TLDR
Feel lost and without connection to husband- my needs have changed and aren’t being met. Communicating my needs isn’t going well and I’m sad and confused. I need an outside perspective before I make a mistake that I’ll regret.
Husband (38m)and I (39f) have been married for 5 years and had a baby in 2019. we have been getting more and more distant and no amount of communication seems to help.
Before we were married my love language was very much physical touch (sexual) and gifts but the pandemic, new baby, daily stresses and now my mom being diagnosed with cancer has seemingly turned my world upside down. To boot, I’ve also changed jobs where I am now the primary “bread” winner and I’ve matured in a way I didn’t expect through becoming a mom. I manage all of the household chaos, care for my mother who is now stage 4, and also carry the majority of the mental load.
To make things more confusing, I reconnected with a bunch of old friends (including an ex boyfriend who I remained acquaintances with) when my mom was diagnosed earlier this year.
This person has always brought out the best of me and has challenged me to be a better version of myself throughout the years but we were just never compatible or emotionally available at the same time. Talking to him I realized that I was feeling so lonely and craving attention. It made me feel some sort of way. I haven’t acted on this, but it makes me feel sad that I can’t have that connection with my husband.
I’ve talked about this all with husband on a surface level but he insists that he’s “doing all he can” and “things haven’t changed” for him… and also that he shows me love through sex. I don’t want sex- I want to feel safe, loved and secure with my husband. I’ve told my husband that I need him to put some effort into listening to me, being more kind with his words, and showing me through his actions that he can support me emotionally in the coming weeks as my mother is inevitably going to pass.
I hate that this random connection with an ex makes me feel loved and cared for and questioning my marriage. I’m so emotionally hurt right now with preparing to lose my mom and all the pressure to be everything to everyone that I don’t want to isolate myself from people who could support me in a healthy way that also meets my needs but I feel so guilty that the person who’s making me feel those feelings isn’t my husband.
Looking for advice and suggestions that don’t place additional emotional burden on my plate but would allow me to show my husband that I do still want him to be my support system but need him to step up.
20 comments
It’s much easier to be the perfect partner when you’re on the outside of the relationship. If this ex was your husband, I’d doubt he’d be so idealized.
People change. That’s part of what’s so hard about LTRs. A friend of mine summed this up for me many years ago when she told me that her husband told her “my issue is that you’ve changed” and she replied “and my issue is that you haven’t”. They got married young and she grew up while he largely did not.
Talk to your husband. Seek counseling. Ultimately, you deserve what you need. He needs to decide if he can be that person, or if he even wants to. There is no “wrong answer”, but it will determine your future together.
I agree, therapy will help. People do change. Is he good with the kids? I’m dealing with something with my husband as well- he WONT touch me. At all. He’s great with the baby, the dogs, the responsibilities, but won’t touch me at all. Don’t feel guilty. Just get some help. It will be so good to get all of it out in the air.
Have you thought about love languages? Mines physical contact and my husbands is gift giving. My husband gets me all of the inanimate things I want, but I long for his touch. It’s just different. I try and put on the moves and he buys me something. We’re going through a phase right now where he won’t let me touch him but I’m getting a new dog. People change, for real. We’ve just figured out how to work out our differences and continue to move forward in our relationship loving each other and not loving sex only.
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I’m sure your husband would love to hear about your reconnection with the ex…
Losing a mother slowly to a lingering illness, bit by bit, is horribly stressful. As callous as it sounds, after death, you will feel a great sadness, then *relief* that it is over. I felt it twice.
After that burden is lifted, you might start to feel differently about your situation. Until then, I would avoid life changing decisions.
Good luck.
It’s no real surprise that the infamous 7 year itch coincides with when most humans undergo dramatic evolutions in thinking and development. So you’ve been together 5 years and have grown and shifted as a person. While you always hope you can grow together, sometimes that doesn’t happen.
On one hand, you are going through a very difficult time. I would hardly say you are in any position to make life altering decisions. I took care of my husband as chemo took him from this big strong man, to someone who couldn’t hold himself up on his own two feet. It was a lot of stress and heartache being his caregiver and having to be strong for him because he couldn’t be strong for himself.
My heart goes out to you because only those that have experienced it first hand, know just how difficult and isolating it feels.
While you’re right, you should have your needs met, I think it’s important to realize that you might be viewing this other person through rose-colored lenses. Going through the fire is a lot harder than watching the fire from the outside and waiting for the firemen to come put it out.
You seems to want to make your marriage work, so therapy and caregiver support groups are great tools to utilize right now.
I have a hard time telling you with certainty that this other person wouldn’t be able to handle the situation better. I’m polyamorous and my bf is better at certain things than my husband, but he definitely has his own set of flaws. On the other side, my husband is better at meeting some of my other needs better than my bf. That’s why I’m crazy about them both.
I say this to point out that this other person has flaws that you have probably not seen yet, and he may drop the ball in ways your husband doesn’t. The grass probably isn’t greener, it’s just a different shade. That’s so important to remember when considering ending an otherwise good relationship.
I wish you all the best, but it is my honest opinion that you should continue to allow your friends to support you through this time, and see how your relationship fairs when things have returned to a semblance of normal. If once you are able to think a bit more clearly and without so much emotion involved, and you see that you and your husband have changed in ways you aren’t able to overcome, there is no shame in deciding you want to go your separate ways.
For right now, I think upending your marriage is a bad idea.
First of all I am very sorry about your mother. I can’t imagine what that’s like. Besides that i am in a similar boat. My partner and I have been distancing for a while and I noticed he’s been looking up his ex. Knowing that has made me even more distanced, and I view it as a form of emotional cheating. I don’t know where we’re going from here. Is couples counseling an option for you?
I think love languages is a good rule of thumb, but there’s problems with it. For one, physical touch isn’t all about sex; hand holding, massage, cuddles etc also are included in that. Two, people are absolutist about it. “Well I fuck you so that’s enough affection you can expect from me because that’s my love language.” The whole point is that you realize people see *affection* in multiple aways; I notice gift giving but maybe I don’t always notice my husband’s acts of service, for example, or notice that he is most assured by physical touch. It doesn’t mean that one single love language is enough, nor does it encompass all you need for a relationship to work. Handling emotional labor for example might be dumbed down into “acts of service” but its also just being a good partner and make sure they aren’t drowning.
Also, in the book it says that women should never say no to sex, so its just kind of not great beyond an internet meme.
I think you’re in the couple’s counseling mode. Forget the ex; it made you realize where your husband is seriously dropping the ball but you’d have no idea if your ex would be any better when life is this hard. But now you know what you’re lacking, and if he isn’t willing to discuss it or compromise maybe a third party can help. If he refuses, you should get counseling anyway for yourself, you’re going through a ton and if you have to pay someone to provide the support you need, so be it. I agree just wait until things are calmer before you make any huge decisions.
The worst would be when you found out after some time that the other man is not better than your husband and realize that your husband has definitely gone.
People are fallible creatures. I don’t know if you husband can be everything you want right now.
I strongly suggest you seek a therapist and maybe a group for people dealing with similar situations. Your mom’s hospital or hospice may be able to recommend one.
Then assign tasks to your husband that he can do to take some of the weight off your shoulders. Only you can define which actions from your husband make you feel safe, loved and secure. Tell him and see if he follows through.
I’m so sorry you are going through so much all at the same time. Big hug!
You could already be doing this, but explaining specific tasks for your partner to do is helpful (in my personal experience especially with men) say -” hey I want to set an hr aside a day where I can talk to you ab what im feeling and you can validate my feelings. by validating I mean saying “that sounds so hard, baby.” and rub my back. if you feel exhausted already bc you are doing xyz, you can drop z and replace it with this and that would really make my life easier. I dont want to reach outside of our marriage to have these things happen, as I dont want it to get to the point of an emotional affair which a lot of people in my position wind up having, but I want to be close with YOU. not someone else, I need you to take me seriously” If you clearly give details and allow him to drop something else since he feels like hes doing “all he can do”, and he doesnt do it, all I can say is I’m sorry.
I think you should mentally and emotionally thank your ex for giving you the gift of clarity and then make the effort to never be alone with him and to stop confiding in him in any sort of way. I feel the last thing you will want while dealing with your marriage and your mom and your baby is for anything else in your life to slide off into chaos– which is where this will lead unless you take clear steps to keep a distance.
Then, I mean, the big thing right now is your mom. And I am so sorry to hear of these troubles. My feeling right now is that maybe you don’t have the bandwidth to deal with both your mom and your marriage at the same time. There’s this weird sort of avoidance game my mind likes to play when really big stuff comes up– the feelings about thing one are so big and overwhelming that my brain is gonna go and make a big deal about thing two instead. So your marriage is a big thing coming up and your feelings about your ex are heightened so maybe you don’t have to deal with your feelings around your mom. But marriage is a long-term thing and your issues and feelings can wait a few months. They are still valid, and worth dealing with, but if you want to take one thing off your immediate list, that could be an option.
My feeling about your husband is that it could be really worthwhile to take a few of the things on your list of shit you’re keeping track of and hand them over. And by hand them over, I mean put him in charge of planning the thing, doing any shopping or prep for the thing, doing the thing, and then cleaning up after the thing. Hand some shit off and then forget about it unless he has a very specific question (i.e. I can’t find the flim-flams we use with the snazzlerod. Do you know where I should look?) Let him do some things to give you some breathing room.
Then maybe see a therapist. Just for yourself. Give yourself the gift of creating a space to grieve your mom and clarify what you need from your husband in a space where that’s safe and nobody else’s feelings are on the line.
> I haven’t acted on it
You certainly have. Just not physically.
You are in an emotional affair. You’ve already betrayed your husband.
It’s not too late to turn it around. But this has to come from you. Not him.
You don’t even know what your needs are but you’re resentful your husband can’t meet them?
You know what you should do but you won’t admit to it or do it.
So you have to decide. Do you want to save your marriage or don’t you?
Do you want to give up half your child’s life? Or don’t you?
If you don’t want to give up half your child’s life then you know what you need to do. And the first steps don’t involve your husband at all.
I see the next post in a couple of months. Please help my husband wants a divorce. M husband was not giving me all the love and attention I needed. HUGE RED FLAG. Poor husband. So I started confiding in an X boyfriend who i had chemistry with. We talked about all of my marriage issues and my husband. He knew exactly what to say, and said he would never treat me like that. And then somehow we had sex in the car in the Walmart parking lot. And it’s been going on for 6 months weekly.
My husband looked at my phone and saw a msg the guy I am banging sent saying he loves the way you ride him. Or I left Facebook open etc.
I can emplane, it was the first time!
This will be over in surviving infidelity.
Before you cheat and ruin you child’s life. Go seek therapy.
Good luck I hope I don’t see this on the other page next month.
you didn’t “Randomly reconnect with an ex”, you are actively choosing to have an emotional affair and you are actively choosing to neglect your husband and your family. Your passive voice here is worrisome.
Either stop talking to your ex and focus on your husband, or divorce him now. But don’t jerk your poor husband around for one more day.
I’ve heard starting emotional affairs with an ex usually does wonders for solving marital issues, so kudos to you for being smart about this.
Oh and in case you misconstrued the tone, that was sarcasm. Grow a spine and have a heart-to-heart with your husband, and stop playing what-if with your ex.
Your mind has to be stronger than your feelings unfortunately , emotional cheating is wrong , as sad as I am to hear about your mother , you sound like you’re struggling in life , all the best
Truth is you lost sexual attraction for him. This is not your fault. Youre likely feeling like your missing something from him that your ex gives you. A sense of novelty and thrill that takes you away from the pain for a short moment. Sounds like you want to have an affair but apart of you feel its wrong. You should have never talked to your ex, now you’re having an emotional affair and your getting hooked and now its effecting your dynamic between you guys. You want people to tell you you should leave him so you don’t feel guilty about doing what you really want. Until then you will fight with your husband and he won’t understand why. You will eventually have an affair, unless you value the stability of having a family more than doing what your heart tells you. If you arnt strong willed you will succumb to your what your heart desires.
You want to show him you still want him you will provide him maintenence sex. If you have no motivation think about the guy your having an emotional affair with.
You really need to get a therapist. Hopefully sooner rather than later. You have so many things happening – between your job, your child, and your mother, that a good therapist will help you work through all your feelings. Don’t make any big decisions over the next few months while you are handling all of this. Do see a therapist who specializes in grief, among other things. Good luck and sorry for your stresses.