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38 comments
Getting over my ex and putting myself out there.
Hi, 32M here. I broke up with my fiance a year ago. She wanted to be poly and she had some sexual ambitions that were not compatible with my wants/comfortability. I’m tired of being sad and living in the past and move on with my life and find someone I can truly commit to and be happy with.
It’s been a year. She lives in the same apartment complex as me, the next building over. I can occasionally hear her car lock/unlock and her dog bark. I also occasionally see the dude she’s dating walking her dog from time to time. Yes it’s frustrating and yes I hate it, but moving isn’t an easy option for me right now. We live in a somewhat expensive area and it’s the cheapest rent in town. I live next door to two of my very best friends I’ve known for nearly 10 years and I just can’t see myself finding a better deal anywhere else in town.
We had hopes of being friends, and to be honest, she’s more open to it than me, but it’s been 12 months now and I’m still holding onto a lot of hard feelings and resentment. I’ve tried meeting up with her and talking it through, but it still affects me a lot to talk to her and be close to her. I’ve decided I don’t want to try and be friends. At least for a while. I truly don’t want to be in a relationship with her again, but as it stands due to these circumstances, she’s still on my mind and it’s hard for me to feel like I’m “moving on” like I need and want to.
I’ve gotten to the point where I believe I need to start actively pursuing dating and actually experiencing the good company of women I like in order to really and truly move on. I’ve sat on why my past relationships haven’t works, I’ve read Attached (and other books), gone to therapy, and truly think my communication game has been upped significantly. The only thing getting in my way at this point is me and how I spend my time and energy.
This is where I need advice. I want to start meeting and talking to real people face to face. I just don’t know where to go or how to do it. I’m a guy with nerdy interests. I’ve always wanted to find a nerdy woman to start a nerdy family with and do cute nerdy shit like take our kids to anime conventions. I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m convinced that compromising for somebody who doesn’t share these interests has been a contributing factor to my previous relatonships not working out long-term. But how do I meet these women? Especially in my early thirties.
I’ve heard that drop-in D&D games can be good, but I’m just not that interested in D&D and it feels a bit disingenuous to join if I’m not that interested. Other than that… I’m completely stumped. Generic suggestions for meeting anyone would also be appreciated.
I’ve thought about finding a dating coach for some targeted help, but after some initial searching, I can’t really find someone who doesn’t put me off with their marketing. I’m also a therapist, and seeing some of these people charge so much more than I do for a similar service with less qualifications is pretty frustrating. That’s my shit though.
Anyway, that’s my schpiel. Any help or suggestions would be very appreciated.
Do you believe in soul mates? Cheesy question, I know. I didn’t used to but the guy I’m seeing now has changed the game
I get into these moods (especially on the weekends) where I go on the apps a bunch and get excited to meet people and get some matches and start a few convos. Then time goes on and my work week starts making me hate the world and I get sick of all the back and forth chatting about what I’m into and where I’m from etc and stop responding that much. Then suddenly I don’t want to respond to anyone. I think it’s overall app fatigue after a bunch of failed tries. Maybe time to take a little break tbh.
so a couple of weeks ago a girl (32) who i know and talked to a few years ago started messaging me(m36). She had just broken up with her long term boyfriend and we started talking, at first she seemed quite flirty and asked if i was singel and what i look for in a girl, do i want kids etc. we met up two times and i definitely felt some chemistry between us. We started talking a lot on the phone like 2-3 hours a day, but it not that flirty any more just day to day stuff. I have asked her to come over for dinner or for a walk a few times but she has inclined every time.
Im not that experienced with relationships and dont really know if she wants to take it slow or if she just wants a friend.
I enjoy our talks and i am not in any rush to go further but i am a bit confused about what we are doing and how to proceed.
Do I slide into his DMs??
Background: there’s a guy at my gym that I think is cute. We have barely interacted. Actually he was the one cleaning up other people’s equipment recently and I said that was nice of him. But that’s the extent of direct interaction. However I have access to his full name from the gym (it’s not hard to look up, and is available to everyone at the gym). I found his insta, but he has zero posts, so I’m unsure if he’s married.
Do I slide into his DMs say I think he’s cute and ask him if he wants to get together outside the gym sometime? Like I don’t have anything to lose, right??
Edit: I never expected so many people to tell me not to do this. Now I’m even more tempted just to see what’ll happen.
Edit: It’s a CrossFit gym. The app they use for tracking attendance and workout results has everyone’s name and picture. It’s right there out in the open for everyone in the gym to see who worked out at which class and what their results of each workout are. Tons of people know my name even if I haven’t told it to them.
You guys are all acting like I dug into personal info, but all I did was type his name into instagram (his insta is tied to his name and we both follow the gym). I was just trying to suss out if he was obviously unavailable before proceeding with anything. Some of you really are out here seeing the worst in people.
Last night I ended a first date after 35 minutes. I’m so tired of this behavior and I’ve decided I’m no longer willing to suffer through dates where a man does not stop monologuing enough to ask me a single question. I don’t understand how guys can go from normal conversation in the app to 20 minute long monologues and complete disinterest in actually getting to know me once we meet in person. I’m a fairly engaging conversationalist when I’m allowed to get a word in so it isn’t like we just sit in silence if they aren’t talking.
do you think my consumption of reality tv dating shows distorts my views?
Dear Crush, when I said, “You look nice today.” I really meant, “you look absolutely delicious, and I want to climb you.”
I just need a moment to vent. I really just wish I could find someone to TALK to, I need stimulating conversation and damn every guy who hits me up in my dms can’t carry normal/respectful/intriguing conversation. I’d like to meet someone who is mentally “on my level”. So here’s where the venting comes in, my ex bf of 7 years, is smart as hell on paper. I used to engage him in all sorts of conversations but I found that he would be contrary for the sake of being contrary which then made what should have been stimulating conversation, arguments. One day he said to me, “you know, I don’t actually care about any of this stuff we talk about, I only participate because I know YOU like to talk about these things.” Guys… that left me absolutely shattered, and after that I completely stopped engaging him in conversations regarding anything I actually felt something about. And now I’m here at this point of wanting deep connection and deep conversation and I feel most people are so superficial and they don’t really care about much. I feel like such a damn loner and don’t know where to go to even find groups of people who might have the same mindset I do! Anyway… end rant 💕
Very late to the thread so I doubt anyone will see this but thanks to those who commented on the last thing I wrote here. It really helped.
I had a really nice weekend with the person I’m seeing. Still have all those good, new relationship feelings. I’ve actually never felt this quite so intensely. I guess I’ve never liked someone this much before? It’s a little overwhelming sometimes. I don’t know if they like me quite as much but they did say “I like you,” the other day and it was so cute 🙂
Trying my best to focus on other stuff in my life as well and keep balanced. Feeling more optimistic about career things too. Maybe it’s all that dopamine leftover from this weekend.
This is hard. Even the one guy who was talking to me has stopped responding as soon as I tried sending a message that did not include a question (I was the only one asking questions up to that point). (In contrast to the person here who was trying to convince me that the guy was just a shy introvert and I had to keep pushing and give him a chance…)
I’ve used up all my daily likes both yesterday and today… crickets, no takers at all.
I know I should give it more time and 2.5 days on an app is probably not enough but it’s hard to keep my head on straight and not let it get to me. I really do not feel ugly when I look in the mirror, but when I try to put myself out there and date… I feel like I must genuinely look like an overflowing garbage pail to get *so* little interest.
I guess I should probably do a profile review at some point. I’ve had them in the past though and people gave me positive feedback. I feel like at this point it’s really a matter of my looks not being what people are interested in and I don’t know how to fix it.
Seeking advice from others with anxious attachment style. I have been seeing someone for 2ish months (not exclusive yet) he’s been on vacation for 3 weeks which we texted once or twice a day. He came home and spent the night at my place, last night he went to bed without cuddling me and it sent me into a crazy spiral stemming from feeling rejected and being so sure he doesn’t like me and wanting to end things to avoid these horrible feelings. This is the first time my anxiety has popped up in this relationship. I couldn’t keep it together when we woke up and was crying all morning. Just told him I’m feeling low and PMDDing. But I’m scared I scared him off. We haven’t had the exclusive talk and I noticed he was active on the dating app at my place and today. Anyways, is my extreme anxiety rearing its ugly head a me problem, or is it a sign of this not being right? I remember hearing from other anxious attackers that when they are in a secure relationship they rarely feel this anxiety. Any help would be appreciated.
Just a rant: I think it’s weird that people need questions to keep a conversation going. If someone responds to what I say, I don’t need a question to prompt me. I can read what they say, see something of interest and comment. I find it exhausting constantly asking and being asked questions.
does anyone else wait for the other shoe to drop? things are going well,
finally feel like, “wow i could see a future with this person” and you’re so traumatized from dating and past relationships, you’re just waiting for something bad to happen. i’m not self sabotaging but i do feel like i’m having expectation management.
What causes people to form deeper connections? Can people with different interests develop deep connections?
So it’s been a long time, but I guess I have a stalker again. I’ve told HR about the work outreach after it happened again.
Hopefully, unlike the 3 stalkers I had in my teens/early 20s, there will be no in person visits. He’s already creeped my employer’s website and my bio there will answer 90% of his questions.
this is a positive post (for once)-
Got dumped by my situationship around 2.5 weeks ago and honestly I felt relief instead of sadness. During that time I had a trip planned to Asia immediately after, then caught up on sleep/work/friends after. As a result I took the first full-stop dating break I have all year, and I feel ready to come back to dating with a more positive attitude. I also recently had my birthday so I’m manifesting the new year brings romantic success 🙂
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Dear DoT, 37m here wanting some feedback on pictures but a little worried about posting in a very public forum. Anyone interested in giving me some feedback over chat? My target demo is 30ish-37ish F, but anyone willing to provide feedback would be great. I’ll send an imgur link. A little background: I’m looking for a LTR, located in a major north american city, no major baggage (I’m employed, not divorced/no kids, etc.) Thanks!
Exchanged almost 200 texts in 5 days and he suggested things to do together but no date or time to meet set. I told him to let me know when he’s free. Texting died about 2 days ago. This was someone I had a crush on in the past who I haven’t seen in a few years. He told me he always found me attractive. I’m not sure if he’s not actually interested or just avoidant or shy. Not sure if I’m jumping to conclusions. My worry is that he’s just playing with me so I stopped texting.
Does anyone else feel pressure to return to dating quickly after a break up because of their age? I want to have more kids and my biological clock is ticking. I recently broke up with my ex of just over a year and feel like I’m running out of time and I need to immediately get back into dating. I feel emotionally ready to date again, but know it is super soon after the break up. How long would you wait?
Random thought from the perspective of a Hinge user…
Talking on the apps feels like the slowest game of chess, which requires calculated moves* to place oneself in a position to suggest a date.
…where most of the players are playing checkers.
…and also hate chess.
It also really helps when they send a like with a comment, and respond to a question with a little tidbit about themselves, and maybe some semblance of a question of their own.
I’m not being jaded here, just smirking at how much time gets lost over this dance.
I’ll let you guys know how a current match goes when it concludes – it’s one back and forth each day, 2 days in – one hiccup which I think delayed things by a day. But the impression I get is both parties want to meet on this one – we just haven’t completed the vinette. 🫠
*Comments, replies, and questions
Crush who turned down my drinks invite to “keep things a bit more professional” saying he’s happy to continue our conversation over coffee end of the month turned out to be partnered – wow. I found out myself. Never once has he mentioned a partner during our coffee hang nor in his soft rejection email. I have been operating under the impression that he’s single. Most of my feelings for him are gone now.
I always blame myself so much after breakups.
I’ve convinced myself that I have avoidant tendencies. but my therapist insists I really don’t. and I just re-read all the last few weeks of texting with my ex to track my behavior during an incredibly busy, unforgiving time in my life with work when all of this turmoil started that led to our breakup fight.
I have a clear mind after this recent breakup, it hurts and sucks, but I do feel clarity and peace.
I notice that my behavior was trying so hard to meet her neediness all the time. it was so exhausting. I nearly dreaded going to see her and setting up date nights because it was all on me, all the time. to pick her up, plan, pay, take her home, cook home cooked meals, clean up our dishes, take her back home. and she was so afraid of being used for sex that we would hardly ever even have sex, even though we had amazing sexual connection and plenty of wild sex.
she just always gave me just more things to do. more needs to meet, all the time. and she doubled down any time I expressed frustration during my recent busy work period. she just felt unloved and she didn’t know how to deal with it and just took out all that pain onto me. I was doing as much as I could do during that time.
texting her through the day when I could. sending photos and voice memos. good morning and good night texts, tons of I love you texts, told her to order food on my CC when she wasn’t feeling well. replying to as many of her texts as i could which were too much when I was working for 10 days straight from sunrise to sunset, traveling to 3 cities, working with three separate teams on three separate projects.
I kept expressing that to her but she didn’t give a fuck about anything but her feelings. she would just meet me with anger and resentment if i didn’t fold into her needs. when I got back I even developed strep throat and she just told me I was working too hard and that’s probably why instead of trying to help me feel better in any way.
I just am writing this post to forgive myself. i’ve done so much healing work on myself. sure I have shit to work on but i’m not avoidant. i showed up and tried so fucking hard and i’m not gonna let myself feel like i didn’t try and she did all the work.
I tried to see her all the time and she was making it so hard for me to break through her trust barrier.
Guys not putting their height on a dating profile is a red flag right? I didn’t even notice at first but when I went to check before meeting up I realized it’s not there 🤔
Connected with a new potential casual thing. Idk how much I’m feeling it yet. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for casual dating but a girl’s got needs and the pickings are slim for long term dating. How much are you willing to overlook in a person for casual things? What tends to be your expectations?
I went on a date last week, when we were talking on the app I had mentioned my birthday was coming up and he came to the date with a box of chocolates and I thought that was really sweet. During the date he said he noticed on my hinge that I had a lot of outdoors photos and if for our next date I would want to do something outside and asked me when I was free next. (I said yes and told him I was free this week).
The next day I noticed he unmatched me and hasn’t texted me since (it’s been over a week). During the date he was asking me for feedback on his profile and asked me if I thought he looked like his photos which in the moment I thought was strange but maybe he was just using the apps for validation? Who knows.
I got so annoyed that I fully deleted both my hinge and bumble and now I’m back to the drawing board 😅 I thinking of trying more speed dating and singles events because the apps have straight up not been working for me 😮💨
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7VJ6LRvhsx/?igsh=Y2o3aDdhcmRqcXo=
Just some humor!
So I met this guy at a club and it started out sexual and I was about to move the state so wasn’t planning for anything to come of it and am actually looking for something more stable. We were hanging out all the time for maybe a month before I left. So I move and we’re texting a lot and I basically let him know like even if he comes visits me sex is off the table and we can still be friends but I’m looking for something more substantial. And that I assume he was looking for more casual, which he did not deny. And he said I totally understand your stance and makes sense. I’m 34. He still contacts me maybe every other day and we just have friendly chats with maybe just a very tiny bit of flirting? I expected him to kind of ghost so I’m a bit confused? What do you think?
Ok, real question… is anyone else obsessed with age? You want to know how old people are and want them to guess you’re 15 years younger than your actual age? Am I alone here?
And yes, this is related to dating and my anxieties about dating at 40. 🥴
I agreed to go on a date with someone from an app. It’s not for another week, but I can kinda tell from our texting conversations that I’m not into him. It makes more sense to cancel the date rather than wasting his time right? Open to perspectives.
Sent a “not working out/let’s just be friends” text to a guy I was seeing. I feel bad because he’s so interesting and great on paper but couldn’t shake the hot and cold vibes from him and felt like he was more interested in talking at me than with me. Bummed because I really thought there was potential 😓
What’s with people ghosting after saying multiple times a date went well and another was lined up? For context:
We matched on Tinder and moved to text after a couple days. First date was at a brewery on Thursday where we just continued to effortlessly talk and laughing and didn’t stop until we were kissing in front of her apartment door while parting ways at 1 am. If it wasn’t for work in the morning, we’d have kept going. She asked to go out again before we even left our table at the brewery and again walking to my car before it comes up a third time as I’m leaving her place. A couple times she even had slips such as suggesting a show would be good for us to watch together instead of just watching with someone. Friday we continue texting and confirm Sunday late afternoon as our next date start period.
Saturday I’m busy but in the evening I ask her thoughts on options for our second date. She loves all of them before telling me what she wanted to do. I confirm and ask if it’s okay to pick her up at a specific time; she says it is definitely okay. Then out of nowhere she tells me that she really enjoyed how it felt when we kissed. Very end of the night she first apologies for her limited texting saying it was an unexpectedly long ass day, says she had just watched the 4th episode of a show I recommended, and she was going to get ready for bed. I said good night and did the same.
The next day I heard nothing as I texted good morning, tried confirming our date a few hours later, and sent my ETA to get her like we had planned. As I waited in visitor parking at her apartment I tried texting, called and left voicemail, called again 20 minutes later where it rang before connecting to dead silence, and after waiting far too long I sent a final text to say I was leaving and hoped she was okay having become increasingly worried something may have happened.
And that’s where it stands. I feel completely dejected and confused.
I don’t know if something did happen given her comment about the day before or if she just had a sudden change of heart. I assume the latter despite how out of place it feels but the idea of the former has me wanting to give her time before trying again. She also seems like the kind of person where if something really taxing mentally was going on, she might shut out the world to focus on it. As of now we’re still connected on Tinder but for all I know our chat is buried or she hasn’t cared to unmatch us.
I’ve never had any luck with dating usually only going on a few dates per year max. I’m so very tired of this whole never ending and agonizingly slow cycle. At least all previous dates whether or not we really got along still had the respect to tell me when they weren’t really interested. Meanwhile the rare one I’ve connected with, someone that made it clear she enjoyed our time together, and actually lined up a second date with pulled the rug out from under me. For a few days I had actual hope that maybe my run of bad luck had come to a close but I guess I’m a fool for doing so.
Went on a fun date about two weeks ago. Conversation flowed easily, made each other laugh, just sat at a restaurant for like 2 hours talking. She goes on vacation the next week, we’re both busy so it’s understood that the second date is not happening right away. She sent me daily pics on vacation and is generally texting me more than I would be if it were reversed. But nothing over the top. No big deal on its own.
We have date two planned for this week. Still been texting daily. Today she hit me with “can’t wait to see you again. Ngl, I talked to my friends a lot about our first date.” Am I a weirdo for being thrown off by this? Is this normal and I’m just being closed off? It’s just not something I would do after 1 date and two weeks of talking. If I did, I don’t think I’d tell the person. I still like her and am looking forward to the next date to see how it goes, but that definitely tingled my spidey-senses. Thoughts or input anyone?
I’ve been working at this place for about a month, and I often go to this mall nearby to the grocery store during my breaks. There’s this beauty store I walk past, and every time I do this girl and I lock eyes for 2-3 secs. I don’t approach anyone, ever. I keep to myself and I’m quite introverted, partly because I don’t like making people uncomfortable, and personal space is very important to me. Yet, today I decided to subtly raise my eyebrows at her when glancing at each other – I’m not used to smiling, can’t force it – to which she smiled back.
Now, on one hand, yes, she could simply be friendly and doing that to everyone. On the other, I feel this could be a sign of interest, but I feel if I was to go up to her and ask her out it’d be a bit weird.
Does it come across I’m misreading the whole thing?
So a few weeks ago I asked out a crush I had, went out like twice but ultimately it didn’t work out due to differences. It’s winter here, I printed out some oversized hoodies for work and to give to some customers, I ended up giving her one the second time we hung out because it was cold out and she didn’t bring a jacket.
Were all good and on good terms but she came into the gym today wearing said hoodie, which led to a few members asking me about her. I didn’t want to bring it up because honestly idc if she wears it or not, but I also feel put on the spot because I don’t wanna talk about things that involve her private life! Would it come across bad if I brought up that happened via text, that’s definitely not the vibe I’m trying to give!
Met someone on a night out, texted a bit, they said we should meet for a drink.. Ive broached this twice, the person says yes and will be in touch but busy work/home life… I’m waiting to hear back
Should I just accept the obvious truth they aren’t interested (although appear very keen when we do talk)
Dating’s just so hard after 30!