Not referring to a paranoid type of targeting, just like with being liked by others and friends.
I constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I often have nightmares where I say something weird or accidentally offend people and everybody gangs up on me and is relentless.
Throughout my life I have been the outcast of every friend group, bullied, left out, given dirty looks, and have been told that i seem insert false statement that makes me sound awful before a person bothers getting to know me.
It’s like, I could be doing absolutely nothing and be quiet and yet i’m still disliked and criticized. I know i’m not absolutely perfect but I try to think of myself as likable and have stuff to offer. I sometimes wonder if i’m on the spectrum and people can just tell something is off about me. It’s like i’m marked or something.
I was fired from a coffee shop job a few years ago because I didn’t fit in with the staff. I had one coworker who had a problem with me and would often report any mistake I made or something I did he didn’t like to my manager. My manager was so critical of everything I did like micromanaging. When I got fired it made me realize how much of an outcast from others I am. The other staff stayed for years after and were apart of a “family.” It made me feel so empty and like I don’t deserve to be a part of anything. I know it shouldn’t still bother me but it does. It just makes me think of my college experience and how lonely it was.
Every friend group i’ve ever had has excluded me to some extent and has always considered each other best friends, while i’m the side friend that’s rarely thought about. I joined a sorority because I was desperate to make friends yet I made none. No girls would talk to me. I was forgotten many times. I’m often forgotten at my current job when it comes to going to lunches or events.
When others say things: it’s fine. When I say things: it’s wrong, it’s weird, it’s unacceptable.
I’ve gone my whole life without having a true friend who is always there for me and hasn’t used me for ulterior motives or leaves me in the dust for others.
I just want to hole up in my room all day, like what’s the point of making an effort if it’s met with resistance, retaliation, or apathy