I (F21) have been friends with this guy (M22) since 3 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs in our friendship because well, to put it bluntly, I’m too clingy and he’s hyper independent but last year we reached a nice middle way that works for both of us because we love being friends. When I first started talking to him I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was going through the worst time of my life and he was my only place of comfort throughout so i started liking him and even told him, but then all our fights happened and i realised i might’ve just been feeling that cause he was the only person for me at the time. He was, at the time, in love with a girl since 5 years who had already rejected him but he couldn’t move on (he wasn’t doing anything about it). Last year after we reached a settlement and everything was going smoothly, after a long time, he told me he was over that girl and the unexpected joy that i felt made me realise I still had feelings for him. He then proceeded to tell me he has decided to get back together with his ex. I wanted to confess properly, but felt it would be shitty to confess once they were together so i did it before he got back together with her. I told him how i felt and he told me in very clear terms that he did not get the same way so i told him I’d have to put a pause on the friendship to deal with this and stopped talking to him. He also immediately told his new gf about this which pissed me off but he apologized eventually. This was in September 2021.
Recently, I guess in April, i talked to him and he mentioned how my leaving him bothered him a lot and I hadn’t even given him a choice. I felt bad and because I also missed him a lot, we became friends again. Him and his girlfriend broke up 3 days ago and i couldn’t stop hoping that he’d finally see that we would be great together. He keeps saying he wants a cute simple relationship and I keep wishing it was with me. He’s also very flirty as a person which confuses me a lot. And since we’ve become friends again he’s been extra affectionate. He called me to meet because he was sad and said it made him feel better even when we only met for 15 mins. I eventually started hoping all of this meant something and I guess I’m not subtle so he realised it too. I’ve also been incredibly insecure lately because I believe the only reason he can’t see me that way is cause I’m not pretty or hot enough, this is also because no one I like has ever liked me back and i believe this is the reason. So today we finally had a really long convo about all this. He thought i was over him and is sad that he’s making me sad. We also fought about the insecurity thing cause he said i was wrong about that. He said he has tried to imagine me as his girlfriend and he just couldn’t and he wished I’d move on and stop being sad about it. He offered if we should stop talking again but the idea of leaving him again is worse than any of it but i definitely have thought about this and gotten sad about it more since we started talking. I told him I’d deal with it but i honestly don’t know what to do, I’m so miserable and I just wish he’d see me as more than a friend. I’m wondering if being friends with him again was a bad idea but i don’t know. And i don’t know if not being friends with him would change anything. Because losing this friendship would definitely be a pretty big loss in my life and idk if the feelings will even go away.
Should I stay friends or leave? And if I do stay friends how do I get this out of the way?
TL;DR – I’m in love with my bestfriend who does not reciprocate and has made it clear, we stopped being friends but decided to become friends again because the friendship is really important to us but my feelings still keep getting in my way and making me miserable so do I stay friends or leave?
5 comments
You need to walk away from this and realize how unhealthy it is for the two of you. For you, because of the issues you’ve already mentioned. For him, because your unrequited feelings for him will cause him to inevitably have to choose between you and whoever he’s with next. In the long run, it will be plainly obvious to his newer SO that you harbor feelings for him.
The only way this will end is with increased heartache on your side, so ending things on your terms is probably the only way you’ll be able to maintain control of it. If you don’t already have a therapist, you should be getting one.
You tried the staying friends option, and it didn’t work. Realistically you need some time and space in order to get over your feelings for this person, at the very least. You don’t need to burn bridges. You just have to explain how you feel and what you need, and then distance yourself.
In my opinion you can’t truly be friends with somebody if one has feelings so it’ll be best to step away until you get your feelings sorted out and hope that one day you guys can be friends again
This guy honestly sounds kinda selfish.
He doesn’t really seem concerned about helping you get over your crush, helping you find someone else, or helping you make peace with the fact that you and him ain’t gonna work.
You tried to do the mature thing, get some space, and get over him, and lo and behold, he re enters your life when his relationship hits the rocks.
It’s called an emotional affair OP.
He uses you to scratch the emotional itches a girlfriend normally does, but he doesn’t want to sleep with you and/or be exclusive. Sending you mixed messages all the while.That’s not really fair to you.
I’ve had female friends and FWBs catch feelings on me. My prime concern was helping them deal and being as honest with them as they were willing to handle, because I didn’t want them to suffer or leave my life on bad terms. I didn’t always live up to that, but the point was I didn’t just say “don’t kill the mood, sort yourself out”.
You need less selfish friends OP. My litmus test with female friends to see whether they want to see me happy or just want me to themselves is how willing they are to help me find someone else. People who are out to use you don’t care or actively sabotage.
Leave. You need to move on in your life and you can’t do so while in contact with him.
Tell him you can’t get over him and if he can’t return the feeling you two need to stop seeing each other and can’t talk or hang out any longer. Let him know that you need to move on with you life and can’t do it when he’s around.
Then don’t let him rekindle the friendship in the future as it will just set you back again.