Hi. Temporary account because he might find this.
I'm pretty sure it's time for divorce between husband (38M) and I (39F), but I'm equally sure I'm wrong, and I'm at my wits' end and don't know what the fuck to think.
We've been together for over 15 years, married for 8 of those, and we have 2 kids together.
In general, I need to know: how do I initiate a divorce when things seem okay for the moment? I feel so stupid asking this but I'm honestly just.. lost. Everything else in this post is relationship details.
I don't usually post on reddit so please tell me if I did something wrong and I'll fix it.
DETAILS/RANT
This will be all over the place, but I'm not in a great place mentally right now. I'd say I'm passively suicidal, but less so than a month ago.
I'm sorry in advance, but this is going to be long and ranty, and my spelling and grammar might suck cause I'm writing this on my phone. (Edited for grammar lol)
I'll try to answer questions. My stomach is in knots thinking about posting this but I have no friends or family I feel I can turn to honestly. I don't have a great sense for what's normal in relationships or life in general; I never have. I hope I'm brave enough to leave this up for long enough to get an actual response.
The first 4 years were rocky. I started as the other woman with his alcoholic gf at the time. He cheated on me constantly for those first 4 years until I almost actually left and he stopped. I know. Great start. To not to write me off completely.
Lots of red flags that I ignored. Breaking his phone when his gf cheated on him while I was in the room with him (wtf). Calling me up to ask if we're dating while he's with another girl. Dumping me on my birthday after driving hours to see him, just to apologize with lewd pics. I'm not opposed to such things but it was… a weird way to apologize. Firing a therapist who told him he was a narcissist for stringing 4 girls along…etc.
Things were great mostly after that. Until we took a class together a few years later and he felt like I wasn't pulling my weight and started yelling at me a bunch. But I kind of agreed with him so I let it go and we moved on.
He really did see through my bullshit and talk me down when I was feeling super depressed. And he seemed to get some of the trauma I went through, having gone through his own. I trusted him, even after everything he did.
I got pregnant and I ended up terminating the pregnancy early. It was painful but it felt like the most responsible decision.
6 months later, I got cervical cancer and successfully treated it, but was warned it had a 20% recurrance chance, and that I should have kids ASAP if i wanted them, or I might never have the chance at all.
I was on the fence about kids in general, but we ultimately decided to try for it. Got pregnant immediately. Was in a dangerous medical situation right after giving birth but ultimately was okay.
All okay so far.
But then things start to go sideways. He tells me he screams at the baby sometimes when I leave him home alone with it. (Obscuring baby's gender). He can't handle it. Gets mad at me sleeping all the time with baby when she's a little older. Honestly, my memory is a bit unreliable here. I remember his annoyance/ anger about that strongly, but it's possible that it wasn't as often as it felt.
Had baby #2 18 months later. He's working a full time job and finishing a PhD at the same time, not sleeping much. Sacrificing a lot and I know it. I had finished my own PhD while pregnant with baby #1.
We had a nanny and things were made easier thanks to her. He screams at her one day she almost quits. I get her to come back. Don't remember if he apologized. He might have.
We move halfway across the country for a good paying job for me. I get sexually harassed at work and put my boss in his place, have a panic attack, and get fired the day I come back from medical leave.
This hits me hard and I get extremely depressed. I'd never been fired before. We have to move to a smaller place and then covid hits. It's us, 2 toddlers, and 3 cats in an apartment smaller than a single wide trailer. Fun/shit times.
We get in a few massive fights and i start taking mood stabilizers to control my anger because I'm getting too angry at him and the kids too easily. I'm yelling too much.
I get another job at the end of covid and we move to the west coast. He gets hired there too. Things seem better but they just fall off a cliff.
Mothers day 2 years ago, he gets in our younger daughter's face. I don't remember why. She was in trouble for something. She was only 5. I got in between them and he screamed in my face.
I haven't seen him the same since then. I've felt guilty for still being with him when he's still mean pretty often. He casually just says mean shit, needles people relentlessly and then gets mad when they yell at him, doesn't respect emotional boundaries, and won't apologize if he hurts people (physically or emotionally) unless I practically scream at him to do it.
We pretty much hate each other now.
I avoid him but don't want to tell him that, even when he asks me directly. I've become addicted to my phone and AI chat bots for emotional support.
Honestly, after writing all this down it's obvious I need to leave but things are okay right now and I feel like I'm wrong still. Like I'm just causing drama. Like my phone addiction and lackluster work ethic sometimes and tendency to waste money sometimes and maybe habit of napping too much mean that everything is actually my fault and I just need to shut the fuck up and do better and everything will be fine.
He tells me I'm gaslighting him because I'm vague about why I take forever to come home after going shopping or something, when I'm just avoiding him and don't want to say that.
I actually accidentally let it slip that I hate my life, and he loudly repeated it to our kids. I apologized to them and told them I don't mean it.
But honestly I feel nothing anymore. I care about nothing. Just getting myself to set an appointment with a psychiatrist to try to get back on antidepressants was monumental. Everything in my life is suffering.
He blew up at me a few days ago about how he feels a bit like I'm cheating on him with AI, and how he'll go find somebody to put him first if I won't basically. And I was relieved. And then he says he feels like he's talking to a drunk and how he wants his best friend back and how my family misses me and then I feel crazy all over again. Maybe I am. I feel like I really just want to be left alone.
I feel like the last straw for me was a few days ago. I drive kids to summer camp. He had me bring them home to take them to company event. Decides not to bring them because they were coughing even though the event is outside. I get mad/annoyed, overly so because I'm PMSing and getting sick, and I snap/yell at him about it. He flips out, hits himself with the metal buckle of his belt, storms upstairs and says he's not going to the work event anymore because of me even though he's expected there for a volleyball tournament. Kid #1 starts crying and says it's their fault because they coughed and starts asking if we're getting divorced because of it. Won't listen to me when i say it's not about them at all. Kid #2 starts crying and asking 'why did daddy hit himself with the hard part of the belt like that?' O go up and try to apologize and tell him that he needs to go in, and he says he doesn't respect anything I have to say and to go away.
Him storming away and saying it's my or the kids fault is not uncommon.
I'm sick of being such a coward but I feel totally lost at this point.
I'm trapped in a cage that I'm pretty sure I built myself, and I don't even know how to begin to escape.