Recently, I started intensely brooding and nesting for a family. I have a beautiful vision of what my life should be, but I'm only interested in adoption. I just wanted to share what's happening in my life right now.
The real conundrum:
Whenever I'm interested in someone, I pursue them like anyone else. However, the moment they ask me out or I ask them out, I lose interest. I've dated many people but only entered into relationships with two of them out of love. Both relationships ended within a month, and all my relationships have ended within five months, but they were the ones who left me. I've also had three unrequited loves that never progressed into relationships.
I am always caring, despite my romantic feeling towards them. Even 3 of my exs told me, they can't handle the amount of love I provide. It is not like I smother them, I know when to give space, I know when to provide comfort, everything in moderation.
A month ago, I created accounts on a few dating apps. Some people approached me and genuinely liked me, but I lost interest in them. Before creating the dating accounts, before people showed interest in me, I was like a hungry monster eager to date, but now I've lost interest in them as well as dating.
I'm not sure if this has something to do with trauma, or if I'm just being bitch.
It is like I'm caught in between wanting to have permanence because I'm scared of uncertainty, but when i know that I can have permanence I'm scared of that too.