My boyfriend of 5 years just came clean about hiding something from me for the past year.
I graduated college this past June. I’ve been working full-time at a job I’ve been at for 2 years now. I am moved out of my parents’ and financially independent since I was 19.
My boyfriend is a year behind in school and is expected to graduate in 3 semesters. He has been living with his parents at home, and with the exception of an internship he spent 8 months at, he has not been working.
He just came clean to me about how many classes he had been failing due to poor mental health and a lack of discipline and focus. He said he was too ashamed to admit it out loud to anyone and thought if he solved the problem himself he would never have to talk about it. He has never told anyone but me.
He hasn’t been acting like himself, and when I expressed concern and a feeling of disconnect because I felt like I was being shut out from his life, he would comfort me by saying he was okay and I was overthinking. This made me feel like I was the problem, and I beat myself up for reading into things too much and not being able to be happy. It hurts that he could have put my feelings of anxiety to rest by telling me the truth, and instead he covered for himself by convincing me my fears were irrational.
I am upset because the whole relationship i’ve been checking up on him and giving him plenty of opportunities to tell me what was wrong or ask for help and instead he let go of himself and wasted 2 years of his life failing class and being unemployed. I defended him to my family because I genuinely believed everything was fine and I didn’t know the extent of how bad it got. All he ever told me was that school was difficult, and he didn’t want to bore me with it or discuss it further.
I want to believe this is a one-time mistake. I feel like he’s been stringing me along and I don’t know if i can come back from this kind of dishonesty – even if it stems from shame he’s gotten way too comfortable hiding things from me.
I’ve made it very clear that I’m not upset about the courses, but I’m upset that he has broken my trust and reacted to adversity by lying. I know he is genuinely remorseful, and has opened up to me more in the past week than he ever has in our entire relationship. I have never seen him cry so much in the 5 years that we’ve been together. He has promised he would put in a consistent effort, and is looking into therapy and tutoring.
I want to believe this is a turning point for us, but I feel shocked and I worry that even if he does pick himself up and work through his issues, I won’t be able to trust him again. It’s hard to get over someone putting their shame over my well-being.
TL;DR: my boyfriend failed his classes and has been hiding it from me for a year and now I don’t know what to do.