My spouse and I have been separated for 1 year and have been trying to rekindle the flame. We got married young, had a child together young, and separated within the first two years of the marriage. After spending a year without each other and after a big operation my spouse went through to relieve chronic pain, we have been spending more time together in the last ~2 months.
They want to start our physically intimate relationship again but I have my reservations. Between the two of us, I’ve always been the one who has had a bit of an aversion because of how emotionally intimate sex is in the first place. I would make excuses not to have sex or even just “deal with it” using other methods so I wouldn’t have to go to them for it. Our relationship was really hard on both of us emotionally and it only increased the hesitancy I felt about sex. Part of me wants to puke (from fear of intimacy, and bad associations with memories with my spouse) when I think about it because I think in some way, I don’t feel ready for it… Even hugs and things like that are hard for me. I feel bad that they want it to go further and I don’t. I don’t know when/if I will, honestly.
How can I get in touch with the part of myself that craves sex and touch, and hopefully begin to understand in more depth the reasons why I don’t want a physical relationship with my spouse? And how can I talk to them about it in a way that is kind but firm?
They care about it a lot and it feels scary to break the news that I’m just not interested at the moment.
If anyone has any reliable resources for consent education, sex, emotional connections and sex, etc. please let me know. Literally anything is great.