TW for content and sorry if this is long but I need to get it off my chest finally. I F25, have been with my husband FtM26 since I was 18 and we got married when I was 20. At that time I didn’t even want to get married and it was a discussion brought up multiple times but every time I said something it was a screaming match and it was shut down. I know I can’t be fully forced to marry someone so before anyone comments that. He’s the first and only relationship I had ever been in and I lost most of my family because of my choice of being with him. Prior to getting married, he had been talking to multiple different people since we first met and I found that out after moving in with him about a month into our relationship. I moved to a brand new state just for him so I tried to forgive and make things work for the sake of not being homeless and because I did love him. Also partially out of spite because of my family not supporting us. Also within the first two months of moving in with him he had r-worded me multiple times. When that would happen he’d freak out afterwards and try to k1ll himself so I’d put aside what just happened to me to try and help him. Stupid I know. But I was young and confused and scared. We’d even gotten into physical fights. He’d lay his hands on me and I’ll admit I did it back. I tried to leave once but I wasn’t ready mentally and I went back after finding a friend to stay the night with. I tried to leave again and he would threaten to kill himself to the point I had to wrestle stuff out of his hands. After that I got depressed and lost the rest of my friends. I didn’t have anyone to turn to at that point so I stuck around. Over the years he’s still continued to cheat and lie so I’ve started to kind of cheat behind his back. Never physically just emotionally. I always would feel guilty though and ghost the person within a few weeks. At this point, I’m miserable and I don’t feel like myself or a person even. I crave so much more. I’m indifferent at this point, it almost feels like resentment I have towards him. If he’s cheating on me now I don’t even care. There’s no urge to make him stop or to even find out if he is. I barely care to talk, I sit on my phone around him and scroll mindlessly on social media even talking to chat bots because I have nobody. But I’m stuck. I’ve got no funds in my name, no family, and one friend out of state who lives with her parents and kid so there’s no room for me there. What do I even do? Am I stuck like this for the rest of my life? I feel so hopeless and alone. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t but I don’t know how to get out. I hate my life. I hate my 18 year old self for getting into this relationship in the first place.
TL;DR how do I get out of this? Am I destined to be stuck in this situation forever and miserable? What do I do to get out? Where do I go?
2 comments
First and foremost, honey… be compassionate towards that 18 year old you. Sure, she might’ve got you in a bit of a pickle but she didn’t know any better and now because of this situation you know a lot more than you did before. It just sucks sometimes the way we gotta learn things.
But secondly and most importantly.. I would try reaching out to your family or old friends and just -asking- them if they can help you in some way to get out of this situation because as it stands, I’m worried about your safety. The suicide shit is highly manipulative, amongst other behavior, and it’s also turning you into a person that you clearly don’t really want to be.
My therapist uses this a lot with me in our sessions but he talks about elephants in the circus. We watch them and they are usually tied by some simple rope, ya? Easy for an elephant to break. But because they train the elephant for so long with chains, the elephant doesn’t even think to keep trying to break it when all they use is rope. Sometimes… we believe we’re more trapped than we actually are. You have more control that you recognize. Just start formulating ideas, various paths, that you can take to get out of this situation and then start executing on as many of them as you can.
Get out, girl. Go live the rest of your life without that misery. You owe it to your younger self and your current self.
You say you have no money, why is that?
Is there a reason why you can’t work?
Emotionally, you’re stuck. But if you get a job, get out of the house, have a little independence, you’ll find you might just gain that strength that you need to make a plan to leave.
You can do this. You have to believe it for yourself, but will have a life that you want.