I (M30) need advice on how to deal with my wife’s (F30) weight going forward. My wife and I met in grad school as we were both studying for our PhD. Fast forward 6 years and we are both excelling in our career and married for 3 years. Here’s the thing, when I met my wife, she was plus size (size 22) but still active. I fell in love with her intelligence and kindness and how we bonded as friends. During our relationship, we’ve had a normal sex life. Not as passionate as others I’ve had but it worked for us. Before I decided to get engaged, I spoke with my then therapist that I think I love my wife and we are 90% great but I would love for her to lose weight or be as active as I am. I decided then that, the 90% of our life was worth it for the missing “passionate, sexy, I wanna jump all over you 10%). We got married and it’s been great so far. No arguments, no crazy sex, just average marriage.
Lately, I have realized that I am not as attracted to her as I’d like. She’s been initiating sex a lot and I have been finding some excuse to not do it. Also, when we have sex, I do it out of duty and really not into it. We’ve been discussing kids and I’m very anxious about it because I know she will get even bigger and that may present an even worse issue. Over the years, I have brought up exercising with me, offered to cook for her and all but she insists on not doing that. She’s living her life and enjoying it and that I should live her for who she is. I have tried to get her to wear lingeries and spice up our marriage but she doesn’t want to do that either.
Deep down, I know I brought this on myself. I love her with all my heart and miss her anytime we are apart. It’s just that I can’t seem to be attracted to her physically the way I am attracted to her in other ways. I don’t want to feel shallow for not being into my wife physically but also I literally can’t get an erection with her until I mentally focus on it. I don’t watch porn and I have also being to my doctor to check my T-level and it’s normal. My therapist wants me to talk to her about this but I know it will lead to a path that will end this for us. I’m willing to keep silence and deal with it, hoping that in 10 years she might want to get WLS or go on Ozempic or whatever but it also looks like that’s the mistake I made earlier – hoping that someone will change.
I know I have my own flaws and she’s probably dealing with it but I don’t know what to do. I either need to deal with it and realized I married a plus size woman and that’s who she is or walk away and take the gamble of missing out on someone who’s most likely my life partner. I am not one to issue ultimatums or force my thoughts on people, so I’m perplexed at what options I have. I don’t want to be controlling so I want her to want to change for herself.
I need advice on what to do? How to broker this conversation with kindness and how to prepare to leave an otherwise amazing marriage if our conversations go awry. I am so anxious and so worried about the future and I can’t even speak to the one person I trust.
TL:DR – I married a plus size woman hoping she would change and adopt my habits of eating clean and being fit. She didn’t. I am losing attraction for her but otherwise we have a lovely marriage. I need advice on either learning to cope with the fact that I won’t be super attracted to my wife or speaking out on this.