I need some advice. I come from a dysfunctional family and I’ve had set some boundaries in place to help me. My experiences were traumatic with the biggest hit being to my general confidence and being a people pleaser when I was younger. I spent quite some time in therapy in my 20s unpacking this and learning positive self-talk and how to set boundaries for myself. My therapist and people who know me well think I'm well adjusted despite my background. My therapist even said someone with my background would typically be afraid to seek out serious relationships or would have issues being independent. I'm financially independent, a careful planner, paid my way through school, and have a solid group of compassionate and considerate friends. I want to emphasize the last part since I befriend people who are emotionally mature which isn't what I experienced when I was younger. Still, in my early 30s, my biggest fear when talking to anyone who I’m seriously interested in is about my family.
I didn’t start seriously dating until I was well into therapy in my mid-twenties and once I had an established job. I tend to be attracted to people who come from stable households, who are more or less emotionally mature, and who are seeking relationships. Online and offline, but mostly offline from people I've met before. I only date to be in committed relationships. I do want have a family, but also not re-live the situation I experienced growing up. I’m turned off by people who resemble anything close to what I experienced growing up. When I spend time with a friends family, I'll often find myself feeling amazed and wishing I could have had a nurturing and supportive family growing up.
Once time when I was in my twenties, I dated someone who grew up in a stable household. At first, I pretended that I was someone who was close to my family and then when I revealed that I wasn’t without explaining why, she was turned off. In the moment, I didn’t know how to explain myself without making it seem as if I was making excuses or digging myself deeper into a hole by explaining that my experiences growing up were unlike hers.
Since then, it’s been something that’s on my mind. I become discouraged when I read people here who say it’s a red flag if they’re not close to their family or it means they're not family oriented. I’m dating someone new and I know sooner or later it’s going to come up. Before going out separate ways for the holidays, we talked about seeing our families. Without knowing, she wished me to have a great time with my family which made me feel a sense of dread and prompted me to write this. We can't choose the family we were born in, but I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding which is what I’m feeling right now.
Any advice or sentence stems would be appreciated. Or just encouragement. Thank you.