Let's start with the very first time that we met. We were classmates, and he was on online class during our first year, so I didn't interact with him much. He was also my friend's crush—that gave me enough reasons to not like him. He's a God fearing person, he is wise and smart, he is also good looking. Any girl would want him. During our second year, we got close, but It was only because I started helping my best friend get close with him. Yes, she likes her. Another reason for me to not like him. As our relationship deepened, I called him "Kuya" which is brother in english. Using that nickname helps me stop my feelings more since It looks and sounds very wrong for me to like him. Our relationship is at a point where we're both comfortable hugging each other and other affectionate stuff.
One time, we had a class in health, and I desperately wanted to sleep. I am an honor student, and It was very rare for me to sleep in class. But, our teacher was only playing a short movie, so I thought it was okay. He noticed how tired I was since I told him, and I slept in his hand since we were seat mates. At that time, I didn't think much of it.
Randomly, I play with his hands since I'm a fidgety person, and I love showing my affection through physical touch. He let me do anything and he even plays with my hand whenever I stopped. Again, at this time, I didn't think much of it.
During our practice for our final project to conclude the quarter, I felt extremely guilty because of an issue I got tied in. I was sad and my whole mood was ruined. He was beside me, and suddenly, I got clingy. I rested my head on his shoulders while he played on his phone, he didn't mind and just comforted me. Thinking back what happened, this was so embarrassing of me. Our classmates thought of us as couples jokingly during this.
Going back from P.E class, I vividly remember holding his hands during the walk. Mind you, our school is decent sized, so many students saw us, including our classmates. When we got back to the classroom, I was the one that stopped holding his hands since our classmates teased us. I don't know how I even held his hand at the first place.
Only a few months later that I'd ever think of the idea of liking or having a crush on him. At first, I denied it. I continued denying it. My friends said that he liked me, but I also didn't agree with their delusions. I am not a delusional person, and I will deny until I find a valid point or proof that it's true.
These past few weeks, since our classes are over, I don't see him anymore. My heart and mind has been missing him. I miss him voice, his touch on my hand, his hug, his warmth, his comfort. I miss everything about him. This is the part where I realized I have FALLEN. But, I am so fucked since I have 0 chance at all. Also, I seem to not care much, I just want him to be beside me.
He's a person that does not want to have a crush or like someone. He wants to focus on himself, and his studies. He has some kind of barrier that he's put that makes him attractive for me, because he's so damn unreachable. He is also transferring next year.
What should I do?