Hello people from DOT
My (32m) last two relationships where short and ended in a similar way.
The first was with a 37F from another city on the end of 2020. We were together for 2 months.
The second was with a 38F on January 2022. We were together for 3 months.
On both the woman were initially very attracted to me. They wanted sex every time we meet and they initialized it sometimes. At 1 month we were seeing each other 2\~5 days a week. We talked everyday by text message, They seemed infatuated and to admire me. They thought my quirks were cute.
They said some other good things. The most recent one said after 2 weeks and I quote:
“You are easy to talk to and the conversation is interesting and flows” “you are everything I wanted in a guy” “a gentlemen” “a prince”.
We get exclusive after 2 weeks. I start to believe that I finally found something that can turn into a relationship.
Then, suddenly, a switch flips. They don’t want sex anymore. They seems annoyed by my presence. All my quirks are weird and annoying. Everything I say is wrong. I feel like a creepy undesirable guy.
The first girl was lovely and horny on a Friday while texting. The next day I visited her for the weekend and the switch was flipped.
The second girl the switch flipped one week before a trip together. I questioned her and she gave the excuse that she was on her period. We went on the trip, we had already already paid.
They seems to be fighting against that feeling. Is like, that they still think I’m a good guy, but can’t help what they were feeling. We cuddle and watch TV. We walked on the beach but is not the same as it once was. We have sex, but it’s terrible and looked like a shore for they.
I went on a trip with the second girl. We booked the trip before the switch flip. 7 days on a famous paradise island… very romantic (and expensive). But wasn’t romantic at all… We had sex just twice and was crap. I felt sooooooo shitty! Was like I was trapped with someone that think I was disgusting and annoying.
I questioned her during the trip about the behavior change… she said ‘I don’t know’.
The first girl sent a breakup message after the weekend saying we weren’t compatible.
The second girl f\*cking tried to ghost me after the trip. After saying everything she said at the beginning at the relationship! I send a message in good terms officiating our break up. She apologized for ghosting me up.
The chats that had a constant flow of messages everyday dried up instantly.
I found some posts about ‘the ick’ here on DOT. But they didn’t help much. I don’t think the switch flip was caused by something I did. I was myself on the relationships. They seemed to like it… that suddenly, they don’t.
Woman of DOT, did you even had a situation like that?
Guys of DOT, this had ever happen to you? have you found the cause?
Sorry for grammar mistakes. English is not my first language.
TLDR: Women initially seems very attracted to me in a physical and intellectual way. We seem to be headed to a relationship. Suddenly, a switch flips and they are annoyed by everything I do. They seems to try to fight against this feeling. The relationship ends and we never talk again.
30 comments
Very hard to live such things especially when giving all (trips, time, affection, etc) and finally feelling unwanted/not desired.
It can be a lot of things, but since you had the problem with both the relationships. I can only guess that’s on your side ?
Don’t get me wrong, not blaming you for anything, but i think you should investigate that way.
Maybe too much affection ? Something you do on a daily basis ?
You have a little problem in your self-esteem ? They can get bored after a while if it’s the case.
I can’t really put a finger on it since they’re not sincere with you.
But what i can suggest is that you try to have a discussion with one of them and maybe they open up about the real problem ?
Do you smell bad? They were just in the honeymoon phase then realized they weren’t that into you
It seems you became exclusive pretty quickly so it’s hard to know 2 weeks in if someone is compatible long-term. I don’t think you did anything wrong. It just takes time to see if things will work out or not.
Most dating situations fizzle out first couple months as people start to see if they are a good fit or not so I wouldn’t book an expensive trip or see someone 5 days a week—if you are gonna resent it later. It’s important not to over-invest early on.
Just because something starts off hot and heavy doesn’t mean it’s a good fit.
>They seemed infatuated
>”you are everything I wanted in a guy” “a gentlemen” “a prince”.
This is something to watch out for. I find that when people are extremely effusive early on, they’re generally not someone suited for stable relationships. Personally in my experiences at least, stability is usually found in people who are less intense, more grounded.
If the expense of those trips is even a thought … you shouldn’t be doing that with anyone you’ve know for a couple few weeks… feelings can change drastically and quickly in the beginning… if something like that is a financial stress for you… save it for later where you can enjoy it yourself or with someone you know your going to have a good time with
The only other advice I have to give (and I’m not even sure if it pertains honestly, but I get this vibe from your post,,, that said, I’m not assuming that you’ve handled your relationships the same way your talking here) …… asking for validation outright,, really turns people off .. men and women alike I’ve found..
Edit: a word
I have experienced Ick when on the 3rd date he suddenly became very old fashioned about insisting on paying for everything even after I repeatedly said I wasn’t comfortable with it. I let him know the next day after I thought on it for awhile and decided it was a deal breaker though. I don’t like people paying for me if it isn’t a back and forth situation (you buy movie tickets, I buy snacks). I HATE feeling indebted to people, and everything they say afterwards feels condescending or like they’re hinting at wanting something in return.
Too many times with family, friends,and coworkers that has been the case, so my fear translates to dating. It is really difficult wondering if affection whenI feel I owe someone is genuine or an attempt to be paid back. If someone paid for a trip to an expensive destination, months after starting to date,, any time they tried to be physical I’d feel like I was being treated like a prostitute expected to pay physically for the trip.
I also feel insignificant and financially unequal when people pay all the time. I am a single mother, finances are tight. I feel like crap when people buy or do things for me I’ll never be able to repay. It hurts my self-esteem and in the end I resent the people just trying to be kind for making me feel like crap.
Anyways that’s my take on it from where I am at as a person and my life experiences. Try discussing financial give and take next time. Are they okay with you footing the bill? Do they value not feeling indebted? Is there a dollar limit to gifts or experiences where it crosses the line to too much? Hope it helps.
I’m getting vibes of “too much, too soon”, whether that be actions or your emotional attachment. You booked a 7-day “very romantic(very expensive)” trip on “paradise island” within 3 months of knowing them. That seems unusually quick to me.
You may just be overwhelming them with your intensity which can quickly become unattractive or “creepy” feeling.
It might be a personality trait? I struggle a lot having someone in my life and in my personal space. Sometimes it feels like I have limited free time and they want to monopolise it (I mean fair enough, they have needs).
This sensation is easy to sideline early on in a relationship but I have to keep it in check later on; maybe they are unable or unwilling to?
I had a former boyfriend suddenly “lose feelings” for me 4 months in. Prior to that he’d seemed all in, talking about future plans and being very openly affectionate.
I think sometimes people get ahead of themselves in the early stages of dating. They like what they see of you and get really excited about the possibilities. But then, as you spend time together and maybe hit a few relationship milestones, it suddenly becomes “real” to them. Then they panic and end it.
It’s not necessarily anything you did wrong. Sometimes it just happens.
You’re jumping into things much much too quickly.
i see what’s going on here.
they’re really attracted at first. what you’re probably doing is matching or exceeding that intensity. I’m basing that on the 7 day tropical island vacation with a woman you’ve been seeing a couple months. it’s good that they’re attracted to you at first and it’s good that you are acting attracted back, but you’re freaking them out.
you just need to dial it back. so, for example, instead of an exotic week-long getaway, tell her that when she smiles at you it makes you feel a hundred feet tall, or that when you’re with her the fist in your chest unclenches just a little, or some shit like that. just, you know, make sure it’s true. don’t lie about that stuff. and don’t do it constantly. just something intermittent and independent of how frequently she says or does something that expresses interest.
You know what you’re quirks are. Work on minimizing them if you think they are the problem.
I’m a woman and I’ve personally never experienced “the ick.” I’m aware of it, but I’ve never had it. The times I’ve stopped wanting to be around someone have been because I’ve realized we’re fundamentally incompatible, but not because of some random thing like it seems like the ick is. This might be me personally, but 2-5 days a week together at one month, or exclusivity after two weeks, feels like *a lot.* I’m not placing blame here; it’s just not how I personally work, and I would be wary of people who wanted to move that quickly. Ditto on sex that early, but that may just be me. Who is initiating these exclusivity/relationship talks, and who is driving the degree of time you spend together? What it suggests to me is that your relationships are just burning out—too much, too fast.
If we’re talking 2-3 months rather than 2-3 years I’d say the most likely cause is that both parties in this are looking for novel and exciting which can only be sustained for so long. A person can only be ‘new’ to you for so long.
Another option is that you’re on ‘best behaviour’ for the first month and beyond that more of your true self tends to show up. It’s easy to pretend to be something you’re not for a date, or even a week.. but really hard to keep up for months. Maybe you’re very accommodating in the first month then start to fall into more normal habits, or you’re more argumentative, etc. once you’re over the initial best behaviour phase.
As an aside maybe it’s cultural, or language, but based on the vibes of this post if my sister said she wanted to date a guy like you I’d try to talk her out of it. Maybe your dates are picking up on the same vibes with time?
You are pushing too far too fast with people you don’t know if you are compatible with. When you try to force a relationship with no potential, you will get blowback. Meanwhile it’s clear you are experiencing the blowback too and you are both taking too much ownership of it and not enough. Too much because it’s not really your fault and it’s just that you both aren’t compatible with each other. Not enough because you are looking to the women to not only identify but also articulate to you the reason for the incompatibility. You are equally culpable of pushing too far too fast, and trying to force a connection before basic compatibility is established.
Neediness and clingy. Another example of too much emotional investment wayyyy too soon
The brighter the flame, the faster the burn.
Take it slow. You have the rest of your life.
There are so many ways to read these situation. It’s likely that both you and these women contributed to the eventual break up.
I do wonder if it is to do with your attachment style. To me, you come across as being a little bit anxiously attached, and being very loving with these women. I don’t doubt your feelings for them, you probably did very muchly enjoy their company and wanted to make them happy. However these women sound like dismissive avoidants to me, and they probably became overwhelmed by the sudden rapid intimacy, and tapped out. In a way it’s not necessarily a bad thing, because it showed you that they didn’t want to communicate their boundaries and feelings with you to work things out. But it might also be time to reflect on yourself and how you present yourself. It’s easy to grieve for what could have been, but try to give yourself some grace, learn something about yourself and move on.
It could be so many things. Maybe both of these women are avoidant, for example. I’m weirded out by “the prince” comment, but that might be cultural. Also, this goes somewhat with the avoidant attachment, sometimes people are so traumatized by terrible relationships in the past that they self-sabotage something good. You did nothing wrong, but in the future, slow it down for yourself in however many ways you can.
Sounds to me you’re being too available for them and not developing bonds at a healthy pace. Exclusive in 2 weeks makes no sense because you’d hardly know anyone in that time. So pump the brakes and make sure you keep your life busy with your hobbies and passions so you can’t always be texting all hours of the day .
Love bombing can go from both genders, OP. You might fall easily for those compliments and they know it.
I personally feel like “the ick” or creepy vibes often are instinctual and come at the beginning, unless caused by extreme disgust at some later discovery. I imagine that what you’re dealing with is more annoyance or coldness. Upon looking back, you don’t see any sort of disagreement or negative reaction to something specific you did, or some way you didn’t impress them?
It sounds like others have recommended going slower and giving both of you time to see if you really like each other or not, or are just caught up in excited new relationship energy. I also recommend focusing early in the relationship on developing better communication, so you’ll get more of a hint when someone stops liking you or feels upset in some way, and you feel less blindsided by a “switch flip”.
Yeah. I’ve been there before. He said something really hurtful about a topic I was really sensitive about. I could never look at him the same way again.
Yeah too much too soon. You’re going all in on the relationships right out the gate.
Well personally for me, the last time I was crazy about a guy until he asked me out and got to be his girlfriend was a guy who I didn’t know anything about except he was hot.
But when he first kissed me, my skin crawled and I didn’t know how to explain I no longer wanted to date him.
I also felt we were fundamentally incompatible. I am a free spirit and he was way too conservative.
But usually people who I fell inlove with that form from friendship don’t have this issue.
Huge flags of being in lusssst.
Also, could be they felt this way for a bit and didn’t know how to go about it. This can happen for many reasons.
Taking advantage of your money my man
Bad in bed by the sounds of it and needy, too focused on needing the validation and getting your needs met instead of being in the moment. Also sex is different for women, you have to put a lot of effort in and we need lots of foreplay usually
Don’t go on long trips within the first 6 months. You’re wasting your money on women you don’t really know like that. Be skeptical of women who fall hard quickly. This shows they are taken by their emotions and that can be ANY emotion. Like disgust and anger. If they feel strong quickly expect them to get disinterested quickly. These woman are not emotionally grounded. Guard your own emotions/feelings for the first 6 months. Don’t get too invested until they have proven themselves. Take a casual feeling into dating. You don’t NEED them.
The best would be to just ask them. Just say this is happening and as long as you don’t know what it is you can’t change it.
Just ask them