I[31F] feel overshadowed by spouse [M37]

24 comments

1. What are you doing in your own life? He’s leading his life. Doesn’t sound like he is actively trying to overshadow you. Just like you don’t feel like you have anything going on and base most of your idea of yourself around your marriage to him.

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   What about your career? Your hobbies? Your friends? Your travels? Want to be the center of your own life? You need to go have a life.

2. I think you’ll get a lot of positive sympathy and other interesting opinions in this sub. But.

   You have to be the one who goes and gets your own story. If you’ve slipped into some support role just ask yourself what you’d rather be doing and start doing your own things. You didn’t mention kids so if you aren’t an at-home caregiver then start doing what you like to do. If it means you have to start doing fewer life chores for his lifestyle then so be it. Transfer the burden to him slowly as your time is eaten up with your own life hustle.

   Envy is a signal to do more. Nobody else will do it for you.

3. It’s not his job to make sure you maintain your individuality. That is yours.

4. Lots of couples take turns. For example, perhaps both want to go to school, but it makes more sense for them to go one at a time, so that the other can help keep things stable. Or perhaps both want to dabble into self-employment, but it makes more sense for one to take a few years to become established before the other takes a turn at it.

   Talk to him about what you would like. What do you need from him when it’s your turn to pursue your goals? What would you want to work toward in your life, and what help are you asking from him to do so?

   You mention vaguely about “past mistakes” and it’s not clear what those mistakes were, or whether they are concerning or not. Lots of couples make mistakes. If you mean that your husband used to overspend as a young man, but now he’s responsible and you guys are doing great, that’s awesome and probably not worth worrying about the past. If you mean that your husband struggles with vices and his spending is currently out of control, and you’re barely to keep the household afloat yet he still doesn’t care, that’s more concerning in the present.

5. INFO: your whole life I guess? Do you have your own job? Do you have friends, hobbies? It’s really difficult to understand your situation without this background information

   What are the things _you_ want to achieve to feel fulfilled?

6. >Yea, he makes stupid mistakes and has financial literacy issues. Those financial issues caused a lot of lost time of building wealth and quality of life. Still trying to recover from it.

   It strikes me that you are conscious that a lot of these mistakes, these adventures, the freedom he feels he has to go out there and do all that dynamic stuff is because you are there keeping everything together. Even moreso that fear that ‘well if I don’t do it things will fall apart’ is tiring. Especially as I wonder if he would be willing or even capable of returning the favour while you go out there and do stuff.

   Don’t get me wrong, being a supporting partner is important and can be a reward in and of itself. But this resentment I think you undersell a little. It feels less like you are overshadowed and more that you are forced into an enabler support role. Feeling like the parent in your own relationship sucks.

   So time to reflect on that. Maybe it is time you look at how you divide things, or maybe you ask for some time to go do something more exciting. Maybe next time he wants to go do something outrageous and roll the dice you put your foot down. But as others have noted in the end a lot of this is about you just getting yourself out there.

7. >I just feel that this is his story and Im just playing a background supporting character.

   You two got *married* when you were 22 and he was 28. When did you start dating? I hate to be blunt, but you have always been the background character.

8. A bit existential but

   Stasis, the holding together of the everyday, takes up most of the energy of life. Biologically, chemically, chronologically, and (for our complex modern lives ) mentally. And the reward is just survival.

   I get your idea that life in the shadows is often not the most attractive.

   What can help? Is there a long term goal that would be all yours and meaningful? Could you learn a new skill that feels forward moving?

9. Reading your post makes me feel like you’re struggling to reconcile with the contrasting fates you two have, in your mind. You feel you’re taking more time to succeed financially despite the financial wisdom you possess. Meanwhile he’s reached a position despite his deficiencies in those points.

   The fact that this has caused some difficulties makes it even harder for you to digest because you probably see yourself doing a better job than him if you were in his position, which in turn makes you also wonder about your own.

   I could be wrong here. I’d like to read your take on this.

10. Why are you the only one cleaning up his messes – probably financially, and literally around the home? What is he doing to rectify his mistakes? Why are you the breadwinner when he’s messed up so badly? How does he afford to travel when you’re paying for everything and his business is not making money?

    Yes, you need to maintain your life and hobbies and friendships, but a spouse who is a drain rather than a partner and teammate can mess up your mental health.

    My advice would be to sit and think about a woman you really admire. Ask yourself what kind of partner she deserves; what kind of marriage she would be in. How far is it from yours? Because *you* deserve it too

11. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and tell you that irresponsibility is a constant stressor for you but not for him. A nice husband does not destroy the family safety by financially abusing his spouse, preventing her from seeing her friends due to lack of funds.
    If it’s been this way for 9 years, you have been abused for 9 years. Find a therapist you are being drained and it will not end.

12. Individual therapy can help so much to enhance your self esteem and motivate you to separate his story from yours, while building a future together. Your innate sense of responsibility and sober mindedness is NOT a bad thing…in fact, I will suggest it’s what draws you to him. His energy, liveliness and sense of fun is complementing your serious and necessary traits. See a counselor and build on this!

13. What is he doing to clean up his financial mistakes?

    Are you enabling him by bailing him out?

    Are your finances separate? Maybe it’s time to split them up.

    I have a feeling this dude isn’t good for you but there’s not enough here to really make that determination.

14. So you pay the bills and he goes and parties all the time? Yeah of course people think he’s “fun”. Stop enabling him.

15. I think you might see and tell your own story differently.

    I have a brother he is very successfull in his job. HIs wife has her own job, but she sacrifices a lot to make the career of my brother possible. He never would had such a career with out her help.

    Both see the career of my brother as the result of there team work. And both, but espacialy my brother tells it this way. He speaks about our efford made this possible. It was not him who made the career. He is just the front man. He and his wife made the carrer as a team.

    My sister in law is a very proud and capable person, who easily could have had her own career.

    OP,

    Maybe you and your husband need to see and vocalise that what he is doing is only possible because of you. That this all is the result of team work. And this way the storys need to be told. Especialy your husband should tell the storys this way.

16. Write your own story. Star in your own play.
    You can start your own business.
    Or whatever you want.

    It all depends on who keeps your identity tied to his.
    Do you?
    Or does he?
    He can’t keep you there.

17. “He makes mistakes and has financial literacy issues” means what exactly?

    That is very vague.

18. I understand to an extent because my boyfriend is an extrovert and makes friends easily… and I am an introvert with limited people skills. However, my boyfriend thinks that I am smarter than him. So in other words, we both feel overshadowed by the other in different ways lol. It isn’t really about your husband IMO- it is about building up your own life for you. Maybe he will surprise you and support you in your endeavors. Talk to him about dividing things up more. And focus on you for a bit too.

19. You have a self worth problem – chances are if it wasn’t your spouse it would be some random friends or falling that random people on social media. Always easy to find reasons to feel bad about yourself if that’s what your brain is trying to do.

20. So his ‘businesses’ consist of wining and dining connections and then not properly following through with anything?

21. As I said in a separate reply, it sounds like he is enjoying the fruits of your responsibility because you are being responsible for both of you.

    I think you need to address this with him. It could be he’s fine to live on a financial precipice. Personally, I can’t. I wouldn’t be able to sleep due to worry.

    Some people are ok living like that. It could be that you two are financially incompatible. But you won’t know until you talk openly about this.

    Edit: wanted to add that you not going out and living more is likely because you feel so much concern about keeping things together financially and otherwise at home. Could that be the case?

22. I could have written this. I haven’t figured it out yet.

23. How does he pay for his travel?

24. OP.. everybody needs a side-kick. sounds like you’re doing good at it.