We were engaged (he proposed after 12 months of being together, we broke up at the 15 month mark) but he just wouldn't stop telling little lies. Since day one. He would even swear on my life, his life, his parent's life, our future unborn children's life, the Bible, and Jesus. He claimed to be a very Christian man. He kept making promises that he would stop but never did. I would cry over it but it still continued. Manipulation, gaslighting, lying.
He also would talk about me to others and his mother often. His mother seemed to have a hatred towards me it seemed. A year ago, he was caught talking about me to her and he was twisting the entire truth and making me look absolutely awful. While he would smile in my face and act all happy. Then HE had me apologize to him for being hurt about it. He just always played the victim and he would also say it was my fault he lied to me. Who knew what was real? He was a liar who wore a mask. After all, his greatest fear was people thinking he wasn't a good man. Keyword THINKING.
I don't even think the hobbies he has were true because he seemed to have mirrored me and love bombed me. Told me he was designing an engagement ring two months after we meet. Moved in early too. He also told me his ex was crazy and abusive but now I know he is painting me the same picture he painted her. During arguments, he would scream at me right in my face, grab my arm, sometimes even corner me in the bathroom so I couldn't leave.
He moved out when I was at work after he was caught in more lies the night prior. I came home from work expecting to talk but he was just gone. He just ghosted me and never said a word, moved across the country back to his Mom's. He talked to her the night prior so I'm sure she told him to leave me because I was "evil." He just discarded me like I was nothing. I cried and begged for him to return home but nothing. Again, I apologized even though he was the one who hurt me. This was two months ago.
He wouldn't contact me so when I changed the locks and he came back weeks later for his things, he couldn't get in. So I eventually got rid of all of it. I feel a bit bad about that but he refused to communicate. We are completely over, I know this. I am over him fully. Sometimes I just have these sad thoughts still. Regret, guilt, etc.
I really tried to be a good woman for him. I used to wake up two hours before I had to before my work shift so I could make him breakfast, coffee, and lunch for his workday. I cleaned. I cooked. Intimacy was available 24/7 for him. I listened to his day. Sometimes I would "nag" but it was mostly because of his inconsistencies or his lies (which always caused issues for weeks after).
But other than that, our relationship seemed so perfect. He seemed like he would have done anything for me. I was happy besides those things I mentioned. He took me to Florida for my birthday. He would buy me a bouquet of flowers every week. He'd do random things to make me smile. We had so much fun and so many romantic moments even just cooking together at home. Sometimes I regret ending things because I get lost thinking of all the good times. I am working on my low self-esteem that allowed this to happen and that made me stay longer than I should have. But sometimes I just have regret that maybe it was me who ruined the relationship. I am in therapy now because of it.
TL;DR Sometimes I have regret about my engagement breaking up. Sometimes I feel like it was all my fault and that I messed it up. How do I keep my head clear about this and remember the truth?