So I don’t know if this is the right sub to post this but I’ll try. It’s going to be long, but bear wih me; I (25M) starting talking to a guy (21M) on dating app back in October. The problem is that that guy lives in the UK while I live in Belgium. He’s not really my ex, but there was something special between the two of us. His dream is to live in the European Union, specifically in the Netherlands. From October to April, he stayed in the Netherlands, and in October he wanted to pay me a visit. We hit it off right away and instantly became friends. We had so much in common. Also to give some information, I have autism and he has a mild form of cerebral palsy.
When he came to pay me a visit, I made it clear that I didn’t want to break his heart and that a long-distance relationship was not something I was comfortable with. However, we talked a lot together and even ended up having sex… twice.
At the same time, I was into a guy from my university (22M), who seemed to be more available, considering he lived closer. However, he barely noticed my existence, and it took me eight whole months to confess my feelings, to then get rejected in April.
In the meantime, I was still talking to that guy from the UK. We would have long late-night conversations and sext very often. Our bond was really special and sometimes I did consider giving him a chance despite the distance, but deep down, I knew it was not a good idea.
He would tell me things like “I don’t get tired of men easily”, “I’ll always be there for you”, “It would take a lot to upset me” etc.
Sometimes I would tell him about my crush and complain like an idiot that no one was into me and that I’d always be single, even tho he was right there for me, and I feel bad about it. I feel like I hurt him.
I had to reject him again once in December, and then once again in March, even tho I told him I sometimes considered giving him a chance. In April, he started dating a guy in Amsterdam. A man that was twice older than him (42M), but he ended the relationship after two weeks realizing that it was going to be long-distance which was not great, and that the age gap was too big. In early May, he went back to England and that’s when his mental health started to go downhill. We would talk less and he would often tell me he felt horrible without giving too many details. We would talk a bit less and he would ignore some of my messages. He told me he terribly missed the Netherlands, sometimes thought about ending it and needed medication. We were still sexting a lot and sometimes flirting during those times.
I’m struggling a lot with mental health as well, and so I would often talk about my problems to him. The issue is that he had a lot on his plate too and that at some point he was a bit tired of listening to me talking to my problems because he was feeling bad himself. Therefore, he decided to take a break from me, that lasted three days. That was back in June. During that break, I started to realize I had feelings for him.
After a came back, he was in a better mood than ever and he started sexting again. Then, the next day he told me he was meeting a guy who he had started talking to the day before. They started dating instantly, and I was a bit wary of it because well they rushed things and barely knew each other. While he was dating that guy, he had weird attitudes… He would still be on Grindr even though he did mention that he was only “looking for friends”. Anyway, when I told him I was back on Grindr he told me “you don’t need the Grindr guys, I’m here”. Part of me wanting to reciprocate the flirting, but part of me was also a bit wary of it because he was in a relationship, and I wanted to respect his BF. So I told him “I meant someone I could date”. Sometimes, he would also have flirty attitudes towards me. For example, he would say things like “get on your knees and remove all your clothes” or “I’m naked playing videogames”. Those things are not really appropriate to say when you are in a relationship in my opinion. A few days after, he told me that he thought he had rushed his relationship and couldn’t dial its intensity. He basically considered breaking up with the guy, and once again, just like last time… They only dated for two weeks before he got tired. To add insult to injury, he found out after the break up that his ex was lying about his age. For the whole time of their relationship, he said he was 25, when he was actually 36. He felt betrayed and said he never wanted to fall in love again.
Anyway, it’s from that moment on that things started getting out of hand. He told me he was not ready to sext again yet, which I respected. I asked him if he wanted to have a call to talk about what had happened, and he replied with nudes out of nowhere. From that moment on, our communication started to become even more inconsistent and erratic.
The next day he started to tell me I was “too horny to his taste” which I respected, but it still surprised me because usually he would like it every time. He still said that he liked it tho. Then, he told me that he had done “things” with a guy from a dating app, but the very same day he complained about guys being too horny on that same app. He also admitted that he didn’t know what he wanted and that he was the kind to change his mind on a whim, which was pretty worrying. We would still text very often and he would initiate most of the time, but sometimes he would be pretty annoyed and cold in his replies, like me asking him a question and him replying “I’m sleeping goodnight”. However, as I had already experienced in May, I noticed that he could be not so nice when I was not in a good mood. When he has that, he mostly just ignores people or replies in a cold way. He told me and he does always apologize.
At some point, a bit later that month, I mustered up the courage to confess my feelings during a call. To give you some context, he does insist on having the camera on every time we’re on a call. For him, it’s a problem not to see me when we talk to each other. I got rejected in the weirdest way. He told me: “I’m not rejecting you. You’re a cute and nice guy and I could see myself with you, but at the moment, I like our friendship too much and don’t want to lose it. It might change in the future, but don’t wait for me and don’t refrain from talking to other guys.” Basically he didn’t really close the door forever, but it got even weirder after that. The next day, he admitted that he felt sad every time I got rejected without being given a proper chance.
We would keep sexting a lot, having videocalls, calling each other cute, smiling at each other like idiots etc. Pretty weird for platonic friends isn’t it?
Then our communication kept being erratic and inconsistent. Sometimes he would send me nudes, but when I reciprocated he would ignore mine.
At some point in July, he was feeling down and lonely and I tried to comfort him. He told me that I was an amazing person and he didn’t understand why I did so much for him. I told him that I loved him, and he told me he loved me too. He even said that he wanted to move to the EU and that he could marry me, and then I told him “let’s wait for a bit and become BFs first”, he said it was a joke, but then I said “maybe in 10 years, then”, and he said “yep”. To me, I took that as a sign we were dating or at least getting closer, even though we hadn’t made anything official. However, I didn’t realize he could be in love with me without wanting to date me.
However, a mutual friend informed me that he had gotten back on Grindr on the same day. I was pretty upset about it and wanted to have a call with him. I told him I was angry and when he picked up the phone, he didn’t even let me address the mixed signals and the fact I had misunderstood him. As soon as I mentioned that I was angry because of my feelings for him, he started to panic. He told me he thought I was “better than this”, and then he told me he was emotionally unavailable, then he wanted to end the call. I apologized and told him I didn’t want to lose him bc he was one of his best friends and he told me not to guilt-trip him. I apologized and told him it was not my intention.
Then, he took things the wrong way and because I was a bit angry I told him I didn’t want to sext for a while, which he understood. The next day, I told him I was ready to sext again though, but he did tell me he didn’t feel comfortable with that because he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I understood.
A bit later he told me he would come back to Amsterdam soon. I asked if he wanted to see me and he said yes. He told me that his apartment was going to be very small and that it would only have one bed. He offered to accommodate me, but he said we would have to sleep in the same bed.. He told me that I could sleep in his bed but that we would have to wear pajamas and not touch each other. I told him that I could sleep on the floor or in the couch if it made him feel uncomfortable. He said that I could sleep in his bed and that it didn’t make him uncomfortable. He insisted that those rules were more for me not to feel hurt. I told him I was comfortable with having sex again and it didn’t disturb me, and I wonder if that was over forever. He told me, “not forever, but not on this trip, I don’t want you to get hurt”, and then I told him “no matter what your decision is, I’ll respect it”, to which he replied “we will see”. To me it’s a bit odd that he wants to accommodate me and sleep in the same bed as me even though there’s still sexual attraction between both of us. I’m highly skeptical of things not getting sexual. He also keeps telling me he can’t wait to see me there.
So anyway, after a few days I wanted to have a call, and when he picked up the phone, he was naked. I told him I was surprised, but he told me he wouldn’t show me what’s down there not to hurt me.
Later that week, we had another called planned and he asked me “do you mind if I’m shirtless? I’m waiting for my shirt to dry”. I said “no, I would like it”. Then he would sometimes tell me he was naked out of the blue and I would ask him to show me if he didn’t mind, which he always did, and then we started sexting again, calling each other cute etc. However, sometimes he would initiate the sexting and back off instantly. For example, not so long ago, he sent me a shirtless pic out of nowhere. I sent one in return, and he asked if I was naked, I said “no but I can be if you want” and he replied “not rn sorry”. I was surprised by that sudden change of mind especially considering he was the one initiating.
Then in a call he told me I was cute again, and he also told me all the guys who’ve rejected me are idiots and don’t know what they are missing, but he also told me long-distance was not his thing.
I told him I loved him again once when he was feeling lonely and he thanked me for being kind. He told me that he would maybe give me a chance, I told him to have a think but no pressure, however he told me that even though he wouldn’t oppose it if it happens in the future, he feels like this ship has sailed at the moment. When I told him I loved him, he told me “I love you too”, but then I asked “in the same way I love you”, and he said “yes”. However then he corrected himself and then said “I think you may have misunderstood me: I meant I love you as a friend. You didn’t do anything wrong but I love your friendship too much, please don’t freak out”. He did tell me he enjoyed those moments we had together though. He also admitted he wished I had realized earlier that he thought I was cute instead of focusing on that other guy.
Anyway, since I was getting afraid of losing him and noticed a huge shift in his attitudes, I started to panic and message him much more than before, sometimes with walls of text, out of panic. Some of our mutual friends also confirmed that he would message them less and ignore some of their messages so it seems to have become his new texting style, especially considering he’s been struggling a lot with mental health lately. At some point he told me I needed to stop sending him walls of panicked texts that he couldn’t read, and I felt super guilty. I know it comes across as needy and desperate. He told a friend that he couldn’t read all of my messages bc there was always so much. Then he asked for a break, and I respected his decision.
However, during the break he liked one of my pics on social media, which is pretty unusual for him. I was surprised because the break was initiated by him. Then yesterday he came back, he told me again that the ship has long sailed and that it was not a problem that I acted like a fool. I told him I needed another break, much longer like that to move on from my feelings because it hurt so much because of all the nice things he used to say. I told him I needed at least two weeks. That was yesterday. I also told him that even though I wanted to see him again, I was not sure it was a good idea to go and visit him in the Netherlands bc it would make my feelings worse. I said “I hope you understand”, he said “sure”.
Then despite me saying I wanted a break, he messaged me again to send me a meme, and I still haven’t replied bc I don’t know how to feel about it.
I’m just so confused by these mind-games and mixed signals that have been going on since the end of June. Do you think it’s bc he’s struggling with mental health? Do you think it’s because I acted like an idiot? Do you think he still has feelings for me deep down but doesn’t want to admit it? To me it seems like it? Is there a chance to reconnect if I give him some space and we spend some time apart and then we reconnect IRL? Is he just messing me around? I’d love to hear your perspectives.
TL:DR: I had a situationship with a guy I never dated. He was in love with me but didn’t want to date him because it was long-distance which was not a good idea for me and I had my eyes on someone else. So I rejected him several times. At some point, I confessed my feelings but he rejected me, at the same time he’s giving me mixed signals and acting weird. We’ve both been pretty horrible to each other. What do you think is happening?