My husband (32M) and I (33F) have been married for almost 7 years now. Our oldest son (12M) is biologically not my husbands but when got married he told my son at the time that he would like to be his dad if that’s what he wanted and my son said yes so since then he has been dad to him.
(Bio dad is has been out of the picture since birth)
Since then we added two more boys (M5) and (M2) to the mix.
Today I asked our son to clean up the living room which he agreed to and started doing.
He was acting a bit silly and was throwing around some pillows.
One of the pillows hit his dad who was dosing off on the sofa in the face.
He was startled and got mad right away.
Which ended in him shouting “I should punch you in the face for throwing that pillow at my head while I was resting”
My son had first started laughing cause he don’t think anything of the accident and once he noticed my husband was mad tried to explain that he didn’t mean to hit him. But my husband didn’t even listen.
I went over and told him in front of our kids that it’s not ok to talk to the kids like that and that he should apologize. I also told my son to apologize. Our son apologized and again said that he don’t mean to hit his head my husband didn’t. Our son then left the room which I totally understand.
I then tried to talk to my husband again telling him that his tone and language were totally out of line and I expect him to clear things up with our son.
The two of them have been having more difficulties getting along the last few years with my son starting to act more like a teenager and testing his dad.
And on the other side my husband expecting certain things and behavior from him cause he is the oldest.
Our son has said stuff like he doesn’t like him and he isn’t his real dad anyways when he is mad. My husband just ignores these things and doesn’t go and talk to him about what’s going on.
He grew up in Nigeria and had a difficult childhood himself living with his very strict uncle and mean aunt when he was my son’s age. But that’s not an excuse to act like an ass.
I tried to talk to him about what happened after the kids were out of the room but he pretty much refused to talk and wouldn’t make eye contact playing on his phone … then he started saying stuff like yea we all know wo you are perfect and tried to start talking about situation where I get emotional and slam doors. I said that I never claimed that I was perfect and that I agree that I also have to work on my emotional outbursts.
He told me I should have said anything in front of the kids.
But I disagree. I want my children to know that no one should talk to them that way and that I have their back.
I tried to again make a point my reminding him that we want them to be kind to each other so how should that work if we aren’t kind to them…
Again no answer…
Also we had actually had an (in my opinion at that time good talk) about trying to be gentler in our parenting and not to even yell at the kids anymore and also not use language like that exact sentence he used cause he has used it once before and he had agreed to go along with it just two days ago.
Now he is trying to make it all about me telling him off in front of the kids and won’t speak to me. This can last for days.
I am just exhausted at this point. Am I wrong?
TL;dr: My husband used abusive language towards our son and now won’t speak to me because I called him out on it in front of the kids (which I think I was right to do, cause I want them to know that no one should talk to them like that. )