I know what I really need is a therapist, because our issues are vast and deep beyond this, but reddit is the best I can do at the moment.
I just gave birth to our first son 3 months ago. I know they say to not make any big decisions during the first year, but I'm starting to become concerned that our lack of doing so is hurting us all.
I've been feeling in a funk, I feel gross, ugly, and deformed since giving birth. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I did give in at just 3 weeks pp to start having sex with him again. I do have a high sex drive, but I would be lying if it wasn't partially to keep him satisfied. Well lo and behold, I ended up with a uterine infection. Got the antibiotics, all better for the most part, but I've been getting random yeast infections ever since. Well a couple weeks ago after having sex, he noticed that his penis was a little red, inflamed, and burned a bit. I apologized and was embarrassed thinking it must have been from my infection. A few more times and nothing happens, until today. I had sex with him right before leaving for work, and when I got there, I seen a text from him saying "my dick is burning again, I need to go get checked and a std test".
Um, a std test? So I asked if he cheated on me, because what? And in response I got a slew of responses about how no, im the one cheating on him, he can't believe I'm cheating on him. So I call him in disbelief and he aggressively accuses me of cheating on him. I tell him that not only of course would I not, but you get routinely tested multiple times throughout pregnancy, if he was concerned it was like an old lingering one from a past relationship? He then begins to hyperfocus on why I'm bringing up that "time period", basically I'm brought into a line of questioning that I can't win. He just knows I'm cheating on him, and he can't believe it. I asked him to take our son to his mom's because his tone was worrying me, I didn't want my son to hear him and become worried. That, too, was highly suspect and exactly "what a cheater would say". Meanwhile I can't believe this is happening.
Apparently the way I went about it was suspicious? And that he just wanted reassurance and my reaction was off. I felt like I couldn't say anything right, I was trying to reassure him, but I felt like I had to defend myself too. Which led into me wanting to know why he would want to be with me if he even thinks I could do something like that? And do I want to be with someone who thinks that way about me? He kept saying that he will know when he gets the results and "I won't have to worry", so I told him I don't want to be around him then until he gets his results. Go to his mom's. I told him I needed space, which "told him everything he needed to know".
After a lot more arguing and trying to diffuse, he goes on to tell me he just gets scared based on his past. And that I see him as "less than" because I pay all of our bills, etc. Ontop of ongoing drug issues, the last incident was just yesterday with him stealing my adderall from me again (at least he did go out and buy me a safe once i caught him this time). So I can see why he would be insecure that I'd leave him I guess, but this just felt so out of line to me.
I'm having a hard time, dealing with ppd, and anxiety with going back to work while leaving my baby. I may have overreacted when I said I needed space apart, but I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I try so hard, because I love him so much. He told me if I was willing to kick him out, that would be it, he wouldn't come back.
Basically, he thinks I went about it the wrong way and sounded suspicious, and he deserved reassurance from me without the defensiveness. I feel like I should have never had to deal with that in the first place when I do so much for him, I obviously love him, I put up with a lot. He doesn't understand why his accusation was so hurtful to me, even now after we've "talked it through", he clearly doesn't see it like I do, mocking me about saying I felt devastated.
How should I even feel about this? At least with his other issues (drugs) I can understand that he's not trying to hurt me, and there are other motives. But this feels like an attack on my character, like how could he love me if he could think that way of me? Was I wrong to not be more understanding of his past trauma? Is needing an std test from your fiance a normal way of gaining reassurance? I'm so confused and hurt. Is any of this normal postpartum arguing?
ETA: this gained way more traction than I was expecting. I think at this point, if you can't be kind in your reply, just please don't. This started out with feeling like I was getting advice, and now I feel like I'm being bashed. You may think I'm stupid, but there's no reason to say such hateful things about me and my son. I'm not as dumb as you all think, I'm 3m pp with ppd and am already struggling, which is probably making me act stupid. But there's also way more to our relationship than what's in this post that only focuses on his faults. There's also an insane amount of love, and we're a happy family the majority of the time. We have problems, and I may learn soon that they're too great to overcome or continue to overlook. I came asking for advice, the hate is not necessary, please.