I (M46) have been dating a someone (F42) for a year. We don’t live in the same city so we see each other once a couple of months, once a month max. Apart from that there’s lots of texting, sexting, phone calls. We did not commit to exclusivity but practically I haven’t met anyone since, and she hasn’t either or at least for the past few months. This arrangement works for both of us.
When we meet, sex is amazing. Attraction is strong, communications is great. It’s better than anything that happended to me in the few years preceeding. It’s like that for her too – we talked about it.
When we first had sex, and I was about to put on a condom, she said there’s no need because she had a coil. My experience at that point was a long term monogamous relationship from which I have a child followed by sex with a couple of women where I used a condom every time, without prompt, or any discussion after. It was ignorance on my part but I thought of unwanted pregnancy as the only risk of unprotected sex. STIs didn’t cross my mind.
We had unmprtected sex each time since (not that many!), until a month ago she told me that she had an outbreak of herpes soon after we had sex. She was confident because the outbreak was after the risk for me was low. This was followed by several conversations how came she didn’t tell me before, and what we do from now on.
I prefer to use a condom. She prefers to continue having unprotected sex. Her arguments are: pleasure, practicalities – we take our time, there may be penetration, followed by something else, following by more penetration, though i don’t see how we couldn’t just use several condoms – and her feelings about being shamed and treated like the dirty one.
I guess I can either accept the risk of getting “cold sores in a different place, or try to insist that wearing a con”dom is a reasonable way to reduce that risk, even if we also do oral.
What should I do?
Edit 1: We are getting tested.
Edit 2: Please don't make snarky comments about accidental pregnancy if you don't know what an IUD is.