positive was his naiveness and ignorance of the real world. He's a past drug addict and has many tattoos and is taller than my bf. He is absolutely not my type at all but would've definitely been a few years back, as I had a thing for tattooed men back then and was a party girl. The only thing I find 'charming' is the fact that he is disconnected from reality, which makes him funny in a good way.
Throughout the week that we stayed there I had an absolutely amazing time with my fiancé and I feel like this trip brought us closer together, (think new experiences, amazingly good talks). I got a little pissed off at living there because I noticed how ignorant the hostess was; finishing my food without asking, (I payed for most of the groceries while living there, so it's not like I was selfish with my food, it just bothered me that she had no problem with using my cosmetics or finishing my Uber Eats). Basically, she really tested my patience while being there.
One of the days when we're out alone, he was really pissed off and angry overall and told me that he was furious at his friend as she initiated with some backhanded jokes that my fiancé might've been jealous when Adam talked to me and was showing me something on his phone. I tried to console him and told him that it was nonsense and we had a good picnic after, had a great time.
A couple of weeks ago I started taking mood stabilisers and some hydroxyzine, as I realised that I was just honestly mentally ill and could not handle my emotions and the medications have been an absolute game changer for me. I ran out of my meds halfway throughout our stay and I tried to buy more in her city but unfortunately they were sold out. I was devastated because I really want to be a stable partner and without my meds I do have a tendency to get extremely emotional. I had a massive breakdown that night, tried to run away from him, I just reached an absolute mental low. I later on thanked him on how he reacted and we eventually had a good comeback. I love him consoling me and he always knows how to approach me during my lows. I am just incredibly thankful for him and often feel guilty as I put that kind of pressure on him.
It's our last evening at our friends house and I'm packing our stuff. The hostess is not there. I notice that a piece of my jewellery is missing which I had put away in a safe place and it turns out that the hostess hid it away in one of her drawers (I'm absolutely sure this was done on purpose because she only hid one piece of jewellery that she specifically commented on and borrowed herself throughout the week, and left the other jewellery untouched at the same place). I was insanely triggered after this and kept saying to my fiancé how unacceptable that was (the hostess was not home) and eventually he got tired of me talking about it since I did not stop rambling and asked me to stop. That's when Adam comes to the apartament and him and my fiancé start talking. I am distracted but and there's one hour until our bus leaves and we have not packed yet.
We're about to leave and I'm looking down at the pile of shoes in the corridor to double check if there are any pairs that we left, and he asks me why I'm acting so weird, which I reply to ''I'm not acting weird''. We say goodbye to Adam and me and my fiancé are running to the Uber which we are taking in order catch our bus, then he asks me why I've been acting so weird around Adam. I reply that I haven't been acting weird but if I was acting weird it was probably because there was a third person with us in the room and I'm generally a shy person and although I can keep my cool in social situations when I have the energy, I am naturally very introverted. I didn't think much of it but then more questions were asked in the Uber and I was honestly taken aback and did not expect this AT ALL. I looked him deeply in the eyes and ensured to answer his questions with empathy, which to some I had no answers to, f.x. Why I have been acting weird around him (I answered this question multiple ways throughout the night, one being that I might've been uncomfortable with there being a third person, the other time I answered that I actually had not been acting that weird, the third time that I might've acted that way because of the power shift in the room(?)) – I just wasn't sure myself but I still hold on to the fact that I believe that ALL of the answers I provided are correct and could cause why I was acting different. I do not remember all of the questions asked but they were all accusations of me acting weird around Adam. Halfway through our Uber trip I say that I felt that he tried to befriend Adam at some point and impress him in some way and he took that really personally and told me to get away from him, lightly pushed me away and said that he did not want to impress him, who am I to think that he would want to impress him, etc.. I got sad/mad and looked out of my window and stopped answering him.
I tried to pick up the conversation a few times but every time he is SO stubborn and is absolutely sure of the fact that I was SO uncomfortable around Adam that I shake uncontrollably when around him (his words). I absolutely know for a fact that I was NOT so uncomfortable around him, and if I was, which I at some point was, It was the same uncomfortableness as I experience with other strangers, just overall intimidation or shyness. My anger built up because he would just absolutely not listen to me and not take in all of my words. I got extremely angry at one point and kicked him out of the seat next to me on the bus and was just absolutely furious. I reacted absolutely out of hand and raised my voice in the bus and just begged him to listen to me as I felt him growing distant and not listening to ANY of my explanations. He then said that I was acting like a cheater and that everyone says that this is classic cheater behaviour. I grew more furious and tried to argue with him, eventually we just sat apart. After a overnight bus trip where I did not sleep due to being anxious, I broke down at the empty parking lot and just sat down in the grass and cried hysterically. I tried to make him leave and go home and told him that I know that I'm acting out of hand, I am just extremely frustrated and emotional and would like to lay in the grass for a bit and cry as I just am completely overwhelmed. He gave me an ultimatum and told me that I had two options: to either stand up and go with him or to stay there on the grass and end the relationship. I told him that I did not want to end the relationship and that I loved him but I wanted to stay because I just couldn't bring myself to stand up right then.
I thought that he would then back off eventually but it has been four days of this conversation which I have tried to start calmly and a couple of them have escalated into me behaving absolutely mental; smashing my head from frustration, hitting myself (I have never hit myself before, my hands and knees are bruised) I feel like I'm just going absolutely crazy as I provide explanations and they're all hit with the answer from him that I'm afraid of having a conversation and that is why Im acting this way, that Im guilty and this is classical cheater behaviour. I have read about it and I see that cheaters often become agressive when caught but I tried to counter-argue his reasoning and explain that I have NEVER been this furious, as I have been accused of cheating and experienced cold, distant and often rude and back-handed behaviour from him for the past four days which I did NOTHING to deserve. He has all the right in the world to be suspicious as has anyone in a relationship, but he absoloutely dismisses everything I have to say about this situation and either doesn´t take my words into consideration or tells me that I answer his questions with questions (I am honestly so dizzy at this point that I can not remember specific questions he has asked me). I told him that I must take a small break from this situation and maybe stay at some family's place as I am acting completely mental and agressive, which I have never done before, and I just cant be in a situation like this and dont want him to be in a room with a person in this mental state, as he uses my every emotional outburst as another proof of me displaying cheater behaviour. He then gave me an ultimatum: I could either stay and talk to him tomorrow evening or go away to a family member and thus end the relationship. I told him it was not fair but I stayed until the next day. It is now the next day and we have tried to pick up the conversation multiple times which have all ended in screaming arguments, which we have NEVER had before.
At one point I said that he might be projecting on me, that perhaps this might be his insecurities speaking, as he mentioned that I might've liked his height or tattoos, and he became furious and called me a gaslighter and full of shit. I apologised since then since it might've not been a good move to use the insecurity-card here and I have been trying to use other terms to find other explanations to resolve this situation, because he is so sure of the fact that my hands were shaking when around him and my whole behaviour changed (which I am absolutely confident that it did not), but I just dont know what else this might be if it is not his projection on this whole situation. I have tried meeting him half way and say that this has partly been my acting weird due to overall social anxiety and partly to his projections of insecurities but he absolutely will not have it and thinks that I try gaslight him while saying that as well as emotionally manipulate him when crying.
(I have not mention my lack of medication to him, as I do not believe it is an excuse, I'm just thinking out loud why I might've had reacted in such an extreme way).
My fiancé knows that I did not cheat on him, as we spent the whole week together, he is accusing me of mental cheating. He has now said multiple times normal for human beings to sometimes have bodily responses when they find someone attractive and that although this has not yet happened to him but implies that he absolutely knows this might be the case here, and just wishes that I would be honest enough with him and at least tell him, and then we could move on from there. I constantly defend myself against this and clearly tell him that I do agree that if we were to find someone attractive, we should be honest with eachother and have a talk but that this is not the case here as I am absolutely not attracted to Adam!
I think that it would be understood and valid of him to end the relationship based on my extreme behaviour when (continuously and without consideration) being falsely accused of cheating since nothing excuses my behaviour. I have been acting absolutely out of hand due to frustration and think this is a valid reason for him to end this relationship, however he still tells me he still does not believe my innocence. I feel like everything I say or do, or do not say or not do he uses as an example of why I act like a typical cheater. I just really don't know what to do at this point.
I would just hate for this beautiful relationship we had to end, and most of all, end because of a cheating allegation, which I seemingly can not argue or explain my way out of. I really love him and this just feels like a total nightmare, I wake up in the morning and the first few seconds feel so blissful before I remember what the situation is.
I wish I could just telepathically show him the inside of my brain so he would not have to worry about the cheating.
What should I do? (I don't think it is a good idea to take a time-out for myself and go to a family member as that would just justify his accusation of me not wanting to resolve this situation because I´m scared of being found guilty)
TL;DR: My fiancé falsely accused me of cheating but I fucked it up by reacting badly and hitting myself.