Brother in Law getting married to a second wife

48 comments

1. Does your religion permit this? Inviting someone else into the marriage with the consent of all parties involved? I’d imagine it is unethical to open up a relationship without having the consent of everyone.

2. [removed]

3. Is is legal to do this where you live? If your sister can get divorced, it seems unlikely that a second marriage would be legal. Your brother in law can continue to be a good father even if he’s not married to your sister.

   You can’t make the decision for your sister. All your family can do is offer support so that she feels secure enough to make the right choice for her and her kids one day.

4. The sake of the children can go a lot of different ways. What kind of relationship does she want to model for them? She’s clearly not ok with this. Does she want that to be the example of marriage the kids see? Being both a child of divorced parents and divorced myself, this argument is peculiar to me because kids benefit from having stable people that love them, not marriage itself.

   I guess advice is if the second marriage hasn’t gone through yet, she needs to sit her DH down and in very clear terms state that she’s not ok with this. Ideally, that should have been done from the get go, but live and learn. If he insists, she can either stay and make her peace with it, knowing she will likely resent him for pushing her into a situation she didn’t want to be in, or she can divorce. Your role as sister is to try to get her talking through her feelings and support her however she needs with whatever decision she makes.

5. My very limited understanding is that he needs to be able to support both wives, so I think the financial piece of her no longer contributing does need to be resolved (along with the emotional and trust pieces, of course). If HE can’t support the family, he cannot grow it.

6. I heard before that the first wife has to agree to a second marriage. Or is that just in theory?

7. Well its on her. He told her he wanted a poly relationship and she didnt take him seriously. She knew what she signed up for. Not much to do. He didnt lie to her. But can she divorce?

8. I have no idea how to answer this. I mean culturally and legally it’s ok there. But he sees his wife’s hurt and all of yours and he’s still just .. “going for it” so to speak. It makes me so sad because I bet your sister can’t just divorce him. I know she doesn’t want to and loves him. But I can’t imagine having to stand by and accept my spouse doing this regardless of my feelings. Heartbreaking.

9. So how does this work logistically? Will they stay in the same house, does he plan on having kids with 2nd wife? I’m curious as to how that will work. Does he have enough $ for that?

10. SA,

    The second marriage is to take place next month, right?

    How did he meet the second wife? What is her age compared to your sister?

    Did your sister have a marriage contract indicating monogamy only?

    I think your sister should give it a try, but make sure he pays all the bills and let him support both households without using her money.

    If she can’t bear it, then divorce.

11. The idea of a second marriage has already created havoc. Think about the situation when your brother in law will actually get married again. The life of your sister will become hell. Just for the sake of her children she shouldn’t ruin her own happiness and mental peace. She should divorce her in my opinion. Living alone is far better than this.

12. Is your sister also Muslim?

13. I feel like he is throwing a good relationship away.

14. Do correct me if I am wrong, I am not Muslim or of any Muslim culture, I’ve only heard this from practicing Muslim women:

    Isn’t it against Islam for a husband to take on a second wife without the explicit consent of the first wife? I know culturally, they are more/less strict on the rules of the Qur’an in different regions, but strictly from the rules of the Qur’an, I understand it to be grounds for a divorce, and that the husband who goes against his wife’s wishes is very much breaking part of the Holy matrimony. If this is true, and the Holy text states that, can she not fight against his second marriage with help from a powerful religious leader within your religion?

15. Not sure about this post. I think mistakes were made on both sides. Your brother in law is clearly delusional about what it means to be married but your sister allowed this delusion to persist by not making this clear for the last 10 years that this was a no go criteria. This is especially bad since Muslim culture does allow it. Your sister should make it very clear what she will do if he does this but apologize for not telling him her true feeling for the last 10 years on this matter.

    ” I am sorry I let you think this was ok or it wouldn’t bother me but I can’t deal with or tolerate this choice”

    Edit: It’s clear you love your sister, your brother in law might be shit but this is not a betrayal. You need to advise your sister to talk through with her husband. This was something he was planning, she knew he was planning and assumed he wouldn’t do.

    Also will she get full support since she is the one leaving and he is not breaking any law or agreement between them? Doesn’t he potentially get the kids in Islam since they belong to the father…as far as my understanding goes?

    Make sure you are giving her sound advice not emotional advice when it comes to divorce. It’s never as simple as it seems from the outside.

16. I’m a Muslim woman and this isn’t how our culture works at all. From your post here, your previous posts indicates this is a conjured post for popular responses. We are allowed to have more than one husband same as the man depending on criteria and circumstances here.

17. I’m a muslim some where in South east Asia. Like other muslim countries, polygamy is permissible here (but i personally hate it because i came from a polygamous family, it was a disaster, traumatic and heartbreaking 10/10 wont recommend. i basically grew up fatherless eventho my parents are not divorced. i don’t see anything beneficial from this. only for the man i guess cause he gets extra p*ssy. dang i still hate him till this day)

    In my country it is a must that the man can afford to support them; physically, emotionally and financially. if he can’t afford one of it the wife may proceed for divorce /fasakh in court.

    as for your sister situation, this is clearly a betrayal. declared or not on whether the wife would be ok if the husband decide to marry another woman, what on earth is going on through the man’s head?? giving your most intimate self to other women? i couldn’t imagine the heartbreak your sis had to go through.

    and as for her children, it will be a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy tough journey. regardless whether your sister stay or leave the marriage, the kids will continue hating their father. they also felt betrayed. not just your sister. why? because the father choose to find another family than them. who tf likes sharing?

    if your sister is paying for the family expenses all this while, if she choose to get divorce, she’ll be fine without him, it can be a little lonely at first but it is far more better than the lifelong heartbreak that she has to swallow (if she choose to stay) the fact that your husband just home from another woman’s house and now he’s here to see you. disgusting behavior.

    you can advice your sister and her husband to co parent their kids. works way better. less drama if they are separated. both can continue with their own life. i believe your sis is a successful career woman and can thrive even more.

    p/s: i bet all hell would break loose if women were given the power to polygamy instead of men. heh!

18. She needs to pull out financially ASAP
    Her husband might have thought it’s ok to have 2 wives bc HE can financially ‘support’ them, but that’s not what I see here

    As I see it, she needs to let him provide for her fully (as islam prescribes) and let him know she’s not ok with it and divorce is on the table here

    She also needs to make her decision with time bc it sounds like it might be v tough for her to return to her marriage and look at it the same way again, so drove might be inevitable for her anyways

19. Have faith in Allah and see if he upholds both his wives rights!

20. Its his right in Islam and if he chose to marry. Don’t gather sin by making disgusting comments.

21. Divorced Muslim here. You know that in Islam second marriage is acceptable only in certain cases and only if you promise to provide for both the wives equally, promise to love them equally and never see one above the other. The most important being he MUST take permission from his first wife to marry the second.

    So the balls in her court now. She can chose to divorce him and he is legally obliged to pay for their children and spousal support. Ask your sister to ask him for a divorce. It will hit him and may be he might mend his ways. Beat of luck

22. So my friend said some Muslim men can have 4 wives. Due to the fact the first wife is in charge of the other wives. If she doesn’t agree with who he is marrying he has to respect that and not marry another. Once married the first wife has control over the other women and how they live. Maybe that’s not for every Muslim man. I did tell him that it is one religion that obviously was made by men and benefits men only. We respect each others options. Good luck to your sister. Honestly it should have been discussed before they got married.

23. Not Muslim so I may be missing cultural components here but here’s my take on the situation:

    >My sister doesn’t want to divorce just for the sake of the children and that he’s actually a good father

    He would still be a good father regardless of they were together or not. The issue is he’s being a crappy spouse. From my understanding having Muslim friends, your religion requires husband’s to support their wife emotionally, physically, and financially. He’s clearly failing on the emotional aspect, is he keeping up with the other 2? If not then he is. It prepared for another wife by his own religious standards.

    I believe you mentioned in a comment that he lives in Dubai. I have friends that live there and from my understanding that regardless of the above he will still be able to take a second wife because of the local culture. I do think it’s despicable of him to do that without her consent and without fulfilling all his religious obligations.

    A very very good family friend of my dad’s (they grew up together) did this to his first wife. He went away on vacation and came home with the new wife. I’m happy to say that she tossed him out immediately and she is happily divorced now.

24. Has your sister had a candid conversation with her husband about her concerns? You mention “he used to always mention that he will marry” and “she wasn’t dramatic about it” which sounds like:

    1) He has made his intentions clear from the beginning
    2) She has never truly expressed the degree to which this adversely affects her

    It’s not fair to hold him to a standard that was never expressed. I am not familiar with Muslim marriages but if polygamy is common in his culture then he might genuinely not understand how this impacts your sister. I hope your sister can feel empowered enough to at the very least voice her concerns. If the outcome is not acceptable for her then only she can decide what she wants to do next. All you can do is help support your sister through these challenging times. Wishing you all a favorable outcome. Stay strong.

25. I thought if the man could not provide for them equally he could not take a second wife. I believe the intent of the Quran was to show that the man could not love(care) for more than one equally. Yes. I know there is consent with the first wife, but what I know from my uncles is that after he married a younger wife. He had to give to the both the same exact things.

26. My 2 cents:

    1. He told your sister that he was going to do this.
    People should believe when people tell them things.

    2. I feel you sister’s pain, But if it is legal under the religious and legal beliefs of the country you live in what can she do? Nothing. She can only document when he doesn’t treat them equally and fairly and that is taken to the leader of the mosque.

    3. Is she willing to divorce him?

    But again I state that she could have said no the marriage but she l ok cause she loved him.

27. Second wife is not permissible when first wife has not given any permission. This is against Islam. Polygamy doesn’t have to exist now I feel. One wife is sufficient for this life.

    It’s not about capacity or contentment to maintain wives. In old days 4 wives were permitted in order to spread the religion. These days i don’t think it’s the right thing. Already the globe is populated enough.

28. Regaress of him being allowed to marry a second wife he needs to consider his current wife’s feelings on the matter. If she isn’t ok with it than he shouldn’t.

29. Divorce is the solution

    Getting a second wife is unimaginably disrespectful

30. I know this may seem harsh but, he told her more than once that he would marry another wife. So, why is she blindsided?

    I do feel sad for her because I guess it may be making her feel like she’s not enough for him.

    Divorce doesn’t have to be the way. Maybe they need to discuss this with a marriage counselor.

31. Not our culture so our opinions don’t count

32. As a Muslim I know that there should be consent from first wife (in your case it doesn’t seem to be) and if yes then they should be treated equally in all ways going forward. I think you should seek advice from a credible Muslim scholar. Mufti Menk is a good choice to give inputs in this matter.

33. One person cannot just decide they want to be polyamorous it has to be a mutual decision. Can they try couples counselling? If he hears it from a professional maybe he will understand how unreasonable he is being expecting your sister to just agree to sharing him.

34. How does this work in your religion? Would they all live together or separately? If they live separately, would your sister meet his second wife? Does her husband now split finances between two households?

    Please tell your sister that she is in everyone’s thoughts here. This must be devastating. No matter what ethnicity, religion, race, gender, or sexual orientation a person is, a heartbreak hurts us all the same. Although painful, we all get through it with time. If divorce is permissible, I think that is the best choice. Yes, it will cause a lot of pain for a little while, but staying in this situation to keep her husband in her life will be a lifetime of pain and a lost chance at future happiness.

35. My mother, though not Muslim, faced a similar situation as this before I was born. She had three children under five, and one of my siblings was only a year old, when her first husband let her know that he was joining a polygamist cult and was seeking a second wife.

    For a while my mom didn’t know what she would do, but then felt/had a dream where she realized that if she left right then it would be hard for a time, but if she left later it would be even worse not only for her, but for her three children.

    Your sister wants to do what’s best for her children by providing them a stable and happy two-parent home. Unfortunately, her husband already has taken that option away from her.

    Now she either stays in a broken home and models a bad adult relationship for her children, or leaves and (in my opinion) models strength and courage for her children.

    I know my siblings were all very grateful that my mother left her first husband. Eventually she met and married my dad, so I wouldn’t even exist if she hadn’t, and my parents had a happy and harmonious relationship for decades until my father’s health declined.

    I’m not sure how re-marriage for women is viewed in your religion and in her country, but even if she stays single, my own inclination is that it’s far better for her children and for your sister to enforce her boundaries, and to model the relationships she would like them to have when they grow up.

36. I have questions.

    Did he talk to her about it, or did he just say he was doing it? I thought polygamy it had to be the right move for the whole family.

    Going hand in hand with that, has she even met this woman? He’s going to feel stupid when his first wife shuts down and isn’t the same if they don’t get along and she feels some sort of way.

    Can he financially support another wife and possible children?

    I understand polygamy, but it has to be an agreed upon thing. If your sister isn’t happy about it, she will either be miserable or she will divorce him.

    The way you stated things, I’m going to say she’s going to end up abandoning the relationship in the long run. Kindness eventually turns to anger when taken advantage of.

37. As a Muslim from my knowledge.. I was taught that the husband needs permission from the first wife to marry a 2nd … cannot do it unless it’s ok between both people. Also the intention/need of marrying another women as a 2nd wife matters as well.. for example : is the 2nd women a widow or orphans who has no means of financial stability for her self or has any support from other family in her life to help… is she medically unable to work/take care of herself and no one else in society/community is willing etc etc
    Can’t just go marry a 2nd wife just cause you feel like it lol.

38. Muslim here. I’d divorce his ass before he has finished mentioning the term “second wife” 😅 Yes it’s painful for the children to live with divorced parents, but it’s worse to live with a miserable, depressed mom.

    Yes, he is allowed to marry more than one wife, provided that he is able to treat them equally, just and fair – financially and emotionally.

    He doesn’t need permission from the first wife to marry a second, so it’s on him to force his way, even if this breaks the heart of his first wife. (Though I dont think that breaking your wife’s heart falls under “treating your wife justly”, but only God can be the judge of that)

    The Quran was revealed in a time of war when many men died in battle and women had to provide for their children all by themselves. By marrying them, the women and children were provided for.
    I don’t see the point in today’s time to marry more than one woman other than sexual desire.

    You could see him marrying a second wife as a better option than cheating behind her back. But again – NEVER in my book. But that’s just my personal opinion.

    May God guide your BIL to do the right thing, without breaking his family and the heart of his wife.

39. Yoh cannot be a good father *without* being a good husband, in my opinion.

    She should leave. He doesn’t respect her, and religion aside, he doesn’t seem to respect the marriage.

40. Her children wouldn’t want to see their mother being miserable with their father right?

    Divorce is the solution

41. I also want to examine the notion that he is a good father. It sounds like he is putting his needs (wanting a second wife) above those of his current family. Most kids aren’t okay with their dad being with another person besides mom if that’s what they’ve grown up with for years.

42. If she Knew it’s a common practice in his religious and or cultural background to take a second wife and If he told her this from the beginning, it’s on her. Sounds like she knew it was a possibility but was hoping it wouldn’t happen.

    But..if he told her this after they got married, then that’s a different story all together because then it’s deceitful hurtful. One could say she entered into marriage under false pretenses that he misrepresented himself as wanting a monogamous marriage.

    Sounds like her only options are accept it or get an annulment/divorce because he’s not satisfied with just her. It sucks and I sympathize with her pain but she can’t force him to love her how she want him to love her.

    I wish her the best.

43. Not much you or anyone can do. Many religions heavily favour men and Islam is a prime example.

44. My advice? Divorce him. Regardless of where they live and what religion they are? No woman needs to put up with being treated like trash from a man. It’s 2022, not 1932.
    He is disrespecting her and treating her like a 2nd class human.
    He can get stuffed!

45. So… She is supporting him financially? According to law it’s him who should be able to support oth wives right? He can’t… Maybe she should look into getting a second husband! Not a wife!

46. >He used to always mention that he’ll marry but she didn’t think he’ll actually do it

    This was her mistake right here. He flat out told her who he is and she ignored him. You don’t marry people expecting they’ll change or change their minds.

    That being said, there isn’t much she can do other than get a divorce.

47. just curious, does the 2nd marriage thing ever work out?

48. Divorce doesn’t mean he stops being their father. I would not want to raise my children thinning that mistreatment of other people is okay because they see their father doing it to me. She deserves to be happy.

    Edit: Apparently he can’t even support himself?? She needs to file for divorce yesterday.