UPDATE: thanks everyone. Seems to vary in experiences and answers so Ima trust my gut for once and not even bother as I see no real benefit in it for me since I’m content on my own.
Man things have changed since I was last dating. I’m so confused with all the terms on apps now and what people want.
Scenario: guy from OLD who’s been talking to me for weeks really wants to meet me but i’m hesitant because he’s newly separated/divorced. Hasn’t dated anyone since. He says he’s looking to casually date and whatever happens, happens. He says it might include having sex and sleepovers but won’t include meeting friends or parents or talking/seeing each other everyday. I told him so he’s looking for a FWB then. He said no, because the idea is to go out in public, date, travel, do things together and maybe be exclusive to sleeping with each other but no expectations.
I fully get being friends or casually dating first before getting into a relationship. But i’m also independent and don’t need to coddle my partner 24/7 to be in a relationship. What he’s describing sounds no strings attached, best of a relationship but don’t expect any emotional or other support (like say my car breaks down and I need a ride) when needed. It sounds totally one sided especially if I want more than just occasional sex and a movie on HIS schedule. Am I correct?
32 comments
It is one sided if it’s not what you want. Do you want a no strings attached good time? Then it’s mutual. Some people want this, I’ve learned. If not then don’t go out with him.
I agree with you. It sounds like he wants the fun parts of a relationship with no responsibility or obligation to you, & the freedom to do whatever he pleases.
I don’t date people right out of divorces. Having been divorced myself, I know it can take years to recover from such an event. So, I don’t throw myself into their mess willingly.
The fact that he’s outlined what your relationship will or will not contain before meeting you feels like a red flag. It’s very presumptuous of him to think that you’d just go along with this or that you’d want it.
This is one hundred percent the equivalent of FWB. He’s trying to bingo you to accept the “dating” on his term. He will never give you commitment. Move on.
Whether he means no strings attached, fwb, or not is irrelevant. He’s at least being upfront that casual to him means he will not be giving you emotional needs or likely do anything if it doesn’t benefit him in some way.
Him wanting a fuck buddy to bring along on trips or dates doesn’t mean he is looking to care for you specifically. He just wants to fill that hole of girlfriend at his side without actually having to commit to it.
As long as he’s being upfront you know what you’re getting in to.
I do not recommend getting into this type of casual dating, you are getting the girlfriend experience without the attachment, and you will likely catch feelings.
Sounds like he wants an on demand girlfriend when it suits him.
YOU are in charge. YOU get to define the parameters of what you need, and how you expect your needs to be met. There’s a whole new rainbow of terms and acronyms and situations which all boil down to the same thing: a) casual/non-sexual dating, b) building towards a relationship, c) banging without guilt or expectations, d) full blown committed relationship and all that entails.
Put whatever labels you want on it, define it however you’d like, just be sure to talk it out…over and over and over. Don’t let his expectations override yours. Don’t say or do anything you don’t want to. Work on yourself first, be prepared, be brave.
To me this is worse than FWB. You give your sex AND your free time to him with no commitment offered in return. This one goes in the “single for a reason” pile 🤷♀️
This guy sounds like he wants a low effort, no strings attached thing being that he probably wants to play the field after his divorce.
I would not get involved unless you are truly okay with this. It’s okay to want more than what this person is able to give.
It really seems to me that the people who want to “see where things go” always end up being the people who are the most wounded, they have the most expectations, have the most walls, and have the most boundaries.
This specific person sounds like he is hoping you have none of the above and will be okay with him calling the shots, him deciding when you see each other, him deciding what is enough. You’re feelings and thoughts won’t be considered here.
Does that sound fun to you?
I guarantee you can find something casual or FWB with someone who is more ethical about it.
And if you’re looking for a LTR, I’d run for the hills.
He’s already saying “my way or the highway”. So listen.
This guy doesn’t really understand what casual dating means. But then, you’re conflating casual dating with FWB. There is a difference. To my understanding:
FWB: you meet up for sex. you have good sex. your relationship does not exist outside of sex. you’d be friendly if you met each other on the street, and maybe they’d come pick you up if you were stranded on the side of the road, but you don’t go to dinner and a movie, you don’t meet each other’s friends/family, you aren’t each other’s emotional support. just sex. (there was actually a decent sex in the city episode about this. i think Carrie tried to change her FWB into a boyfriend and it didn’t work?)
Casual dating: you go out to dinner or a movie, you have fun. maybe you meet some friends. you can be exclusive, you can have sex. there’s some emotional bonding and you should feel like you can rely on them in a pinch. However, when casually dating, you’re doing it to have fun, to have a +1, not with the aim to get married and start a family. This is fine. People want people to do things with. There are plenty of people out there that you’ll love doing things with but that you don’t want to marry and spend the rest of your life connected to. Not everyone dates with the aim of finding a life partner.
This guy wants the girlfriend experience without the “drama”. He is lonely. He wants to do things with another person, but doesn’t want that person to think this will automatically lead to anything serious because he just got out of a relationship. He’s not approaching this entirely correct, but he’s also not entirely wrong. It’s fine if that’s not what you’re looking for.
I hate people like this.
They want YOUR time, energy, emotional support, and sex.
And they don’t want to give you any of that other than sex.
And they **really think that’s okay.**
Really not hard to understand why he’s divorced.
P.S. This IS NOT FWB. He’s not offering to be *your friend,* he’s asking you to be *an oncall escort.*
It is best not to date newly divorced people. A year after is fine. Not all but some of them is hookup hungry people. Nothing but hookup. What he saying is a trick to get what he wants from you. And you are totally correct!
The terms “casual dating” and “friends with benefits” can both vary in definition from person to person. The important thing here is not finding the correct label for this, but to determine if the type of relationship dynamic he is asking for is one that you are looking for.
If you’re looking for something serious then move on. No need to waste energy trying to determine if he wants fwb or casual dating.
I’d nope the hell out of that. You’ve understood correctly, he will never give you what you want. Move on
So basically he’s looking to use someone for sex and entertainment, at his convenience.
He wants the girlfriend experience without the “responsibility” of a girlfriend. That would be a no from me but everyone is different. At least he’s specific about what he’s looking for and that’s probably a good situation for him right now add he transitions from married to single.
IMO casual dating is more that FWB but less than a serious LTR. FWB to me implies no strings attached and no reason to be exclusive.
No strings attached for someone who just came out of a relationship is dangerous to everyone involved. You may start with “no strings” but someone else might start tying some to you.
Guys doesn’t know what they want but I can tell they don’t want to be alone, they need sex and options for doing it. I had a fwb that gaves me mixed signals and I swear I just wanted to fk.
No, casual dating to me is a step below fwb. A fwb we’d talk between seeing each other and probably be way more comfortable with each other
It sounds like a situation I was in: it’s casual, but only for _him_. You might also have fun and find out he also expects your emotional support, probably about his divorce
Casual means light and fun. It should also be equitable, like all relationships should be
Doesn’t really matter. He can want what he wants. You should consider what you want and proceed accordingly, in this case likely declining meeting up. If you’re serious about finding a long term partner, it’s not in your best interests to waste time on men like this.
Sounds like he’s looking for a side piece. He wants to DATE you, but not tell anyone he is. Suspicious as all get out.
I wouldn’t accept a “dating” situation like that. If you want to casually date, that’s fine, but for me, there would be no overnights or sex happening, there would be no exclusivity happening when it’s not even an actual relationship. Because that sounds like a relationship, but without the title. I get he’s newly divorced and probably not ready to take that jump, but then maybe he shouldn’t be dating and focused on getting over that instead of trying to have a situation ship with someone. If you don’t want this fake committed relationship, don’t accept it. Find someone who is actually headed somewhere serious with you. I can tell by what he wants, he wants you to replace what he lost so he can feel okay. When he’s really ready to move on, he can do so freely because you two were never together, but you have wasted however many months or years on this thing that was never going to be anything. He wants the good bits without the emotional support he should provide. Not ideal unless that’s what you truly want.
Why would you bother? He has too many rules, there’s no meeting friends family, what a tool, if you don’t have spontaneity you’ve got a big old boring nothing! Sounds to me that he’s lying, he’s probably still married, so you can’t meet anyone, they’ll surely tell the wife… don’t bother with this Bozo, relationship or even friendships don’t come with rules…
dude just wants sex lol
I was messaging with a guy for a week or so to ‘feel’ him out – he’s a widower in his late 40s. Due to the 2.5hrs car journey distance, it was not possible to meet regularly. I seek something with potential, for something serious and long-term. He stated all he wanted was emotional support, connection, a bond, regular sex and companionship but didn’t want ‘happily ever after,’ as he still missed his wife who had died 15 years? prior. He also wanted the option to end it when he chose. He’d been ‘single’ 3 years having had this arrangement with another woman. She had finished with him when she sat him down to tell him she had met and was seeing someone else, properly. He bizarrely took it that she’d been having an affair and he took it badly!! He wanted everything on his terms and didn’t like a woman doing right by herself. He wanted to meet-up for a weekend of sex with me, to maybe see how we got on, and to maybe potentially meet again under the same circumstances, to see what could be. I refused to meet him and get involved in that kind of nonsense.
Honestly, I’m a woman and this is EXACTLY what I want: a honeymoon with no obligation to move in together.
I think a lot of guys consider “FWB” as a hookup partner and they don’t work on the actual friendship part. I would want someone who still goes out hiking and dancing with me. What I DON’T want is another argument over the fucking dishwasher.
I don’t think divorced people should jump into long term relationships immediately. It takes time to explore what relationship dynamics work for them and how to be happy alone. Casually dating/FWB relationships seem ideal for that.
Run girl. In my opinion, casual dating and FWB sounds the same to me. “Whatever happens, happens,” those guys will waste your time and drain you completely.
Sounds like “I only want you to myself, but I’m still going to date other woman while talking to you, so you can’t be available to anybody else but me”. I call red flag. 🚩
Sounds like girlfriend without benefits…
Aka make me feel special and not lonely and entertain me and satisfy me sexually, but, like, I don’t owe you ANYTHING.