So my (20F) boyfriend (20M)’s birthday falls really close to our first anniversary, so I figured I’d give him two pretty nice gifts to celebrate both. I chose a nice pair of crocs because he needed a slip on shoe (this costed around $45) and the bigger gift was a pair of New Balance 2002Rs, which he directly asked me for which costed I think $150. So, all in all I spent about $100 on both occasions. He was aware of this price.
To give context, I am a part time waitress and he’s a full time electrician (apprentice). I make an average hourly of $15 and he makes a set salary which amounts to about $23 per hour. So it can be established that he makes more than me. He lives with his grandparents and does not pay rent while I live on a family property and pay $600 per month. This is important information.
Now to tell you what I asked for. I asked for $70 to spend on video games and then a $30 perfume. I didn’t want the total to be over $100 to make it even. A few weeks after, he informed me that he wouldn’t be getting me what I asked for (even though I had already bought him what he asked for) and told me he instead found the “perfect” gift instead. The words “funny” and “custom” were used to describe. I’m the type of person who hates surprises, and I told him this. Also I like when things are planned out and I’m aware of everything I can expect. So, he makes me wait a few weeks for the “big reveal” and I finally got it tonight. Drumroll please… He got me a custom necklace (valued at probably $10-15) that is a cursive writing of the word “Yapper”… as in someone who “yaps”. In other words a yapper is someone who talks too much in the same way a little dog would go “yap yap yap”… oh.
Basically, I was taught by my family members from a young age that you shouldn’t complain about something that was free to you, (for example, strange food at a friend’s house or an unwanted gift). I was so in shock by the gift that I did my rehearsed “Wow!” and smiled. But I was very hurt on the inside that I dished out money on him and he couldn’t even put a nice word on a cheap necklace. Like we’ve spent a whole year together and he couldn’t think of any other word to describe me than a literal synonym for annoying.
I don’t know if this piece of information covers his ass a little bit, but we spend a lot of time around his little brother (18M) and like to mess with him by calling each other super cringey pet names. “Pookie bear”, “Stinker”, and “Puppy” are ones that are often thrown around. Basically, any stupid and uncomfortable pet name has been used at least once. We are aware of this and really only do it ironically. It would never come up in a serious sense or really in any other context than as an obvious joke. I really don’t know how he expects me to leave the house in this necklace, and I know for a fact that he wants me to wear it because he literally told me “I got it in silver because I know you would never wear gold”. I was expecting him to stop pulling my leg and show me the real gift, but no. That’s literally it.
So… needless to say this is literally the worst, most tacky, most offensive gift I’ve ever been given. But I’m really not sure how to express how genuinely awful it made me feel that he would reciprocate the gift that I worked for hours and days to afford with something like this.
TL;DR
I spent about $100 dollars on my boyfriend’s 1 year anniversary gift and he reciprocated with a $15 necklace that reads “𝔂𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓻”. He makes more than me and knew how much I was spending before he chose my gift. I find the word on the necklace offensive because a yapper means someone who talks too much. How do I tell him in a nice way that his gift sucks?
EDIT:
So, a lovely commenter pointed my attention to a podcast called “Dropouts” where a guy (maybe the host of the show?) gifts his girlfriend a “Yapper” necklace. She loved it and was gushing all over it saying how considerate it was that he chose silver because she never wears gold… if that sounds familiar, it was the same line he used for me. I want to also add that we are not in any way a fan of this show, so it wouldn’t serve as a funny reference because I’m only now hearing about it. My head hurts.
40 comments
Uh, are you sure he likes you??
My wife makes me give her a list of gifts for Christmas, and a get nothing other than a gift card for my birthday.
I’d prefer a handmade or unique gift even if it wasn’t perfect.
I really don’t have much advice, except maybe thank him for the gift and then communicate that you just like planned gifts?
Are you sure he spent so little on it? Custom jewelry is usually up there in price unless it’s made from brass and rhinestones
I don’t think there’s a “nice” way to tell him that “his gift sucks.” He obviously didn’t put much thought into it. Rather than tell him, show him ; next year, don’t get him anything or get him an equally tacky, cheap $15 gift that you know he won’t really appreciate. Meanwhile, don’t wear the necklace, especially not in his presence.
There are two issues here: the concept of spending equal amounts and the stupid irritating necklace.May I suggest you let go of concept # 1 – dont feel you have-to gift him equally; you are providing so much- friendship, entertainment, your home etc. As a woman you have to learn to be appreciated, you two are not equal, you are e more. Secondly, that necklace… try to ignore it, put it in your bottom drawer and when he asks, tell the truth: it is not complimentary at all, why should I wear it? I mean how dense can he be? this is basic – if he doesn’t get that, you are looking at a life of misery with him, something essential is missing.
He is 20yo, still half baked maturity level so he may not get “it” yet and thought he was being sincere.
I highly suggest showing him things you like and don’t like and if worst comes to worst tell him what you want. Marketing will tell him you want 18k gold, 2 karat diamonds and anything less is an insult.
Don’t assume because you found a similar item he paid that and he may have been ripped off believing he was buying you something nice.
As far as telling him, be gentle and if you can bring yourself to do it, wear it but tell him your preference for a necklace is XYZ.
Red flag. Red flag. Run from this woman
When he asks why you aren’t wearing it, be honest. “Bf, I appreciate the fact that you got me a gift, but I find yapper to be insulting. Do we have the same definition of this word? Why did you feel it would be appropriate for me to wear a word that wasn’t flattering to me?” And then listen to his response. Is he defense? Does he actually think that you are yappy? If so, these are indicators that he may not be the guy for you. I personally find nothing wrong with stating what gifts you actually would like. My partner and I have been together for over 20 years, and we have specific likes and hobbies. Life’s too short to keep a pile of stuff you never wanted or will never use.
You are right that it is poor manners to not show gratitude for a gift, but that’s life advice for dealing with friends and acquaintances, not life partners. Obviously you ask a prospective life partner more probing questions, because they are possibly a life partner whom you have to make life decisions with, not a great-aunt with questionable taste in sweaters. Just lay out what you said here.
Leave the necklace on his bed or nightstand. He will get the message .
Yeesh.
It sounds to me like there is not *zero* chance he sincerely thought you’d find it sweet and funny and special? Like, if so he is a dumbass, but who among us was not a dumbass at twenty, right.
I think you gotta talk to him – ask him what he was thinking, be honest that you really tried to appreciate the thought but you found it really insulting and unfun – and determine your next steps based on how he responds to that. If he’s immediately like “oh no, I’m so sorry, I thought you’d like it, then (imo) give him a chance to do better next time (your birthday, Christmas, v-day). If he’s a jerk about it and whines about you not being grateful for an objectively shitty gift, cut your losses.
If you spend your relationship pricing, tracking and expecting gifts , you miss the entire point of a relationship.
I would start by asking him what he thinks it means.
Ask him why he thought that would be a good one year anniversary gift. Seriously, have him explain it out and see if he realized how fucking cruel this was.
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Weird question but does he happen to watch the Dropouts Podcast? One of the guy hosts gave one of the girls the exact same custom “Yapper” necklace earlier this year and it was well received. Bit of a stretch but I see the clips from it everywhere so maybe he got the idea there?
I got a chuckle at “𝔂𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓻.” Just the font. Well done.
To answer your question, “how do I tell him in a nice way that his gift sucks?”
How about: “hey, I just want to let you know that I’m feeling hurt. I value fairness, kindness, and thoughtfulness, and most of the time, you are those things. That’s why it was such a surprise to get a gift that didn’t reflect that. Can we talk about it?”
I mean, you *could* suck it up, but from one point of view, it’s an opportunity for him to grow, and learn some stuff about you, about relationships, and about communication. Men are typically more than a little behind women in terms of emotional intelligence, and they need all the help they can get. IMO you’re not doing him a long term favor by letting him think this is cool.
In almost every response, you talk about how you hate confrontation and you don’t feel comfortable approaching him about how much you hate that you have to have a hard discussion. I say this gently – you need to get over that. You’re going to have to have hard conversations in your life and no one likes confrontation, but you are almost always going to be your only advocate. He’s your boyfriend. In theory, he’s the one person you should be able to be open with, so he’s a good place to start for standing up for yourself.
If you want, feel free to use this as a script:
Hey BF, I’m grateful that you made the effort to get me a gift that you thought was unique and special. I appreciate that you thought about my preference of silver vs. gold, but could you explain the reasoning behind your choice of the word “Yapper”? My understanding is it means, “someone who talks too much”, and I’m not comfortable wearing this, ever, given that meaning. If you wouldn’t mind, could we go find a nice game to play together and we return the necklace?
Sounds to me like he just outright disrespected and made fun of you all while disguising it as a gift.
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He’s an electrician and he only makes 23/hr? Is he an apprentice or do you live in Florida or something
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I think you’re trying to figure out how to talk about this without being confrontational. And… it *is* a kind of confrontation, because you’re legitimately unhappy, but it’s also a BF it sounds like you’re generally really happy with and like a lot, so you it to be a *good* conversation, not just a fight. Here’s one suggestion:
“Hey, BF, I need to tell you: the necklace you got me? For our anniversary? I don’t get it.”
Basically: start out with the *possibility* that there’s something here that *you* don’t understand. Something *he* was trying to say or express, that didn’t come across.
Now, this is being pretty charitable. You’ve got plenty of good reasons to feel that this is not a thoughtful gift. But coming at this open to the option that you’ve missed something; leading with “**I** don’t understand” rather than “**You** pissed me off” is likely to be a much better start to a conversation.
**The best case scenario** is that this *did* have thought and care behind it, even if it landed poorly. He’ll tell you that, and even though it’s disappointing and mismatched, knowing that it was a misfire rather than lack of effort will be a huge boost to you both.
**The poorer case** is that he’ll go “huh?” and the explanation will be more on the lines of “I thought it was funny” or “I looked for something and this is what I found,” or “I didn’t know what to get you but I saw this really sweet thing on Instagram so I did that.” That’s not great, but hey, some people suck at buying gifts, or even at understanding why and how gifts are nice in a relationship (a lot of people kind of don’t expect significant gifts, and are bewildered at other people wanting them!). From there, you can move onto “I understand if you see this differently, but our one-year anniversary is really important to me, and a gift with thought and value is a way of showing each other how important this is to us. A gift *without* thought or value makes me feel like it’s not important to you.” And that can be a whole conversation, even if you’re coming at this from different places.
**The worst case** is if he’d actually echo the worst implications of the gift — “I got it because you talk all the time,” or maybe “I didn’t even want to buy you a gift at all.” Listen, friend: it can be super scary to open yourself up to a conversation like that. But I have faith in you, and in the nice things you wrote about your BF in the comments. I don’t think that’s what he meant, and I don’t think you’d be a year deep into a relationship with somebody who would mean that. If he *were* that type of asshole, then (a) better to know than to hide from that knowledge, and (b) I bet you would already know by know. So trust that even if the gift was awful, *he* isn’t *that* awful, and this is a conversation you can really and truly have with a person you care about and trust.
Last but not least: I would suggest steering clear of how much things cost, or of you having asked him for specific things. That might come later (for “here’s how to do it next time”), but don’t start out with that. In the comments, you wrote:
> The worst part was, he knew EXACTLY what I wanted and I even sent links for everything
and I get that, but: some people (and definitely some young dudes) really believe in gifts being a surprise, something you *didn’t* ask for, something you didn’t know you wanted. (They are then often very bad at choosing any actual instance of such a thing.) Remember: this isn’t actually about the money, or about whether or not you got something specific that you wanted; and if you put your weight on those, then in a tense situation, that can be misinterpreted — as you wanting Stuff, as you wanting Something Expensive, as you valuing him for How Much Money He Spends On You. None of that is the point for you at all — those are just symbols, indicators, of what *actually* hurts here, which is the sense of him not caring. So set those aside, and when you talk, focus on the real thing.
Hope this helps, OP. All the best!
This is emotional abuse. He didn’t listen to you, assumed that he knew best, and then essentially bought you a gift commemorating this humiliation ritual. (That’s a thing).
This gift is a way to silence you. If it gets to you that he thinks you talk too much, you’ll subconsciously silence yourself. If you are outraged and confront him, he can point to it and say “see I’m right.” It’s a double bind.
I’d take that necklace and make him a bracelet after rearranging the letters to 🍇+y and when he’s offended just tell him he has no sense of humor and that he should thank you for the gift.
I’d like to point out that even if you do not like confrontation, your boyfriend threw a brick and hid his hands. He has already confronted you with this atrocious gift.
You responding to that and telling him that you will not tolerate disrespect under the guise of a “joke” (read about emotional abuse beginning as “jokes”) is not being confrontational. It is defending your heart against an attack. I would dump him, but if this is not the route you would like, you will need to read a lot about setting and most importantly ENFORCING your own boundaries with him.
People have probably already said this, but I’ll say it again. You need to tell him. “Hey, I appreciate the gesture but I don’t like the necklace you got me. Despite your intention, this hurts my feelings because it comes off that I am annoying and I am worth nothing more.”
Once doing so, you need to gauge his response. If he is understanding, then I’d move forward with the relationship. If he gets defensive and tries to say “it’s the thought that counts, you’re being ungrateful” then, it’s time to reconsider your relationship.
People make mistakes but it is how they approach and address these mistakes. If someone truly cares about you, they won’t care about who’s right or wrong, they won’t call you names or manipulate you. They care about you, period.
I agree with people saying you should ask him why he chose yapper and make sure he understands exactly what it means. Is this the first time you’ve gotten gifts for each other? I don’t mean doing something nice for each other, but if you celebrated Christmas together, were those gifts ok? Could he just be really bad at giving gifts? If he didn’t mean to insult you and misunderstood the word, then I’d think maybe he’s just bad at gifts. If he doubles down and thinks it was a great gift and is mad or upset with you over you not liking it, then I’d be very, very upset and questioning the relationship. If he’s just bad at gift giving, hopefully this teaches him that he’s really best off getting you what you ask for or if he wants to surprise you, suggest he enlist the help of someone whose tastes match yours or that you admire.
There as two issues I notice.
This first one may or may not be a popular opinion here but I am not a big fan of tit for tatting when it comes to gifts. You calculated what you spent and not only made sure he was very much aware it, but insisted on something that equaled that price. Where I was raised, we were taught that it was impolite to insist on knowing the price as well as we would rip the prices off so the gift taker would not know. And remember he did not force or insist that you buy these items and spend that kind of money, you did so on your own. And then you asked for what you did to make it even you say. This sounds a lot more like measuring and owing equal than it does gift giving. If I ever had a boyfriend approach me to make sure I knew how much he spent on my gift my first thoughts would be “he’s trying to make me feel indebted or like I owe him the same.” And then if he approached me to say that he picked out certain gifts he priced to make us even I would think “Yep, my suspicion is correct” and then I would probably going on to explain to him how life is too short for me to be going through that I kind of stress every time a gift giving occasion arrives and I would break up. I am a big spender on gift and I don’t ask others spend like me, and I am thrilled when they get me something I love and am all out of fucks or rats asses to give whether or not the item cost he same. I do wonder if he was bothered by this behavior to, that might be why he got you what he did.
The second issue, regardless of why he bought what he did, that was not very nice of him. To deliberately go out of his way to not get even one of the items you asked for, and instead bought you a stupid joke necklace is pretty nasty. For that one, I don’t blame you for being upset. I mean, it wasn’t even a pretty cheap necklace, instead it was a necklace that is embarrassment to wear.
I heard you mentioned you don’t like confrontations, but you can approach him without being combative. You could ask him why he thought you would adore this necklace and in the future, you prefer to do shopping with him if he’s going to buy you jewelry because you know your own taste better than any one. You can also asked him why he decided not to get anything you personally requested. I do wish you luck OP, and hope it all works out.
This isn’t a boyfriend, this is an immature child who thinks insulting girls will make them like him. It doesn’t work that way. You spent significant money you earned to give him exactly what he wanted and he gives you a RUDE gag gift?? He doesn’t respect you at all. He’s the guy what would destroy your wedding dress by tackling you with cake. Don’t let it get to this point. Let boyfriend be a boy and get yourself a man. Happy belated birthday, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
For what it’s worth, I’ve seen “yapper” mostly in a positive context- like, usually it’s “a yapper and a silent person relationship”, where the yapper, sure, talks a lot, but the other person genuinely likes to listen to them. It’s like a puppydog hanging onto every word they say type vibe. So I think that while it’s a shitty gift, I doubt he thought he was getting you an actual insult on a necklace.
Your bf needs to grow up! He’s only 20 though, so there may be some hope.
Go no contact with this idiot and don’t explain anything. If you start to explain, he will make you guilty for not being satisfied. Just no contact and that’s it.
A couple of things:
1. If what’s holding you back here is your family saying you shouldn’t complain about a gift it’s ok to challenge that and decide what your own values are.
2. In this context I’d differentiate between complaining about a gift and communicating with your boyfriend about something that upset you. Communicating can be hard and painful but it will help you understand each other better and help figure out whether it’s the right relationship for you.
Honey. This man doesn’t even like you, deep down.
You know it.
Return the gifts you got him. This is an unacceptable dynamic.
“I was so in shock by the gift that I did my rehearsed “Wow!” and smiled.”
Have you considered therapy? Because you’re in for a life of getting fucked over if you don’t break this habit. As someone else here said, we teach people how to treat us.
There’s a new definition of “yapping”, which is just basically people who are good at talking. It has more of a positive connotation, not at all like a dog, more like someone who is a strong conversationalist, or a modern philosopher. I’m not joking.
Your BF sounds thoughtless.
I stopped reading after the 3rd sentence when you were adding everything up. Relationships are not supposed to be transactional, you sound very annoying.
So he paid 10 bucks to insult you for your anniversary. Return his gifts and reconsider this relationship. And get therapy to work on your self-worth and standards. You should not be accepting of this behavior.
This post is so silly. I don’t even know where to start. How about everyone just keep their money and you buy your own gifts.