Ironically, username is a throwaway. My wife channels Marie Kondo and throws out things that she doesn't like when she goes on her cleaning sprees. The problem is that she will throw out things that are important to me or would be used by our daughter (3f) if offered. Among other things, this is very frustrating because I have had to re-buy many things. I discovered that she did this early in our relationship after a few too many things were disappearing. Since then, I have practically begged her to talk to me before throwing out things (like putting them in a box for me to go through or something like that). Instead, she will throw things away and lie to me that she did not throw "anything" away. When I go through the trash and find all of the things she threw away, she will tell me she doesn't think they mattered and so they didn't count. Each time this happens, I've told her how badly this makes me feel, and how it feels disrespectful and controlling to make these decisions about our things without discussing it with me first. This is something I've made very, very clear how much this upsets me to not have autonomy over my own possessions. She doesn't do these purges terribly often – I'd say only a few times a year. I'm definitely messier than her and probably keep things that I don't really need, but I am team player (follow her lead about how she likes the house) and far from a hoarder (if she put things in a trash bag that she wanted to get rid of, I would acquiesce to throwing out most of it). We otherwise have a very good and close relationship, and I love her deeply.
Yesterday, she cleaned up the house, again promising that she "didn't throw away anything." For some reason, I believed her this time, and just so happened to notice bags of things she was throwing out when I was taking out the trash. It included toys that our daughter might like, but she is too young for. It included something I made for our daughter that she loves, and is very important to me. She threw away disposable things that I would have had to buy again. She threw away some of my clothes that I wear regularly that she doesn't like, but knows I don't want to get rid of. It took me a long time to dig through the trash and return these things to their spots. Internally, I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's not the stuff, it's the trust. She knows how I feel about this, did it anyway, and covered it up by lying, again. This is probably going to come across as melodramatic, but it feels like a betrayal and violation of the trust and faith I put in her almost equivalent to finding out she was cheating on me. Not that it is the same degree or equivalent, but I have similar feelings of violation and a loss of trust of the type that I've felt when I've been cheated on before (not with my wife).
Talking to my wife about this has not been effective at all. I am having difficulty getting over the perceived betrayal of my trust. I have no idea what to do to move past this and regain the trust and closeness that I feel was lost.
Edit: What a response, thank you all for affirming my feelings about this. I respect and appreciate the comments, even if I think many are too harsh on my wife. While I agree her behavior shows a fundamental lack of respect for me and my autonomy, you all can't know what happens 99.9% of the rest of the year.
For clarification, some of the things she throws out could qualify as clutter, though I would say most of it is stuff that is where it is "supposed" to be.
Edit2: She is not throwing away things that are obviously valuable (like a game console or something like that). I can generally understand the logic for throwing away the things that she does. Some of the things she throws away I really think she should know better, though (unused packages of CBD gummies, partially full container of kerosene, containers of super glue).
Edit3: To reiterate, this isn't a messiness thing – well, at least not completely. I recognize that I am messier than her and have to put in special effort to try to keep up. But, I'm not a slob or a hoarder or anything else that might provide some justification for throwing away things. She isn't throwing away things I leave out, she's throwing away things that she doesn't think I need. Most of the things she throws away are in their appropriate spot when they are thrown out.
Edit4: She doesn't actually watch Marie Kondo – that was just me explaining that she likes to get rid of "clutter" by getting rid of things that take up space.
Update: She has been extra sweet to me since the day before yesterday, clearly knowing that I was upset with her. I talked with her last night. I had written her a letter which I wrote expressing how I felt, to make sure my feelings were clearly and seriously expressed. I procrastinated handing it to her, and she saw how distraught I was and instigated a conversation before I handed it to her. She seemed to believe what upset me was that she had taken away a desk and pushed all of my things to a smaller desk, taking away the area for me to do my art there to make more room for our child's things. While I'm not like, super happy about that, I told her that wasn't what was bothering me. I explained how it hurt me that she knew that I don't like her throwing things away, and she did it again, anyway. I explained how she had thrown away art and other things that really upset me. She told me that she hadn't realized that, for example, the chess board that I had made was not a piece of junk because she only saw the underside of it. This is an epoxy chessboard that I spent many hours painting and preparing. While it's a little bit bent, it is gorgeous and the time I put into it shows. I told her that she shouldn't even be making those judgment calls, because she keeps making these kinds of mistakes. She then got a bit defensive, saying that I should have cleaned up the clutter already because I had talked about tidying up my desk. I agreed that I need to be better about it, but this "argument" doesn't make any sense, because none of the things that she threw away came from my desk. They came from my nightstand, my clothes drawer, my closet, and a separate closet, and I told her that. I hope her statement was just something said defensively without really thinking about it, because the logic behind it has some bad implications. If she got rid of my things in my non-desk areas, because of a messy desk, that means she got rid of things in non-desk areas as some kind of revenge. Even if this had anything to do with the desk, I told her that she should at least warn me before she goes through the purge. While I know that she shouldn't have to ask me to keep things tidy to her standards, the least she could have done was to tell me to address it before she starts getting rid of things. I told her if this was really about clutter, she should leave it in a box for me to go through. She told me that I had gotten mad at her in the past because she had done that. I remember no such incident, but I told her that even if I had gotten upset about that (which doesn't make any sense, because that is what I keep asking her to do), why would it be worse than throwing out the things without asking me? She told me that I should keep my things in my closet or the garage because those are my areas. Then I asked her if I have to keep all of my clothes in the garage, too? Also, she had taken things from my closet (the alleged safe space). She said that she had only took a shirt that was stained and shorts that I had agreed to get rid of. That just wasn't true – there were several shirts, pajama shorts, and a tank top that she threw away without stains. Also, the jean shorts that she said I had agreed to get rid of was not true – I told her that I needed to get new shorts because I've been losing weight, but I don't have the replacement shorts yet. If I had been ready to get rid of them I didn't need her help – throwing out those shorts would have left me with only one pair of shorts that fit me.
I know that she has a tendency to be a bit defensive and say things without thinking too much when she feels like she is being attacked, but she will usually ruminate on things later and address things more reasonably after taking the time to digest the issues. Normally, I try to give her a little space when she gets defensive like that so that she has her time to reflect. However, it made me very angry that she kept trying to defend her actions, which were clearly bad, with "arguments" that did not make any sense. Though I've previously called her out on breaking her promises not to throw my things away, I had never called her out on her lying. I got upset and asked her why she keeps lying to me about it, if the things she are saying are true. She didn't really respond. I kept to myself the rest of the night. I cried a lot. She kept being extra sweet to me.
While she might be acting like she had realized she is in the wrong and said that she would set aside things she wants to throw away first, she never actually apologized or expressed remorse. She didn't say that she wanted to earn my trust back. It makes me think she still doesn't understand how devastating to me it is that I cannot trust her anymore. I'm not satisfied with this result, and am going to push hard for couple's therapy, as has been discussed in the comments. Contrary to some of the other comments, I adamantly believe this is not worth destroying our marriage about and raising our daughter in broken home for. That said, her reaction/response (or lack thereof) to being told how upsetting it is that she keeps lying to me, is an enormous red flag. If she doesn't care about regaining my trust, then I don't think we have a marriage to save.