I started some uni courses in a new city and moved into an apartment complex where I have some roommates who study as well. I was talking to one of my roommates about how everything is going and they started to tell me that they are actually very unhappy with everything, they looked sad and told me it’s not a good time for them. They proceeded to tell me how they were pressured by family and that it was hard seeing everyone succeeding while staying behind. I was very empathetic and told them something like “wow that really sounds pretty rough, it must be very hard feeling like this and feeling like everyone is moving forward” (I was basically just repeating what they just told me in order to show empathy) when all of the the sudden they went pretty serious/grumpy saying something along the lines of “yea well I don’t need your pity actually” which was pretty shocking. I actually forgot what I answered but I didn’t continue talking about it. I wonder now if I crossed a boundary? If I did too much?
Maybe you can help me with some insight. Thanks in advance 🙂
2 comments
Leave it alone. They’ll probably cool down and start talking again. I would not make a big fuss about it. If you want to make things easy get some food or drinks to share. Food usually sorts such things out.
People are going to have their baggage at you sometimes. That’s a key fact to understand.
I’ll bet a big pile of money that, growing up, someone responded to your roommate’s emotional intimacy by telling them that they were self-pitying and weak. Your roommate was fourteen talking about how school was hard or a friend was mean, and someone told them (I’d guess a parent, but who knows) that they are whining, that everyone has a hard time, that they need to quit feeling sorry for themselves and move on.
So here you come into the picture, giving an emotionally healthy response and to them, it feels aggressive because the response they know and understand doesn’t match what you said. They don’t know how to react when someone is kind and understanding about a hard time they are having, they don’t have a model for responding to that. And so, they respond in the way that makes sense, telling you they don’t need your pity because only weak people seek validation and support when they are having a hard time.
See what I mean? People are going to have their trauma at you sometimes. It’s not you, you can’t control it, nor can you anticipate it. The *best* thing you can do is respond with kindness. Tell them it’s not pity, you feel empathy and compassion, but not pity, but say you’re sorry if you upset them. The whole situation for them is something they are going to have to work out themselves or with a therapist, you aren’t going to solve it for them, but you don’t have to feel bad about your kindness. The reality of the situation is way bigger than you, but modeling a kind response is usually a good thing to do for them, even if they can’t hear it right that second.