This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Met a guy through a friend. We clicked instantly with many things in common. Chemistry was there! We’d all been drinking and he was all over me, but backed off when I asked. Admittedly, my energy was slightly closed off because no, I don’t want to hold hands with a stranger. And no, I don’t wanna discuss my parents’ divorce in mixed company with someone I don’t know. He called me that night to let me know he’d made it safe and we chatted a bit about how much he wanted to get to know me more. He called the next morning and more of the same (we live about 1.5 hours from each other). We both expressed interest in getting to know each other.
Anyway, nothing since. Totally weird! What’s with showing interest and saying that he’ll call, but not following through?
Edited to add: I told him I was interested the night we met. I’ve made attempts to contact him and reiterate interest but no response.
Haven’t had much to share in the realm of dating lately as I’ve been doing nothing but working. It’s the final bell for overtime as summer vacation season is ending and this pay will probably be the last double time opportunities for the year…as much as I’m burnt out from working all the time….I’m going to miss the money..
There is something to report though. This Saturday I’m taking the final step to prep myself for getting back on the apps again after not being on them since 2019. Besides reluctance, the major hurdle I’ve had has been photos. I’m not very photogenic, I never really take photos and the ones that I do have of myself that are of recent, aren’t really “dating profile worthy”. From being on the DoT sub for a few years, I know the common answers are “get a tripod and do it yourself”, “ get one of your friends to do it” etc. But my friends consist of five men in their mid 50’s that can barely figure out how to work zoom and one friend who’s my age (30m) that ghosts all the time due to his now fiancé never letting him leave the house…so I don’t have many options haha. For that reason, I hired a photographer. Thing is, I have to go to another city to do it since all the photographers in my city seem to focus on weddings and engagements. The city I’m going to is only an hour away but I rarely venture there unless there’s a concert, which just so happens that there is that day, so it’ll be a two for one! Once I get the photos problem solved, I’ll technically have no reasons why I can’t go back on the apps….besides reluctance
This has never been an issue for me before, but I have too many conversations going on an app right now.
A few of them I want to back out of because I don’t feel enough interest – is it appropriate to just stop responding (is this stage considered ghosting?) or is it more appropriate to say “sorry I’m not interested” somehow?
It’s tough because I know how much it stings for me when I only have a couple matches and people stop responding or I message and they don’t respond, or people unmatch. So it’s hard for me to do that to others in good conscience.
Seeing a guy for the last month and a bit (feels like so much longer!) and I definitely have a crush on him. I just feel like gushing a bit – he’s funny, smart, sweet, sensitive, thoughtful, and very in touch with himself. Plus he’s tall, fit, and attractive. Very much golden retriever energy. I just really enjoy spending time with him – so far, it’s just been limited to weekends since we live in different cities. I went to a wedding with him as a plus 1 last weekend and we had a great time! And he’s coming to visit me this weekend 🙂
I still feel a little stressed about not knowing if I’m truly ready for a relationship (currently separated 6 months), but I’ve decided that I’m not going to end things just because I am afraid. I’ve grown so much, and I have a completely different perspective in relationships than I did even 6 months ago. I will stay in touch with myself but for now, I’m happy to see where this goes
I got a date for tomorrow night! My first one in months as I had to take some time off for healing. I thought she was ghosting me in app since it took her over a day to reply after saying yes to going out with me, but all’s well that ends well. It’s gonna be good to get back out there regardless of how it goes.
I need to rant about my morning and hopefully crowdsource a fair solution to a problem.
My (now) ex got mad and walked out 2 months ago. He has not returned since this latest shutdown. This is not unusual behavior for him, but it is the longest time. He left a bunch of things here (clothes, computer, toiletries, food).
The difference this time is that I’m no longer enabling this behavior. I have set clear boundaries about communication and accountability and have upheld those boundaries. He has not reacted well to this.
I have worked with him when he wanted to come get his things from my place last month. He gave me two different dates/times, I agreed to both and waited both days for him to ultimately not show up with no explanation. I have had to since block him on phone and socials for my own peace and sanity. He knows email is still a way to contact me if he wants to come get his belongings.
Fast forward to this morning. It was a shit morning, suddenly derailed by an urgent care visit that potentially jeopardizes a trip I’m leaving for tomorrow. And it is in the middle of navigating this health situation that my ex rears his absent head and sends an email. An email accusing me of keeping his stuff hostage and that he wants it back.
I responded reminding him that I have not been holding his stuff hostage (he has a key ffs) and that it was his responsibility to make arrangements and then keep them. I am not responsible for this, come on!!
I have received advice from family and friends to pack up his stuff and leave it outside and let him know it’s out there if he wants to pick it up. They’re convinced he is being manipulative/baiting me into contact and they want me to go scorched earth on him.
However, that doesn’t align with my values. His housing is not secure. I don’t want to treat people with such dismissal and disrespect. And especially so when there is an uneven power balance at play (I’m housed and he’s not).
That’s a lot, but could be way more, information. So readers, if you have any personal experience with something like this, please share!
Update…
So… I met R on Saturday for date 1, then Sunday date 2 and Monday date 3, Tuesday he went off on holiday to Vegas. I had told him I do not expect him to text me while he’s abroad or anything. He said he would because ‘you make time for what’s important to you’. Which if you’ve seen my recent posts about dating H you will understand what a delight it was for me to hear that. And since he left he has texted me often with updates of what he’s doing and repeatedly affirmed that he wants to see me when he’s back.for date 4. And we have been planning what we will do for it.
I’ve honestly never had such a pain free dating experience I know it’s very early days but even with it being only three dates it’s still a totally different experience for me. In terms of how I feel and how I have handled the situation (i.e. being intentional with my time and expressing clearly what I am looking for and what he can expect from me etc) and how I’ve been treated by him (with absolute respect and clarity, no ambiguity, he’s matching my energy).
Things can change in an instant, no one knows this better than me haha. But for now I am enjoying getting to know him. And I feel relaxed and good!
Has anyone here seen The Tinder Swindler on Netflix??
I watched it last night and it’s crazy. It’s a little over produced In the way that these true crime Netflix docs are (lots of shadowy reenactments, etc) but the crux of the story is genuinely absurd to the point where you’re questioning whether it’s actually real.
I was going to say it’s enough to put you off dating apps, but I think dating apps themselves are enough to put you off dating apps.
So more than a 6-7 years ago I met this guy at a party who said he wanted to be “friends.”
And the TL;DR version is he regularly sent me check-in texts of varying frequency, moved cross country, sent occasional last minute requests to meet up for dinner interspersed with random hook up request. Occasionally there were substantive messages I would reply. But there was no love lost here, I was being sociable (and for amusement).
So during this multi-year saga he would hide Instagram when he started posting photos of what looked like a girlfriend and post in private and not public. And sometime he’d show up in my feed again. And he’d text me to tell me about his vacations.
A few weeks ago his social media – all the profiles – had this post that said “get STD tested, XXX has been spreading things and sleeping around.”
I was like no duh, with all the rescinded hookup requests I got and I literally had dinner with the guy one time years ago. So I got a good chuckle.
A few days later he posted and said that post wasn’t true I was hacked. 😂
And today I saw a post today celebrating his relationship and how this woman has stayed with him through ups and downs. He also hasn’t texted me for a few months. 😂
I feel sorry for her because this guy has a cross country roster and is absolutely cheating. I imagine some people were more receptive than I was and I was still on this hit list for YEARS, that whole time they were “dating” he was sending out texts.
I have a partner who goes through depressive episodes at times and is going through one now. We typically only see each other once a week but are usually very engaged and chatty through texting and such. But now he’s completely retreated and has told me he just needs some time to work through it but it’s so hard to completely back off. Our relationship has been going strong so I’m not worried about that necessarily but I’ve never really navigated someone with serious depression in a relationship either.
I also feel like I don’t know if I should expect him to keep commitments or plans in this time. He just wants to sit at home and be alone for like several weeks at a time and it makes me feel insecure. (If it’s relevant we’re polyamorous and he has a nesting partner so I’m not too worried about his immediate safety). I’ve been through this with him once before and he did come out of it after a few weeks, it’s just hard when I’m so used to this constant dialogue with him and then it’s like crickets for weeks. I don’t know if I should just leave him alone completely or keep trying to engage or pretend nothing’s wrong or what. For now I’m just giving him little love taps here and there but not expecting or getting much in return.
Anyone go through something similar (either as a depressed person or a partner to one) with some insight?
Note for everyone. If you break up with someone or have a falling out with someone, friend, family, anyone, and they have a key to your house or apartment, even if they give it back…..
HAVE IT CHANGED IMMEDIATELY.
That is all.
I feel like I need help with learning how to just date and go with the flow. Got out of a 7 year relationship at the beginning of the year, and I started dating a woman in May who we started out with a lot of passion and we got close very quickly… but she’s strongly implied that I may be too serious about all of this too soon. We got into a bad argument a few days ago on tuesday (I implied that she lacked empathy when she did something to me and… she did NOT like that.) and she hasn’t talked to me since then. I feel like I unfairly put too many serious expectations on her too early. In case she’s done with me… I need help on just taking it easy and going with the flow. Not really used to just dating without being too serious.
My partner doesn’t place the same importance on marriage that I do. He’s already been divorced once, so I understand where the sentiment probably came from. But I’ve never been married and the thought of getting married to him excites me and makes me happy. During a conversation he phrased it in such a way that kinda took the wind out of my sails,
“I’m willing to compromise and get married.” He saw the look of disappointment on my face and tried to salvage the topic by saying “what I mean is, I never thought I’d get married again and I can see marrying you and it being something I can get excited about.” When I lightly pressed for what he wanted out of a wedding he said a courthouse marriage.
I’m not opposed to a courthouse marriage + elopement vacation for pictures and a private ceremony. I never wanted some huge wedding either but, idk. Something about the conversation just left me feeling deflated. If he’s not stoked to marry me, then I don’t want him to. I’m not okay with being a forever girlfriend. I have hang ups about this.
He’s an amazing partner otherwise. Next to no mental load, he’s loving, kind, considerate, supportive, and the best person I’ve ever been with. He just doesn’t care about marriage. I’m having a hard time deciding if this is something I should be feeling sad about or not. I don’t want marriage to be a “compromise” or a “okay I’ll do it because it’ll make you happy.” Doesn’t feel right.
So, date ideas which don’t involve a bar and a restaurant? That’s what I’ve been doing and luckily I’ve been pretty good at picking out the right places (an Italian, a Thai and a Mexican restaurant). I tend to choose places where you can either just have a drink or eat properly.
The bowling place is out of town and all of the potential dates live in the city. I don’t watch films, they’re not my thing and I’m bad at choosing them: I still remember when I was a teen and wanted to bring a girl to watch a horror movie… I took her to see Sharknado. Other things like museums feel too posh and I don’t hang out in a big town so there are limited interesting places…
I’m in Western Europe. The city is international as it’s both full of immigrants and expats. The area I work in is only offices and a mall that closes at 8PM so not an option. The other office area is similar, save for a weekly event where coworkers hang out to drink. Only the city centre, the one filled with bars, is left.
Edit: I’m looking especially for weekday activities after work where I’d have around 3/4 hours at most to hang out. Someone suggested the minigolf but it’s out of town. I did see, though, that the ice skating rink will reopen in one month!
Don’t fix people. But it’s okay to be available to someone who’s fixing themselves I think.
Being with someone who’s working through ego and emotional regulation issues is hard (likely some cptsd). When I saw it, I left and moved on with my life. Eventually though, after a lot of work, he was more mature and it made sense to try again. Things were different after that and watching him do things differently and navigate his shortcomings has actually grown my respect for him a lot. His humility and responsibility have become new things to admire.
It’s hard because I want a straight, simple path. And I’ve had that before. But I also increasingly see that this is more normal at this age. I see successful relationships around me overcome things and I think maybe that’s what it’s about at this age. How well you can adjust.
I think what was really important is that I never sacrificed my dignity by involving myself in his issues. I maintained consistent boundaries and a life of my own. I wasn’t going to participate in something toxic. It was his choice to grow or not. Maybe that’s “rising to the occasion” on his part. And using the boundaries to adjust rather than react.
I think maybe a person who is devoted and can tackle difficult challenges that get in the way might be a good partner to have in life.
ETA: this sounds overly saccharine and I don’t want to give the wrong impression: he’s just a flawed guy who’s got the right intentions and genuinely makes my life better.
today i will be heading over to the apartment of the guy i’m seeing exclusively to wfh so we can spend time together while working separately. he planned a dinner date for tonight, and now we get to spend more time together. he messaged me yesterday, outlining the plan, and it took me awhile to realise why it felt so special and good: my ex never ever made plans.
ever.
this guy is really everything i’ve been looking for — easygoing personality, cute, responsible and driven, high EQ, younger than me (my preference), and from an eye wateringly wealthy family. the most unbelievable thing is that he’s into me and putting in so much effort into me and this budding relationship. i’m so happy🥹
Is a too bubbly personality a turn off to some men? Especially over 30? I’m over 30, conventionally attractive and am independent so I’m not ditsy. Bubbly is like I laugh a lot and smile, make silly jokes cause why not and just try to put out a positive vibe.
I don’t think I’m annoying though I actually lean introverted lol.
I’m wondering if I’m unintentionally turning off over 30 guys cause maybe I’m coming off immature?
I think I’m mature cause I had to grow up fast. I’m bubbly now as way for me to forget trauma. dont worry ive been in therapy for 9 yrs!
It seems I won’t be able to relocate along the east coast, Chicago, or elsewhere any time soon judging by the (lack of) responses to my job hunt despite having more experience than ever. Thanks, economy! I used to encounter a lot of unsolicited recruiters and it makes sense now why it ceased around the end of 2023. I’m going to be busy pivoting to plan B.1 and B.2, which leaves little time for dating. This plan involves taking up some part time work which could lead to meeting people however. 🤔 Oh, if only life was like a Hallmark movie. I’m a big city girl caught up in hustling, ready for a small town man in flannel to sweep me off my feet
Another question, how much time do you devote to texting on apps per day?
I am genuinely not a texter and I find it really draining and the context switch overhead is very high (people say “oh how long does it take to send a text?” but the fact is I have to account for how much it takes me out of whatever I’m doing). So for me, like 3-4 (thoughtful) back and forths in a day, especially if I’m texting 3-4 people, already feels like a lot. But I know this will seem too little for some people.
For similar reasons I also do not text on apps during work hours. I actually have a block set on all distracting apps including dating apps until 6 pm.
It’s harder too if the other person is not keeping up their end of the conversation and I have to keep brainstorming on how to keep it interesting.
Another factor is, everyone I’m currently matched with is people who I feel “oh sure, I’ll give it a chance” rather than people I feel up front will be a good fit, so that requires some added motivation.
I am generally open to quickly asking them to meet in person, but this time around on the apps I am trying to do an experiment of holding on until the other person asks. I don’t mind a slow burn myself, I don’t mind taking some time to get to know the person and trust myself to not get too invested from texting, and I want to let myself have an experience of feeling more pursued. It’s just that I am unlikely to text a lot every day.
I will also add that seemingly unlike many people, I am super super open to phone call or facetime chat prior to meeting up or in between meetups. Would much rather do a quick call, or send/receive voice notes rather than text.
I have a date planned for Sunday, and I’m excited, but I also feel like I have done a lot of work on myself, and am perfectly okay if it doesn’t work out. We matched and planned a date yesterday, and she is still messaging me (her idea), so I hope she doesn’t turn out to be an avoidant, because I like how enthusiastic she is. I’m holding back because I like getting to know people in person first before I text, but still responding. We still haven’t exchanged numbers.
Back on the apps, back to the no responses. Match, then silence, ad nauseam.
It’s been pulling teeth getting any dates on the book. Tentative one for Sunday, crossing fingers.
Finally scheduled a date with a guy for tomorrow that I’ve been talking to for over a month (our travel schedules were in direct opposition to each other). I asked him, jokingly, if we were “playing Dungeons and Dragons tomorrow night” because it’s a hobby of his. He responded: “Kinky”. Now I’m considering canceling because I just don’t like how he took that innocent comment so sexually and I don’t think it bodes well for who he is as a person. I was looking forward to meeting him and now…not so much. Would love to hear others’ thoughts on this.
Well this is certainly an alternative to dating apps
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-tJiIhxd8b/?igsh=M3Zvb25heGptMXZk
Would you reach back out to a guy who is dated you for a couple of weeks but then said he wants to stop dating when you got let go at work. Because he said you must be focused on job search and he wanted me to take my career decisions, if it meant moving independent of him. But then said that I should keep him posted about my job search. Because we can pick things up where we left once I had my job. He said he didn’t want to date anyone who wasn’t already thriving. Because he tried it once and it had not worked out.
I told him I was happy to make time to date him while I looked for jobs because I liked him, and I am serious about finding my life partner. However, he doesn’t have to take pressure. If I had to eventually move he doesn’t have to long distance if he doesn’t want to. But he said he doesn’t want that kind of uncertainty in his life.
It all sounds logical. But it only sounds like fluff to me. I’ve said different versions of I don’t think this is going to work between us because of distance, because of differing attitudes etc etc.
Any other time I would have reached out. But I’m trying to figure what a self respecting, independent, practical woman would do . Haha I only know what an emotional , sensitive one who takes peoples words seriously would do.
I asked a woman out for a picnic date tomorrow and she said yes. The only thing is I forgot she’s a vegetarian. I guess grabbing a pizza isn’t going to work lol.
Are people more willing to walk away now than before? Guess I’m just seeing a handful of friends who got married in their 20s are starting to get divorced. Or friends with 4+ year relationships ending abruptly. I just look back at my parents’ struggles. Death of a son (my brother). Me going through chemo as a kid. Not having enough money. My mom had to move to a new state with me for chemo, while my dad worked. When my parents just started dating, my dad moved away for 2 years to work. I even thought they’d get a divorce as soon as I moved out, but they’re still together, enjoying retirement together.
Does everyone just have FOMO?
Stoked to have a date tonight!
But also rushed through my workday to get home early and I’m kind of beat. Fucking thirties. Can my metabolism afford a coffee at this hour? I feel like I understand cocaine now.
Went out three times with someone. Really starting to like her. I thought our date last night went well! She bought me a present cause she said she saw it and thought of me when she was out shopping.
Looked at her profile today and saw she updated her photos. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, and three dates is not a lot. But in the past it hasn’t ended well for me 🙁
Observations from hinge day 3.
It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of work conversation. Anyone have reliable tips for avoiding it? For one thing, “how’s your week going” is an easy way to fall into it if there’s nothing special going on. But it’s also hard if there’s nothing else obvious to ask about in their profile. I try to redirect by asking the story of how they ended up in their field, or whether they always lived here or moved here etc. but my success with that varies.
To be fair maybe I need to keep my expectations of early text convo low. But there was one guy last year I had a really good texting rapport with and it was good for helping me actually look forward to a date for once.
One guy mentioned he watches reality tv and I realized THAT is a non-work thing I can definitely talk about, lol.
More cute animals including one (1) camel.
I am torn between giving people a shot vs. trying to be selective and match with people I will connect with. Right now I’m sending a like to anyone who seems decent and chatting with anyone who messages. But I think this is an easy way to wear me out as well, especially if the text conversations are not flowing easily and I’m having to work really hard to keep it going.