Hi all,
Married, 33, M, mortgage etc, no kids yet
Sorry in advance for journalesque post but genuinely looking for input.
Most of my life I have been very happy and content largely from outward stimulation from hanging with friends, relatives, stimulating work environments, travel, living abroad and various.
Now that life is fairly calm and I live on the commuter blet, still see friends sometimes, but I struggle with the time where it is just me and no one else is available for socialisation or doing things, even my personal hobbies (playing music, exercise) are still fairly social and can only be done to a certain extent of enjoyment by myself. I lapse into negative thought patterns out of nowhere – grass is greener syndrome mainly – and cannot rely on a base level of contentment to get me through, as in the past I got this contentment from socialising, stimulation, work etc.
I have noticed how this can manifest in certain ultimately unhelpful acts, two of which I have successfully changed for the better:
lowering of high expectations
(e.g. no more "I will learn Spanish by next month" or "I must go to gym every Tues and Thurs")
and extreme acts of fixed thinking
(e.g. I will be vegetarian/vegan, or I will delete instagram and reddit so I will live only in the real world)
There was a time when I was content by myself, and even now I do seek out time by myself, but it is usually at night after stimulating days when I have gained an element of inner peace and satisfaction with myself. I am a teacher so this mostly affects me during the summer when I have less routine. I read to pass the time too, but there is an escapist element to that.
What do you do to be at peace with yourself? How do you get into that groove where you don't actively have to work on being relaxed, being kind to yourself and being happy in your own company? It's driving me crazy and putting some pressure on my wonderful wife in that my moods can be unpredictible, with peaks and valleys. We want to have a child soon, but I want to be fully available for the child, and make sure taking care of them isn't just distracting me from some kind of void, as well as wanting to be a proper role model for the child.
Any thoughts appreciated.
9 comments
therapy
I could have written that, almost word-for-word.
I had a friend tell me to actually write out all the things I had accomplished, because they felt I would realize I could rest and enjoy life. All I did was fixate on others who had longer lists.
For me it was meditation, I happened to use the Headspace app but others might be just as good. It taught me that I am not my thoughts, to acknowledge when a thought or feeling of loneliness or inadequacy came and to simply let it go.
It also taught me that if we believe we have to search for happiness then we will never find it, because we think we have to keep searching, in truth it is with us all the time. The language the app uses is to “remember the blue sky”
You’re on the right track, brother. I know you’ll find your answer, mind was meditation, and whatever your answer is, I wish you safe travels as you find it:
Zazen meditation. All about that sitting and being life.
You might dig the book Zen Mind Beginners Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. “To live is enough”
Surrender yourself, and stop resisting what is.
Easier said than done.
I find books and talks on Zen (Buddhism) and Advaita Vedanta (Hinduism), and books and talks by western teachers who come from those disciplines but are now a little more agnostic, are great for helping work towards accepting what is, and for shifting my perspective about who I am. Both of those bring on some of the peace you’re referring to. They speak very directly about the kind of suffering you’re referring to, which I like.
In my opinion this is a journey, though. I think we’re going to constantly improve over years as we reflect on self and life, just like you have already improved. I think the idea of “I’m going to fix myself and then that will be done and afterwards I will have a child” is similar to your “I will delete instagram and reddit so I will live only in the real world” example.
I would consider therapy. This seems like a very distracting mindset, and intrusive thoughts that disturb you to this level does not seem healthy?
If you can afford it, therapy will be a good thing. That void may grow and affect you and people around you in unpredictable ways (but it may not, who knows). The worst thing is that it can be there because of a lot of reasons and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to figure out what’s wrong.
Therapy helps with that.
But as for the question
> What do you do to be at peace with yourself?
Can’t say I am at that state all the time, but now it’s much better. What helped me was to acknowledge “This too shall pass” & allow myself to actually feel negative things and act on them.
I have negative thoughts? Give them time, they’ll pass. It’s okay to have them sometimes. It’s okay to be unhappy for a time being.
People I care about drive me nuts? That’ll pass, give myself and them space and time to recuperate. I am allowed to **not** try to fix things right here and right now.
I feel like life is meaningless and I want to just lie down and stare at ceiling? Allow myself that, when I can. Tell my wife that I won’t be available for hour or two and rest like that.
Important part of this, you should acknowledge your state, your emotions and actually feel them, instead of numbing them with whatever. And funny thing is, they happen less and less after you actually feel them.
As many things, it’s not absolute and it’s flexible tool, not a hammer that one should use in every situation for every emotion.
Also journaling helps given time. Not recounting events (though sometimes that as well), but just writing with no censorship or editing – could be anything from structured paragraphs to just random emotional things. It helps though only after I do it for a while in a row. Not every day, but couple of times per week at least.
To reinforce what others have said, seek out a therapist, but also maybe play the field a bit. I went to 2 or 3 therapists that I couldn’t stand and I almost gave up before finding one I gelled with who made a tremendous difference.
Also to reinforce what others have said, but with my own tweak on zen, look up the book “The Tao of Pooh” should be pretty cheap or I’m pretty sure there’s still a YouTube video of the audiobook version, it’s about 3 hours. It uses Winnie the Pooh to talk about Taoism and serves as a great starting point. To quote the Tao Te Ching for a chapter that may be very applicable to you:
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
Therefore having and not having arise together.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short contrast each other:
High and low rest upon each other;
Voice and sound harmonize each other;
Front and back follow one another.
Therefore the sage goes about doing nothing, teaching no-talking.
The ten thousand things rise and fall without cease,
Creating, yet not possessing.
Working, yet not taking credit.
Work is done, then forgotten.
Therefore it lasts forever.
One final tip I’ve learned that may be helpful when you’re feel listless is to make a list (pun intended). This has really helped my ADHD, but it sounds like maybe having a list of objectives for the day would give you more focus and being able to look back at what’s been checked off would give you more sense of accomplishment. It’s helped me a lot.
Happiness comes from within.